Bleugh.

In the few hours that I am awake recently I’ve started to feel quite lost. There’s this curious feeling of not quite being myself, like part of someone else has imprinted itself on me. Also recently I’ve kinda been sensing, and this may sound quite ridiculous, but I’ve been sensing that having bipolar disorder may not be an entirely good thing. I suppose I’ve been in denial a bit about the fact that this actually places limitations on me and my life. I don’t even want to put down in this blog what I’m thinking, I don’t feel comfortable with it.

That feeling of wanting to run away and be alone somewhere isolated is back. I was watching some BBC documentary about wildlife in the arctic and antarctic and a log cabin out in the taiga would do me fine. Somewhere where the nearest people are eight hours drive away or something and I can spend days sitting by the log fire staring out into the snow bound wilderness and just thinking.

I’m starting to beat myself up again, psychologically. The negative thoughts, the self hatred, the mulling over death, have kinda crept up on me over the past week or so. I found myself standing in the shower the other day leaning on the wall and I just blurted out “I want to be dead”. So I’m now battling against that, trying to check myself every time I start thinking negatively. I even had a bit of a panic attack the other night. Fortunately it’s not constant, it comes and goes although I’m expecting this to change as the winter goes on. I have a gut feeling that I’ve got a really heavy bout of depression heading my way, for a start I don’t usually sleep 12-14 hours a day for weeks on end, sometimes as much as 18 hours.

I think if this happens and it is a big episode of very deep depression and I’m having the kind of suicidal ideation that I had during the last really big one I might see about medication. To be honest I think I’d rather quietly section myself, there’s that desire to shut myself away again. I want to be somewhere safe where I’m looked after, I want as little agency as possible so that I can’t fuck up.

I think I’m going to grab some hot chocolate, refill my hot water bottle and head back to bed.

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