Models are really boring to look at.
I can feel the mania kicking in. I’m resisting going out and buying stuff that I don’t really want and don’t really need because having it would be cool.
I’m just bored.
I feel like waking S up and just…….something or other. I don’t know. Something.
It’s like: What actually is the point? It’s all so bourgois, all so boring. I want to do something epic and I want to do it now. I want to jump in a car and drive across Europe or jump on a plane and fly somewhere far, far away. I want a mission, I want an adventure. I want to do something that makes people say, “You’re crazy to do that”. I want to do something which I don’t really have words for…….requires total freedom, gives total freedom, is total freedom. I want to remove every constraint from myself and just be free.
I don’t want to think about things, I don’t want to care about things, I don’t want to be caught up in this bourgeois bullshit, I don’t want to be held back by convention, I don’t want to be put in a box, I don’t want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to be normal, I don’t want to be well. I want to be free and wild even if it’s totally self-destructive.
I just want out of this and don’t ask me what this is because it’s just too big to describe, reality maybe. It’s like I realise I’m in the matrix and I want out. I want to be away from the pettiness, the small mindedness, the dumb. The dumb is everywhere and I’m so fed up of it. I’m fed up of being around people and feeling so alone and thinking “The dumb is strong with this one”.
I’ve got to get rid of this energy. I feel like I’m going to explode. I want to go faster and I want to slow down.