Apart from being quite tired a lot of the time and alternating between insomnia and marathon sleep sessions, the occasional mini panic attack and transient bouts of low mood, I’m actually not to bad. I’m not sure if this is good or not. On one hand it’s better than the usual crushing depression that I have at this time of year, but on the other hand I have this worry that I could crash into that any day.
You know, I realise that I haven’t been talking about women. I don’t blog about everything I get up to. I’m at the stage where I don’t really feel the need to talk about what’s going on and to be honest. Fuck it, I’ll talk.
So I’m in this position where, simultaneously, nothing and everything is going on. I feel like I’ve got myself caught in a bit of a web and I’m on the verge of breaking my golden rule of not getting involved with anyone who knows anyone I know and worst of all, I have no clue why I’m doing this other than I’ve just got caught up in the chase. I’m chasing someone with a boyfriend and a multitude of other women, none of which I really want.
That and I propositioned someone with social anxiety disorder, who was genuinely over the moon about it, but is too scared to leave the house and also there was a potential of sleeping with a lesbian. In short everything at the moment feels a bit out of control and I think I’m going to disengage, pull back, get some perspective because at the moment I’m just running around like a mad thing bouncing from woman to woman to woman.
You know what really worries me though? I think I may be acting out because basically I’m pining for Dakota. I want her attention, I can’t get it and I’m rushing around trying to find a substitute as if the whole Dakota situation isn’t fucking ridiculous. It’s absurd, isn’t it? It’s absurd because, let’s be honest, I’m probably balls deep in the friends zone.