If I can just make it to 5pm on Friday in one piece…………
I nearly had a panic attack about an hour ago and also one this morning. I just feel like it’s one thing after another. Next week though I have nothing to worry about, if things go well on Friday. That’s me safe for a while.
I can feel the tension across my shoulders from anxiety and I’m really tired. I wish I could just go to bed and never have to get out of it and just stay snuggled up and warm under the covers. I wish I wasn’t here as well. I want to be somewhere remote, away from everyone. Except maybe S. I’d like S to be there for kisses and cuddles. I want to sit on a sofa with a wood burner and a huge window looking out over some mountains and just spend all day listening to the rain and looking out at the mountains.
I want that feeling of isolation and security. Stillness. I don’t want the rest of the world to exist – which I take to be a kind of otherside of the suicide coin now that I reflect on it: I don’t want to kill me – I want everyone else to be gone. The whole world. All of it. I want my own little world, I suppose because I could control my own little world and so I’d feel safe.