Nani?

Occasionally people are like “You have a low opinion of women” and I’m like “Yes, I have met many of them”.

So it turns out that my intuition was right B did sleep with India. I posted this at the time, was rather grown up about it all, assumed that it was me being paranoid because of drink and mania so I deleted the post. Turns out I was right.

Then the other thing is that Dakota met India tonight, left and then texted me saying “don’t talk to me ever again” so there was a back and forth during which I told her, again, that I loved her and she’s all “Don’t tell me that you don’t feel the same about India” and eventually I battered her down to “let’s talk about this some other time” which probably means “I don’t want to talk to you ever again”.

I find myself emotionally drained by it all. It’s so normal for me that I have feelings for someone or a situation is developing with someone and some other dude comes in and bangs them that I basically don’t expect loyalty from women. It may be that we’ve spent ages flirting and getting to know each other, we’ve gone for a few drinks and things are now at the stage where I want to introduce her to my friends but there’s never been a single instance of me introducing her to my friends that hasn’t ended up with one of my friends banging her.

How am I feeling right now? I can only really trust myself. I feel that I have talked, I have trusted, I have stepped outside myself and that never ends well. It’s that Buddhist thing: attachment leads to suffering, the only way to avoid suffering is to detach yourself entirely. I need to learn to say “Sorry, if I let you in you’ll just cause me pain and the risk of disturbing my happiness is not counterbalanced by you”.

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