Dealing with shit.

“Your excuses do not interest me” is one of my favourite put downs, combined with the three questions technique and a technique I invented myself where you accuse them of deliberately screwing things up, which then prompts them to vigorously defend themselves by saying that they’ve put loads of effort in at which point you bitch slap them with the accusation that for all their effort and good intent they’ve obviously failed anyway, so they must be incompetent. Then you stomp on them by demanding that they choose whether they’re negligent or incompetent, and just keep chucking questions at them. 

Then you demand to see their superior and rinse and repeat until the entire command structure of the organisation is so confused, mentally off balance and so fucked up that you can basically tell it what to do. The trick is not to lose your temper or eye contact, keep your voice even and calm and never let the supervisor speak first or get into their customer relations patter. Soon as they turn up it’s “Who are you? What do you do here? How long have you worked here?” so immediately they’re on the back foot and the dominance relationship has been established then it’s “This has not been done, your staff are incompetent, you will do this” “My staff are not incomp….” “Either they could do it but have chosen not to or they chose to but are too incompetent. Which is it? Why have you failed to lead your staff? Who is your superior? Right, get them. Move. Why are you still here? We’ve established that your staff ignore you, I am not interested in talking to you. Get me someone who can solve this problem.” Eventually a phone is brought out because the next most senior person is the area manager at which point it’s “Who are you? What do you do? Where are you? I will see you in twenty minutes” and you put hand the phone back because now you’ve established dominance in the eyes of the poor unfortunate that runs things here and he knows he’s in shit from his boss.

Or you do the run down, where you list the entire events from top to bottom from the original error to the incompetence/willful negligence of the staff, the inability of the supervisor to supervise the staff under them, and the inability of the manager to manage so that you build up a mountain of shit that the poor muppet in front of you feels that they have to excuse away which only magnifies the apparent injustice of the fact that your burger has gherkin on it when you asked for no gherkin because now it’s not a small problem, it’s a huge structural problem and you’ve established dominance over everyone in the organisation from top to bottom.

So when you say “You will…….” everyone snaps to attention and does it. Never be afraid to pause to collect your thoughts, either so long as you don’t allow them to speak, so you shut them down with “I’m not interested in your excuses” then when you’re ready you speak so you establish a pattern of you speaking and them listening. Or sometimes you can get away with letting them ramble on at which point you break eye contact, ignore them completely, and either restate your request or chew them out some more. The important thing is that nothing that they have to say is important unless it is what you want to hear. I learned all this in the cadets, there’s no excuses for anything in the cadets, you knew what was expected and you did it and there was no justification for not doing it, which is a great life lesson. 

This also works great with women, but obviously you can’t chew them out as much, which is why PUAs often call what they call “sarging”. It’s more “Why are you blonde?” Actually that’s not even a random enough question, the first question has to be so random that it provokes total confusion which the next two questions reinforce so that she’s on the back foot and she learns that you’re not in the least bit intimidated by her and actually you kinda look down on her a bit. Then she’ll spend all night trying to get your approval and you’ll be like “Go away, you’re blonde” or “I don’t like your shoes” or “You remind me of a crazy person I know, see you’re getting all obsessive and won’t leave me alone”. If she starts shit testing you all that’s required is that you admit to everything she accuses you of and say that actually she doesn’t know the half of it.  “You’re really weird” “Oh, you have no idea how weird I am; I’m so weird I butter both sides of my toast. True story”. Then after two or three shit tests you’re like “Are you always this rude? I kinda liked you until you started being rude. I’m going to chat your mate up now, she’s not blonde or rude. I’m shallow. I know”. 

I did this to a stripper once and it got to the point where she was all “So are you coming for a dance?” and I just said “Of course not, I told you, I don’t like brunettes, or fake boobs” and she looked at me with total shock, pulled her boobs out and said “THEY’RE NOT FAKE, FEEL THEM!”. I then put my hand up and my mate high fived me. Plato refers to all this as “Bad boy tactics” and I am very good at “Bad boy tactics”. At the end of the night she was all “Are you going to ask for my number?” and I’m like “Why would I want your number? I’ve already seen you naked and it cost me a fortune, I’m not sure I can afford to see you again, you’re so high maintenance”. 

Honestly, I’m terrible when I’m manic. I really terrible when I’m out with G or S. I don’t know what it is but when I’m with them I just turn into this womanising git.


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