I’m aware that my mood is all over the place. My base line is this kind of subdued, tired, preoccupied not feeling all that social kind of place then I go into wild euphoria about the future and everything is going to be, not just fine, but awesome. A little while later it’s all pointless and I’m useless and nothing can be done and the future is just this black pit that I’m falling into. Then I go back to the baseline of just wanting to be warm and alone and “safe”. I crave quiet and nice food. Curious thing: I can be sweating under two duvets with a hot water bottle and I know that my body is very warm but somehow mentally I’m not warm.
Small mercies: No intrusive thoughts, or very few, they do happen but they’re very rare.
I want to read and listen to jazz, which is the only noise that I can really bare. It’s really windy outside; the UK keeps getting hit with these big atlantic storms and I love to sit in the quiet and just listen to the wind rustling the trees outside. It’s nice to just sit and think. I feel like I’m cartwheeling along a tightrope over the chasm of depression; sooner or later I’m going to fall in and I’m just managing to keep my balance with excessive amounts of sleep, exercise and avoiding stress. I think I’m always a little anxious when I’m like this. Pensive is the word C uses.
I’m quite tired, I think I’ll go fill a hot water bottle and climb into bed, maybe read a little if I can.