This mania shit is really good.
This always makes me cry, at least twice. It makes me think of the wide open spaces of Russia, the suffering of the Russian people, the French army relentlessly advancing, pushing on through Smolensk and Borodino, occupying Moscow. The hopelessness of the situation for the Russians seeing their country laid waste and the bitter cold of the winter. Then there’s the rally, resistance hardens, the guns, more guns, the French are driven back, now they’re in full retreat, and the Russians are driving them out, the relief of the Russian people, the outpouring of joy at their salvation from Napoleon the total riotous disbelief of their own victory and their own deliverance.
*Scrunches up face* Having one of those “What am I doing with my life moments?”. Saw Dakota last night. Throw away comment. It’s like I’m five years old at the top of a slide and terrified of going down it, but knowing how awesome it will be and also knowing that really I’m just psyching myself up for it and also that, truth be told, if it didn’t terrify me I wouldn’t bother. I just don’t know what the slide is. G always points out that I’m inherently erratic and impulsive and that I have a tendency to wake up one morning and just do something and so he doesn’t worry about me. Occasionally I wish I could be normal, but I hate normality.
I see G’s life and how normal it is or even B’s life, and I recoil in horror. To be stuck in a house with one person potentially for the rest of your life, same job, same person, same day over and over again…….that would be my personal hell. It’s true that my life can be equally monotonous but there is always the possibility and the desire for change at some point. If it is monotonous it is because I choose it, I must study now so life must be in a routine to study, but it can all be dropped instantly. Of course the price I pay is to be lost and endlessly unsituated, what is a human being if not defined by career and relationship in late modernity. I use the term “late modernity” perforce with irony.
Last time I listened to this with S she bit me. One thing that always cracks me up is people’s reactions to her. Goths are like “Goth girl with fangs, whatever” everyone else reacts generally by thinking that they’ve run into a real vampire and they’re about to be eaten which is endlessly amusing. Sie ist mein engel. I snuggle up to her and I feel safe. As long as I have her with me there’s nothing to worry about. I can just be me around her, all of me, different bits of me, and she’s just like “Eh, he’s just expressing whatever bit of him he needs to at the moment” and runs with it. Either that or we’re at each other’s throats; the arguments are awesome, full blown blazing rows of thunderous intensity which end in us laughing. “FINE, FUCK YOU. I’M MAKING BREAKFAST, DO YOU WANT SOME? WELL, DO YOU?” “FUCK OFF” “SO YOU DO, WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING ADMIT IT?” “OKAY, FINE I FUCKING DO, YOU TWAT” “GOOD, GET ME THE EGGS” “OKAY, DO WE HAVE TO KEEP SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER?” “YES, I FEEL KEEPING THINGS AT THIS LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL INTENSITY IS BENEFICIAL” “ME TOO, HOW MANY FUCKING EGGS DO WE NEED?” “ALL OF THEM, AND GET ME THE MILK WHILE YOU’RE THERE”.
Once during an argument I was searching for a really hurtful insult and all I could think of in my rage was “fuck monkey”. Her face went from rage to confusion to outright laughter “Fuck monkey?? FUCK MONKEY? what kind of an insult is that?” I’m like “WELL YOU FUCKING DO BETTER!” at this point what was a raging argument had descended into complete farce with both of us shifting between trying to keep a straight angry face and pissing ourselves laughing. Then she announces “You’ve ruined a perfectly good argument now, you can’t even have a simple row can you? Why can’t you stick to real insults, like whore or something?” “Fine, you’re a whore!” “Well you can’t actually call me a whore now, I was expecting it, it has no emotional impact if I’m expecting it”. The pair of us are crying with laughter by now, I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe.
Eventually it degenerated further into “Tea?” Yeah, yeah”,
I’m quite puzzled as to why, after converting them to Christianity, people are surprised that African countries persecute homosexuals and believe in witchcraft. What else would you expect? “Here’s the word of God, please ignore sections 32A, 64B and 67A as we have decided God didn’t really mean to inspire people to write that.” Is this what people expected and expect now? You’ve gone to a culture that thinks the world is flat, that illness is caused by demons and magic, that genital mutilation is necessary, to a culture which has not even invented writing and you teach them to read and you give them a book from a time where people thought the world was flat, that illness was caused by demons and magic and what did you expect to happen?
“Oh we’re civilised white people” Nooo, you’re dumb ass white people who hadn’t even read the shit you were shoveling.
Another thing I was thinking about is, if child protection agencies get their money off the government, how do they get budget increases or protect their budgets? They have to demonstrate to government that they need more funds to protect children, right? So the incentive in the system is actually to do a sloppy job, which will then be rewarded with more funding. This reminds me of something I read in Inside the Soviet Army where the author talks about how when he first defected to the west he gave lectures at various military academies in the west and he always gave them a scenario: Four units are pushing forward, two are stalled with heavy casualties, one is in retreat and one is slowly advancing, which do you commit your reserves to? Apparently, and I’m not sure that I believe this, the officers he asked tended to say that they would support the unit that is retreating. Soviet Army doctrine was to support the advancing unit at all costs and so bigger and bigger units would be poured into the assault at an already identified weak point leading to a catastrophic break through.
It seems like we’ve set up a system to reinforce failure rather than solve problems.
So restless. I feel like I could run for a thousand miles and I want to do everything. I think I might have a whisky to settle me, put some jazz on and do some reading. Which is probably a semi bad idea. Self medication here we come. I’m just glad I haven’t spent all my money on books or done something equally stupid. I’m so fidgety and it’s annoying which agitates me more which makes me more fidgety. I find it hard to sleep, I’m just there in the dark thinking at a million miles an hour. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a rush of thoughts I’m just there thinking and what feels like an hour is actually five or ten minutes.
All and all I’m actually quite optimistic about Generation Y. Apparently we favour classically liberal economic ideas and are more open minded about social issues. Another way of putting this is that we’re more rational than Gen X or the Baby boomers. The boomers were unbridled optimists, which meant they enacted any stupid idea which sounded good without much thought. Gen X were the lost generation that realised their parents had smoked too much weed, done too much LSD and failed to engage critically with the world and thence plunged into apathy, depression and nihilism. Gen Y are the pragmatists who realise that things can be turned around if we’re just willing to critically engage with our problems; rather than just questioning everything we also look for answers unlike the Boomers who were just out to tear the system down without much thought about it or Gen X who just ignored the system and got stoned.
It no surprise that new atheism pops up about the time that Gen Y starts coming to maturity. Gen X is too apathetic and the Boomers think that “It’s all good”. About the same time the net turned libertarian as Gen Y started asking dangerous questions like, “So what practical difference is there between a gang kicking your door in for money and the police kicking your door in for tax?” This is what happens when a generation is brought up having access to information about everything and instantly too. The Boomers and Gen X had to read books that they didn’t want to read if they were to get both sides of an argument, Gen Y sees it on YouTube in the space of ten minutes when some guy makes a video refuting someone. Ideas, information, arguments and reasoning are the hallmarks of Gen Y. I think therefore that we can expect Generation Y to do great things.