Something’s bugging me and I can’t quite verbalise it or fully conceptualise it. On one hand everything is going stupidly well and…………..and………………materially I’m going to be better off than ever and on path to material prosperity and social status ra ra ra. But.
But there’s this part of me that’s like, “This really isn’t you” and I keep interrogating this little voice and I feel like it’s not giving me any answers but somehow it feels right. I keep thinking about S. It’s been months since I’ve seen her and I don’t know. I don’t know. I think maybe it’s the feeling of giving up freedom, trading it for the 9-5, the normal, the material prosperity and none of it being worth the freedom but I just don’t know what the alternative is. I just can’t shake this feeling of it being wrong. I’m so confused. I feel lost.
So much of me is so optimistic for the future, so proud of myself, so impatient to get on with it all and yet there’s this part which feels like I’m making a kind of Faustian pact for things that I don’t really want.
I keep thinking of S and her gothiness. That feeling of how things used to be when she was here in the UK and we spent so much time together. That feeling. I can’t describe it, cyberpunk, goth, freedom, hope, optimism, a lack of worry. I don’t worry now but I feel like maybe I’m not as unconstrained as I was.
Maybe I need to actually think about what I’m doing and why. Why am I doing it? Okay, more money, but why? I’d like to be more independent, which I suppose is more free but I sort of wonder. Like where am I going to be in a year?
I think that maybe I have a touch of depression coming on. I’m so pensive. I’m having an actual existential crisis.
Seriously though, where am I going to be in a year, tons of money in the bank? Yeah, good chance of that. Am I going to have a girlfriend? Maybe. A car? Possibly. The house I’m not worrying about at the minute and I suppose I’m thinking, “What’s it all for?” am I going to be happier? I don’t know.
On the flip side. what am I giving up? Not much at this stage.
I’m going to have a whisky and watch Blade Runner.