I see a photo of her on FB and suddenly I sigh and it’s unconscious. I don’t even realise what’s going on, suddenly it just comes out of me and then I become aware of myself and I’m breathing a little deeper, I’m a little relaxed. I want her. I want her now. I want to bury myself in her arms and kiss her. I want to feel the warmth of her soft cheek on mine, I want to hear her breathing. I want to stroke her back and take in her intoxicating scent and I never want to have to let go.
Being apart from her is hell. The first month is fine but after that it’s like withdrawal symptoms start kicking in.
I’m petrified that if I don’t see her soon that I’ll never see her or what if things don’t work out, maybe I’ve made up any hope of being with her in my head and I’m an idiot. I try not to think about it because I’d go mental.
On one hand I want to keep some dignity and then on the other I feel like I should be casting dignity to the wind and begging her. Then I’m thinking “no, neediness is not attractive and it’s weird” but then I have this intense longing for her. I feel like I need her; I feel like the world will implode if I don’t see her soon. Part of me is “oh for fuck’s sake grow up” but then another part wants to lay down on the ground and start screaming like a toddler until she comes.
“I don’t think you feel how you think you do” she says……….I feel like I’m burning and she’s a cool stream to dive into, she’s the only thing that can sooth me. “It’s pointless starting a relationship, we don’t want to move in together or have children” and I’m like stop being rational. This isn’t rational for me, you may as well say “Well I don’t think you’re really hungry”. This is a physical thing, I can feel it. I don’t care about moving in or not moving in, children or no children. You may as well get a starving man and ask him if he’s bothered about having gravy on the massive roast dinner; I don’t give a flying fuck, just give me the food!