You know, I’m declaring this depression. I have a distinct lack of desire to do anything and I’m always tired. I find myself turning down sex, CC excepted but that’s not quite the same due to four thousand miles of ocean. Women I could be in bed with in an hour, without the assistance of a mach 5 aircraft, wanting me to come over and I’m just feel no need, I have no interest. It seems like a lot of effort.
I just want to sleep. Actually it’s more than that, I just want to be in bed; I want to bury myself under a duvet and not come out and ignore the world. I want Dakota to be under there with me so that I can rest my head on her belly, sex seems like a lot of effort.
The low mood is kicking in too. I’m back to wondering what I’m doing in life, despite knowing, and feeling useless and pathetic and beating myself up. On the upside I only infrequently find myself muttering “I wish I was dead” or “I can’t wait to die”. Not being funny, well I am being funny, but first of all killing myself seems like a lot of effort and I’d rather bury myself in a pillow and sleep and I don’t even want to die. Where do intrusive thoughts come from? Is there a part of my brain that wants me dead or something?
Next time I see a consultant they’re going to be “And how is your sex drive?” and I shall say “In reverse”.