Today I feel like shit. I had a meeting this morning and, you know what? I’m fed up of dealing with people who really don’t know what is going on. I asked for work experience at this place and was told that it would be a few hours a week over a month to six weeks. Fine. It took them two weeks to get back to me over that, which is fine, I’m in no rush. Then when they did get back to me they said that it would be twenty-six hours a week over a month, which I thought was a tad excessive, now they’re saying it’s thirty-five hours for a week. I do not have thirty-five hours in week free.
Clearly this is a highly professional organisation.
Today I found myself waiting for two hours to speak to someone and generally I’m tired of having to deal with four people over something so simple. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to explain the concept of bipolar disorder to someone which I find enormously frustrating. Surely I should be able to talk to just one person, tell them, have them make the necessary arrangements and then get on with it. Finally when I got to see someone she was all, “It’s a good job you brought your book”. Which on one hand I take to be friendly chit chat, but then on the other I shouldn’t have had to bring my book. Keeping someone waiting for two hours is unprofessional and chit chatting about your lack of professionalism is, as I see it, unprofessional. I mean joking about being unprofessional like you don’t care that you’re unprofessional, isn’t that really unprofessional?
So now I am exhausted.
Usually if I start listening to this kind of music it’s indicative of the start of a depressive episode. I feel so lethargic and it’s so hard to get going in the morning, partly because I’m exhausted and partly because I have that weird feeling of just needing to hide from the world. It’s peaceful, it’s secure, it’s safe under there. My sex drive has just totally vanished. I think if S or Dakota got into bed with me they’d be very welcome, as an extra pillow, but nothing more.
I’ve been feeling quite subdued the past couple of days. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it depressed but I’d definitely call it withdrawn. My mind is quiet, I want to be alone, I don’t want to go training, I don’t want to go out, I love burying myself under the duvet and going back to sleep and I’m always a touch tired but quiet, quiet, quiet. Sometimes I just close my eyes to shut myself off in the inner peace and calm. I can’t deal with you out here and I don’t want to.
I miss S. The little things, sitting hand in hand, watching the world, not a word said, everything understood. The long hugs, the sound of her calm breathing, the feel of her breath on my forehead, her occasional sighs. The complete loss of any sense of time. Feeling nothing, sensing nothing, thinking nothing, just being. Deep blue eyes looking out from under the eyeshadow, black lips on my forehead, gentle white fingers stroking my face, a little black mirror on each, a long soothing caress. All throughout the silence, the peace and calm of a space of infinite understanding.
Women who are, “fit and they know it”…………..just…………one of the things I don’t like about the club is that unlike most nightclubs and bars which tend not to be collections of mostly regulars there is endless amounts of drama. It’s why I would never sleep with or date anyone from there, I know that drama would be created simply because someone could create drama.
It gets to be quite funny when you see women who really aren’t all that attractive and are really quite bitchy and yet they carry themselves with this air of being something really quite special and because they do they get treated as such. I think that my change of career plans, or adoption of career plans, is at least partly because I think I actually want to get out of this kind of life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, it’s good, it’s comfortable but it’s stagnant. It’s being around essentially stagnant people and I’ve said it before but I really am quite bored of it. B and I used to say that if it wasn’t for the fact that all our mates worked there and it was cheap we wouldn’t go and no it’s the case that because it’s moved venue our mates don’t work there anymore and it’s not all that cheap either but it’s still just as crap.
What do you do when you’ve chatted up every woman, talked to every guy, you see the same faces doing the same things, in the same jobs and you realise that you’re one of them and you really don’t want to be? You know I’d like to say “I realise that I’m not one of them” but I don’t feel that I can. Or maybe I’m being harsh on myself.
Dakota chided me for always having three women on the go so she couldn’t believe that I was serious about her and I find myself thinking that she obviously doesn’t understand that she’s really rare and special to me. I can’t have chats about Nietzsche, Freud, Kissinger at 3am with just any woman, I don’t find just any woman as beautiful as she is. The women I hang around mostly are a pretty dim and unintellectual lot, their interests are petty, they don’t read and they all think they’re special because their social environment is lots of basically unambitious guys in low paid jobs who can’t gun for better women. I’m not one of those guys that can settle for having such a boring girlfriend, I don’t even have close female friends like that: most of my close female friends have doctorates and are reasonably career minded, they’re trying to get somewhere.
I’ve just got myself, or allowed myself to become, stuck in a rut. I’m thinking that the rut has been fun and comfortable and it’s nice to be a leaf being washed down the rut in a rainstorm but now I want more. I don’t want be surrounded by nonsense drama or unattractive women who claw each other’s eyeballs out for shelf stackers.
You can tell the Canadians are descended from Brits, they run towards the gunfire. Generally speaking, shooting at Canadians isn’t wise. I mean Maple seems to think that shotguns were invented for the purpose of felling christmas trees………..exactly. Most of us would use an axe or maybe a saw, she gets a shotgun out and shoots the bloody thing. That’s a Canadian for you.
I am fed up of facing situations with women where if they were a man I would knock them out. There comes a point where you have insulted someone to the point where only two options remain: Apology or violence. Nobody has to stand for being insulted, and only a cretin would. This isn’t about solving anything, I’m not saying that if you hit someone you solve something just like if someone is murdered locking someone up doesn’t solve the problem. I’m saying that certain actions have consequences and the consequences at the moment are different depending on whether you have a vagina or not.
If you have a vagina then you get a pussy pass to be as rude as you want because no one is going to allow you to be punched in the face like you deserve or allow you to be punched. If you’re male and you’re rude you’re going to accident and emergency unless you’re better at scrapping than the guy that you’ve insulted, thus men are quite polite to other men. The trouble with women is that they can say what they want, do what they want and there are always guys who are desperate enough to get laid to stop them from getting the beating they royally deserve.
I find this irritating.
Like tonight: I said to my mate “There is a course on in Gloucester that I have to go to” and this woman starts yelling at me about her hair. My mate and I look at each other quite bemused and I notice that there are two women and three empty bottles of wine. Across the course of the night she keeps on this horse shit until a man arrives and she tries to convince him to beat me up. At this point I pointed out that she was pissed as a fart and out of control and needed taking home and that if she were a man I’d take her outside and knock her out, at which point peace reigned and she tried to make out that it was all a joke on her part. I suspect this was because the fifty year old guy was in no mood to take on thirty year old militant me, and I suspect he won’t be getting laid tonight because of it.
This is the problem with our society: we men do not man up and treat women as we would men. If they want boxes carried we do it for them, if they can’t reach something we get it down for them, whatever it is we treat them like they’re special. So when they’re rude we don’t do the manly thing of saying “Come on then, outside”. Then again we know that generally speaking the people you beat the shit out of you end up being best mates with and also that this wouldn’t happen with a woman, she’d go crying off to the police because equality is a bad thing when it means getting punched in the face. As soon as violence is on the cards they want the protection of the patriarchy and to have men come running to beat up the person who is in the right, the person who has offended no one and is just dishing out the consequences of being an ill brought up and spoiled brat.
We men are too whipped and too manginafied to do the right thing which is to take a stand against rude and anti-social behavior. We are so pussy whipped that we think that it’s okay if a woman is rude but not okay if a man is rude. We apply two different rules to the different genders and that is wrong. Rudeness deserves a punch in the gob whether it comes from a man or a woman and if anyone pulls that “But women are weaker” shit they can fuck off. How fucking stupid are you if you are weaker and you do something to provoke someone from battering the shit out of you? How fucking stupid are you if you get into fight you can’t win? It’s one thing if you’re in the right and you say something….fine, fair enough but if you’re just and idiot who has learned that having a vajayjay means that you can be rude and insulting because no one is man enough to treat you like a man, that’s something else.
I sadly am not yet man enough to treat women like I would a man. I am a misogynist, I believe that women are too weak to take a beating that they deserve for being rude, the same beating that I would give to a man for the same reason. I shall endeavor to be more egalitarian.
I really enjoy pointing out to people that fascism is actually a centrist position, explicitly so. The originators of fascism sort to combine socialism and liberalism into a third way, a middle ground position. People like to think that fascism is a far right ideology but that makes no sense on a linear continuum because the right would have to go from moderately collectivist at it’s leftmost point to individualistic in the middle and then back to being collectivist again at the rightmost position. Cf this with the left which is collectivist all the way though. So fascism best sits in the middle. It’s the economic policies of the liberals combined with the social policies of the socialists.
In our system virtually no one is left wing enough to actually be a leftie, no one advocates for collective ownership in the political mainstream. The furthest left people will go is to advocate state control of the market via regulation and taxation; in other words they’re kind of mild fascists. They’re not quite left wing enough to advocate for a corporate society and certainly not left wing enough to argue for state ownership of the economy and socialist social policies.