I am drunk and I have not finished drinking: I have a large bottle of leffe to drink right by my side. I say this to put things in context. My life is so strange to me now, I feel such focus, such direction and the only person I can really talk to about it is B. So B and I had a good chat tonight. It’s rare that we get to chat on our own because other people are usually with us but tonight it was just me and him and we really chatted. I told him my plans for the future, for which he had a lot of support.

I feel this need for maturity: do I really need to be getting all political on FB? Do I really want to meet someone off the internet and jump into bed with them?  Should I really have another drink? I feel temped to put this down to hypomania but I feel that this is something real. This is the same kind of feeling I have when my uchideshi puts my weapons the wrong way around in the dojo: there is a way that things should be for a reason and now I have reasons. I must act in a way which shows that I can handle responsibility, for me, for my future plans also, but mostly for me. I don’t want to be the person that ignores the mundane, like my uchideshi, I want to be the safe pair of hands that can be relied upon to take care of the smallest detail.

Tonight B and I were talking about how much Aikido influences us, how the attitudes to things that we pick up in the dojo carry over into our lives and I feel that this is one instance where for me this is really true. I am now ready to take everything I have been taught and take it into the real world and make it of use to myself and others.

You’ll think this ironic if I post the post I’m thinking of though, I suppose that this is a journey, I have not yet reached where I want to og.


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