This is why I hate Americans: they fuck everything up. You make tea and then you’re half way to the stairs when you realise that you’re carrying the milk and you’ve put the tea in the fridge and this catastrophe, this abomination against the natural order, wouldn’t have happened if an American wasn’t on the phone to you at the time.
I hate that she posts on FB, it reminds me that she isn’t here…..
I was with G-man on Thursday afternoon for a spot of lunch and the usual “How’s things with Dakota?” question got asked so I relayed the current state of play, love that phrase, to him. “She’s really got you, hasn’t she?”. I feel sorta weak and pathetic about it sometimes. there’s a helplessness to it; I can neither magic away my feelings and nor can I snap my fingers and make her return them.
Occasionally I actually feel like throwing a tantrum; you remember when you were five and you wanted something and your parents said no, but you felt like you’d die if you didn’t get it so you ended up rolling around on the floor screaming………..yeah, sometimes I feel like that about it. When there isn’t a rational response, as I see it, you may as well go full on irrational.
I feel her absence bodily; it’s a physical feeling like hunger or cold or pain, it’s not exactly what I call pleasant.
You know what doesn’t work? Getting under another woman. I should know: I have tried it multiple times.
Looks like I’m going to London next week or something.
I do not like London.
So I saw this book in Waterstones absolutely ages ago and I sat down and leafed though it and eventually I put it back on the shelf and bought something else. Today I was in there and I saw it again and I thought “fuck it why not” and bought it and now I’m about halfway though. Yeah. I find that when I’m not depressed I read a book in a day if I want to. I say a day, five hours.
I have to say that the guy lives in America and is originally from Afghanistan but he writes like a Brit with all the irony and piss taking that goes with that. It isn’t a scholarly book, as he admits, he’s done his research and the bibliography speaks to that but it’s really informal and causal and just a damn good read. To be honest though, and maybe this comes later in the book, I’m not getting the sense of a radically different viewpoint from Western histories. Yes it is totally insular in that the world outside of the Islamic world isn’t talked about but good Western histories about Islam and the Middle East do this too, so I’m not sure what the difference is meant to be. Maybe that comes later on in the book when it gets to more contemporary times.
Anyway, more reading.
I have this dream and it goes like this: Dakota and me snuggled up on a blanket in the shade of a tree, on a river bank, on a warm summer’s day, with a picnic hamper.
One of the great things about living here on the warmer evenings is that you get to hear them change ringing the church bells. I think they practice on a Thursday because it goes on for hours and hours on a Thursday but Sundays and Wednesdays and I think Mondays they ring them to call the faithful to prayer, both of them. It gives me a sense of continuity and peace.
I think the older I get the more I view myself as a kind of cultural Christian in that I’m an atheist but I support antidisestablishmentarianism and I see the King James Bible as being a cultural treasure and I acknowledge that our culture wouldn’t be where it is now without Christianity. I don’t so much mean that without it we’d all be immoral barbarians running around but for centuries the English have drawn inspiration from the Bible, it’s shaped our lives as individuals and so shaped the national identity. I don’t see that a book has to be true in a theological sense to contain truths, I read the Iliad and I draw inspiration from it but I don’t believe in Zeus either.
When Cameron says that this is a Christian country I think he’s right and I think anyone who argues to the contrary really doesn’t realise that probably a couple of times a week they quote the bible. It’s part of our language and so as fundamental to our culture as our language is. So I support the idea that the bible should be taught in school, just as I support the idea that the Iliad should be taught in school because I think future generations should be brought up with our cultural heritage.
Also I think this fills a practical need in that if you have people who can talk about Christianity but aren’t Christians they’re much less likely to be drawn in by evangelical nutters and other religious groups.
She looks kinda like Dakota when she was blonde, only Dakota is a bit bustier, quite a bit bustier. I think that’s what it is about Dakota: she’s intoxicating. I miss her now, I want her now, but when I’m with her I’m bewitched. If any other woman asks me to do something I refuse or make sure I do it on my terms, when she asks me I’m like “Okay” on reflex, like some kind of pavlovian response with a stupid grin on my face. Then I catch myself and I can’t believe I did that, again, and then she asks for something else and I’m like “Okay” again with the stupid grin and this time I’m like “FOR FUCK SAKE, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!”. Worst of all SHE KNOWS IT!!!!!
I remember the first time she decided to go back to her natural hair colour and she did that thing she does. She looks around the group, “What do we think people?” the group agrees that this is a good thing then she turns to me, “What do you think?” and I shrug and reply, “I like it, brings out your eyes more than the blonde did” and then I paused and spent the next ten minutes pondering if this was like the ultimate simp reply or if this might have been the vaguely correct thing to say. It was an honest opinion either way. I find myself indifferent to her hair colour, although maybe she seems more mature with her natural colour, more womanly somehow, if you could ever she could ever be more womanly. How much more itself than itself can a thing be?
She always does that; asks everyone then asks me and when I reply she always just looks at me as if she’s studying me, no approval, no disapproval just a kind of “Hmmm”.