Have you ever wondered about your own potential? I was chatting with G on friday night while knocking back a while keg of beer and chatting about this brewery and how basically through laziness I’ve not really done much about setting it up and G shrugged his shoulders and said “When the time is right for you, you’ll just do it and it’ll become your life and you’ll make it massive success”. S says the same kind of things about me, in fact it seems to be a fairly common perception of me that there is an unpredictability to me. “I don’t worry about you” says S “You’re always up to something, you always have a plan, you always have a fallback option”. An unpredictability combined with a massive amount of energy.
I just wish I could switch it on and off as I pleased.
You know what it is? There’s no drama or theatricality about it. I find this difficult to face up to and admit to myself but if there is no drama about something I generally find it too boring to do. C says: “anything regular and day-to-day is a chore or doesn’t raise any interest and it takes you ages to get motivated. as soon as something veering on the risky or crazy you immediately jump to.” Apparently I am also a sloth. “they have this ‘fuck it’ exterior about anything ‘oh, this is food. oh this is a tree’. then when there’s sight and smell of a ant nest high up in a a tree ‘fuck, yeah” [sic] .
I find life boring because I ultimately see no meaning in it. The drama gives me the excitement that substitutes for meaning, the fun of playing the role is what I enjoy most. The event may not be important but the drama allows me to pretend it’s important because otherwise it’s just another even that will be quietly forgotten and lost on a long enough timescale. I think this is maybe what gets people through. For instance on sunday I was at a christening and, of course, it was really all about the women and the babies. Every mother was there to show off their brat and show how good a mother they were, every woman was there to show off her husband as her status symbol and as usual the guys weren’t really much to do with it. The whole thing was so empty and so bourgois, but thinking about it you see how the game these women play becomes the thing that they grab hold of to give their lives meaning.
Otherwise you’d just do what I do at these things and get drunk; the nonsense is the shield that allows them to forget that actually, the whole bloody lot is meaningless. With the game they know the rules, they know how to act, what to say, who to be seen with, which job to take, what to wear…….they have the ruleset which enables them to get by. They can sit back in their boring house with their boring children and their boring spouse after a boring day at work with the solace and comfort that they’re playing the game right and following the rules. It’s Camus’ Sisyphus: He watches the rock rolling back down the hill and he’s happy about it. Their whole life might be entirely pointless and bourgois but they can smile about it.
So I’m thinking that maybe I need to invent my own game with my own rules. I suppose I am doing that to a certain extent so what I really mean is that maybe I should expand my game. I read Siddhartha last week and there’s a point where he goes into a town and becomes a merchant basically so that he can have enough money to screw a courtesan and because he’s not all that emotionally involved in either business or the courtesan because his life as a holy man has allowed him to be emotionally detached to it all. This enables him to make profits and take losses with equanimity and because of that he makes objective choices and so is very successful.
I’m not emotionally invested in any of this. The new game doesn’t really interest me, it’s just something to do and keep me occupied until I die so maybe I’ll be able to play it really well. I think of it all as an interesting philosophical experiment in dealing with the absurd nature of the universe, maybe I could even go so far as to say I’m creating a work of art about the absurdity of life. There’s that saying that you should make your life a work of art, and maybe this will be just that,
I think I’ll sleep on it all.