I love the comfortable drunkenness of Tuesday night drinking. I feel like it puts me in touch with parts of myself that are deeper than most.
I have a situation that I can’t sort out in my mind. I can’t bring clarity to it. So let me be blunt: the place I volunteer is full of people of subnormal intelligence. I don’t mean this as an insult but as a statement of fact; about a third of them have carers and the rest……….the rest I suspect have learning difficulties. Even the assistant manager is slow. The manager constantly has to keep an eye on them, and constantly be on top of them because some of them will literally wander off mid-task.
Then there’s W. I like W, we crack jokes together, we moan together, we flirt endlessly. If I’m up a ladder she tells me to be careful or laughs about me living dangerously. If I linger around the books too long she tells me that she’s got my eye on me and playfully tells me off for buying books, she’ll playfully do things to wind me up. She tells me that I have to stay until she leaves. When we’re alone together the conversation quickly turns to sex; sexual encounters, sexual experiences. Today I found out that one of the office chairs allows you to lean back on it, she commented that it was perfectly designed so that a woman could ride a man.
Now W isn’t unattractive to me on a physical basis, on a certain level I’d take her over the kitchen table of the staff room in a heartbeat but, and I don’t want to say anything bad about her because she doesn’t deserve it, but I suppose I doubt her intellectual capacity. Now that I’ve said that I wonder if I’ve underestimated her. My great problem with women is that few women have what I would regard as an intellect; it’s that blank profile thing I was talking about: after thirty years the average woman has nothing to say for herself and assumes that making duck face on her profile pic is all that’s needed to get a boyfriend. This bores me: I’m highly sapiosexual.
So I don’t know. Do I want anything serious with her? No. Is it a good idea to bang a coworker, no, but I’m a volunteer, I can walk away when I please. I suppose I’m anxious because I feel that if I made a move on her then I’d be taking advantage of her and then when I say that, I feel like an ass because this is an adult woman, almost as old as me, who has had numerous sexual relationships, one night stands included, and she’s quite capable, by the looks of it, of taking care of herself.
That and I totally alpha maled myself by sticking up for her and facing down the manager who endlessly picks on her. There are no words for how much this irritates me and if the manager were male I probably would have taken them into the back room and had serious words with them. The manager, however, is not male and that complicates things for me.
As an example of how bad it is for W I was making tea for myself and I asked if she would like tea because I was making one. Then the manager comes down and says to W, “You’ve already had tea, why have you made another cup?” and I stepped in and said that I’d made the tea, “Why are you making tea for W?” “Because I was making one for myself and it’s polite to ask”. The manager then turns on W and accuses her of “scrounging off the volunteers and giving nothing back”.
Again if they had been male I’d have said, “That’s enough” and I’m really not very good at backing down from anything. I’m fed up of seeing the manager load jobs onto W and then yell at her for not completing them. She can’t possibly have done one job and she’s being yelled at for not doing the third job. She actually came and apologised to me for getting me into trouble and my response was, “Pft, I make tea for who I please, maybe I’ll make you ten more cups of tea if I feel like it”.
I’m constantly fighting this urge to step in; all the other staff seem to think that the way W gets treated is normal and that seeing W crying is normal and I can’t see things that way. It’s why I hate female dominated environments: in my experience they’re nasty, horrible, vicious places. One of the great things about being male is that no female is ever going to be a serious challenge to you; you can just ignore them and for the most part women see men as being neutral actors: women are largely indifferent to the existence of men and so even in a female dominated environment they leave you alone.
It’s like if a man compliments a woman it’s nice, but what the fuck does he know? If a woman compliments a woman then it’s a major thing because an expert has complimented her. Women dress for the approval of other women; women do everything for the approval of other women so as a man in a female dominated environment you’re a bit of an irrelevancy.