Wow, that took me somewhere painful. Sometimes I forget just how much pain is buried down there. I don’t think I’d be here without S; I’d be dead.
I think that’s maybe why I tend towards being dispassionate and detached, hyper-rational. Even now things are too painful to really think about. I don’t want to feel that way ever again, I never want to experience that little black box of self-hatred, of feeling totally alone and unwanted, ugly, helpless, of feeling worthless.
That wasn’t even the worst part; the worst part was wondering what was wrong with me. Even now I still have really deep self-esteem issues, which I cover up well and in fairness, I’m in a pretty good place. I don’t hate myself anymore but in some ways I still don’t feel good enough. There’s still that lingering doubt and I kind of realise that pain shapes how you grow as a person, you grow in ways which help you avoid it and cope with it.
I remember rationalising that I was like some kind of social stress ball, that it was good that things were taken out on me because I could hack it and it fed into this whole japanophile/martial artist/samurai thing I had going on. I needed to be tough so I found a philosophy that was about living in death and I suppose it was a way of depersonalising it all; it wasn’t about me, I had a function, which was to take it all so that someone else, maybe many other people, didn’t have to. Gave a reason to the unreasonable, something to hold on to, something to understand it by.
That feeling of having nothing of being nothing, of being almost an artificial construct, of being a nonperson, just a thing with a function. I would have killed myself if I realised that I existed.
The first time we snuggled I was so stiff. It felt so weird just to be held and I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t really understand what was going on. It was weird to be touched in a nonviolent way, frighteningly weird. I couldn’t trust her, I couldn’t trust anyone, not even out of a fear of being hurt but just not really understanding it all. This person being there and always being there. I couldn’t understand it.