Stuck

Mind you………I was also going to blog about this feeling of destiny that I’ve always had. This feeling that something or someone was ultimately looking out for me that that, like it or not, things would work out really well for me. Essentially this comes from the repeated experience of not being able to fuck things up no matter how hard I try. Something always comes up just when I thought all hope is lost. It’s left me sceptical of the idea of coincidence……..and free will…..and metaphysical naturalism.

Today mum got some really good news which also means that one of my biggest headaches is taken care of. So I have this feeling of having the path in front of me cleared. Generally I feel things are very positive at the moment. Actually, that’s horseshit. Rationally I realise that things are looking very positive at the moment: I feel moderately shit and that it’s all hopeless. Welcome to bipolar disorder.

I have fallen into being unmotivated. I used to beat myself up and call it laziness until I realised that it actually isn’t laziness. It’s a weird thing where the desire to get something done is there but not the motivation. I have in fact spent most of the night staring at a slightly less than blank screen knowing exactly what I want to write but not being able to do it. I can read what I need to read, I understand what I want to write………nothing’s coming out. So I’ve watched this, this and this which is tangentially related. I want to read Tom Holland’s book In the Shadow of the Sword: The Battle for Global Empire and the End of the Ancient WorldHe did a really good documentary on early Islam for Channel 4 which is on more4 which I watch now and then.

Then I find that I can write this. I might hit the sack now and sleep on it, write it as a stream of consciousness like a blog post and see what that does for it. Shit.

Having said all this though I feel optimistic or see reason for optimism. Something. Bizarre separation of the rational and emotional but then I can be like “I’ll apply to The Economist” because that doesn’t have “manic flight of fancy” written all over it. I suspect this is one of the evolutionary advantages of bipolar disorder, it makes you do optimistic things out of all proportion to their likelihood of success which means that you end up being able to make quite good progress. Other people are doing stupid things like, you know, being realistic, and you’re here trying a million and one unrealistic things that only have one in a million chance of success and then oddly you succeed. Being realistic is so often a synonym for low expectations or lack of ambition.

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