I feel like I’m going through a period of reassessment. I think when something shocking happens it forces an evaluation of where you are, who you are, what you’re doing and this is a process that I’m going through now. So far I’m actually quite proud of myself; I find myself to be actually rather normal, better than normal and I find that a lot of the people I associate with or associated with, perhaps the past tense is wise here, are actually pretty fucked up.
I think the question I’m working through, and which I find compelled to ask, is: What does it say about a man when he has no close female friends? Actual friends, not people on Facebook who he see’s at his regular drinking holes. I’ve never really had to ask or think about it before but I find that now that I do it somehow communicates that there is something wrong with this guy; that on some level he can’t relate to women or establish stable relationships with women.
Then I look at myself and I find that the majority of my friends are female. CC remarked that she reads my blog and there are all these women and they’re hard to keep track of, C always says that I have women around me and jokingly calls them “Your Bitches” sometimes if we’re thinking about doing something I’ll say, “I’ll have to let my bitches know that I’m busy that night”. S thinks it’s all just funny because I’m always on my phone chatting to some woman or other. Sometimes we’ll be out for coffee and she’ll be like, “Oi, playa, eyes on me”.
My social universe is one which is filled with women and not always sexually, although sex is part of it; I go to them for advice, with my thoughts, my feelings, my fears; I’m there for them to the extent that sometimes it drives me mental and I come on here and bitch about it. I am the emotional support guy; I’m the one that gets the call at 3 am when some male company is needed and when some more vigorous support is needed. That’s not to say that I don’t have male friends, because I do, but the majority of people I talk to in a day and on a regular basis are female.
I suppose at the moment I feel that a fracture between myself and my male friends, not all of them, but a good proportion of them, has become apparent. I don’t belong in this culture of hanging around with guys and only guys of having women on Facebook just to try and hook up with them but never really talking to them, this culture of going out on the weekend to look for women drunk enough to sleep with, women who I’ll never see or talk to again and never want to see or talk to again. One of B’s mates said, “If you don’t dominate your woman, some other guy will” and I was stunned at the……….ineptitude(?) of the statement. Earlier in the day he said that he can get sex easily but couldn’t find a girlfriend and I see this with this group. There’s no kind of consciousness of themselves or what they look like to women, from what I can gather from talking to my female friends.
They’re like the male version of fat chicks: Guys will cue up to screw them, but no guy is going to date them. If you have to “dominate” your woman then, really, does she want to be with you? No, and you know it. You’re not offering her anything but sex. It might even be the best sex in the world and you may be hung like a donkey and make her squirt all over the place, but any woman deeper than her vajayjay wants more. Then I look at the women that they’re sleeping with and these are women who are not all that deep in the sense of having personality: they’re rockers. They’re women who work in minimum wage jobs, have very little education, don’t really read and are constantly engaged in drama with one another and they have no ambition in life. They’re childcare assistants and work in supermarkets or whatever and have no thought or intention of bettering themselves in any way.
Looking at it now I get the sense that these are two groups of people: the rock chicks on one hand and these guys on the other and there is just a total absence of depth and with it a total absence of an ability to relate. They don’t exist in the same social universe as one another and the only channel of relation they have is drunken sex. These guys are terrified of the friends zone, and I’m not going to say that I’m free of anxiety about it, but with them it’s a profound article of faith that basically you have to sleep with a woman within days or weeks of meeting her otherwise it’s all over or some other guy will get in there; the pressure on them, and I emphasise on them, is massive.
I find that because I can see this fracture now that I’m working through the way I approach women and I’m comparing all these beliefs with what I have actually experienced and somehow the two don’t add up. I don’t actually behave in a way which is consistent with what I think I believe. I get hurt or frustrated or ratty and I spout stuff but I don’t actually act consistently with it, which would explain why the majority of my friends are female.
A couple of my friends have asked me, female friends I might add, why I think I turned out so differently. C will immediately take the credit occasionally she says that I was a rough diamond when I met her, S will take the credit, every bloody woman I know will take the bloody credit and yeah they all had something to do with it. Also I think I just have an intellect, I read, I reflect, I ask questions. I’ve developed a little bit of depth. I think I just like women, and I’ve been around them enough to see them as people and get grouchy about them being people, creatures with flaws but who are also slightly wonderful.
In related news I’m missing Dakota something rotten. I can’t imagine wanting to “dominate” her. I want her to be with me because she cares about me, I want her to feel freer when she’s around me, I want her to feel loved and supported and beautiful, not dominated. I can’t imagine viewing a woman that way.