Is this mania or am I just thriving on stress? Like paintballing, I find it incredibly stressful, but I love it. I’m alive, alert, focused. My mind is racing at a billion miles an hour; there’s so much going on that I’m not even consciously processing it, I’m just letting it happen.

I have this hunch that the bipolar mind basically needs to be flooded with information, it needs pressure, it needs to be constantly working at the limit of its capacity. It fits with the idea of it being an evolutionary adaption; it explains why small things I find difficult, tiny things stress me out and make me crack, but a full blown emergency is like water off a duck’s back to me. There has to be a use for the energy or it gets directed inwards and into unhealthy behaviors.

I have this hunch that bipolar disorder is maladaptive in modern society because life is basically just too easy.

We’re half a million points down and I’m looking at the mission board and there’s a mission to retrieve a create worth half a million from just outside the other teams base. Everyone else on the team is despondent, everyone feels that the game is lost and there’s me and I’m like “piece of piss”. Nothing can break my confidence, I know that we’re going to win, I’ve been running around all day and I’m tired but so full of energy that it just doesn’t matter.  Everyone’s telling me that the mission is impossible and I’m like “O RLY?”.

I’m wondering if mania and hypomania are just stress reactions and coping mechanisms.


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