I don’t know if I’m maturing or getting old or what, but I realise that actually what I really want is to find some busty intellectual woman who makes me feel safe and secure. This in theory is Dakota. She fits the bill perfectly. I’m not stupid, I’m probably balls deep in the friends zone and it’ll never go anywhere. I tell people about our friendship and people always say that she’s a bitch and she’s teasing me or using me. I get all this but I meet all these other women and they’re just crap.
Not to be funny, but, there’s a woman who wants a threesome with me and her mate and I feel like I should be jumping at the chance; I feel that I should be being “male” and just doing it but you know what? The idea doesn’t interest me. It invokes nothing but ennui. I can’t imagine the sex being fun and I don’t want to get that involved with either of them because of the politics.
I don’t mean to keep harping on about it in this blog but I think I’m at the point where I really want someone and what I find available to me is masses of casual sex but the women who are offering it, by and large, are really damaged people. I tend to find that women who are secure in themselves and emotionally stable are functionally asexual. They can go for years without craving sex enough to actually go and get it. They’re the kind of women who reserve sex for a relationship; they want the whole package and they’re not settling for less. Damaged women are always seeking the short term thrill and validation of casual sex.
In that context I say “I find women really boring”. I say it over and over again because this is how I experience women. A normal, secure, stable woman does what all stable systems do: They run along in a boringly predictable fashion and for a lot of women this really is a boring boringly predictable fashion. I suppose guys are the same but I don’t fuck guys so I don’t give a fuck what guys do. I talk to so many women and I try and get to know them, and to be honest I succeed, and I don’t find them stimulating. It’s not like me and S or me and Dakota or me and C where we have these really long intellectually stimulating conversations; for so many of the women I meet their entire world is gossiping about the tiny political bubble that they’re in and watching TV.
Maybe that’s it: I’m becoming stable. I no longer feel the need for the short term thrill of validation and casual sex. I want someone I find interesting as a person, not just for the sex. Someone I can actually have. Someone I can wake up next to in the morning, snuggle up to and get a ton of affection off and later on have an interesting conversation with.
I want someone that I can feel connected to, someone who I can say, “You and me against the world”. I want to lay in her arms and feel secure and know that she feels secure too. I want something that I feel has meaning. I want someone spirited and with passion and strength. Someone with a depth of personality and intellect. Yeah I know, maybe I’m raising the bar too high or whatever, but this is a want, not a need. I can be single for the rest of my life, that isn’t an issue but I really would like to find someone.