Why are all the cute ones American………………Actually that’s not true, some of them are European.

I’m so fucking grumpy and I don’t particularly enjoy it. I suppose I’m feeling lonely and I think maybe it’s because my birthday is coming up and I hate my birthday: I always have depression around this time. I just don’t know why I’m doing things anymore; it all feels a bit pointless. Like today C talked me into buying a shirt, £55 worth of shirt which is a lot of money for me.

Well this is it: I really like the shirt and normally I’d be thinking to myself how good the shirt is and how it’ll go well with whatever and how good I’ll look in it when I’m out and at the end of this chain of thought are women. Only now I’m feeling like women don’t actually care and so actually it’s all a waste of time and money. I don’t even feel like asking Dakota to lunch tomorrow. I’m that fed up.

This is the thing with these things: you never know but from talking to female friends women seem to do all these really subtle things and nothing is ever accidental….I think it’s probably just female horseshit but anyway. So I’m sitting opposite Dakota and, as usual, she’s facing me by which I mean that she’s diagonally across the table from me but her body is facing me, her toes are pointing towards me, Jboy is sitting in front of her, so she’s almost side on to him. Right: that kind of body language, the kind of body language that, all things being equal, would cause me to think that I’m in there. We’re talking and all the eye contact is with me, this is normal when the three of us are together, the body language the eye contact, this is how it is. She has this vest top on and, right, let me explain the boob trick before I go on.

Dakota is busty but somehow, and I don’t know how, she can come out sometimes and she looks totally flat chested and has no cleavage and then other times she comes out and they’re huge. How this happens, I do not know. I know that she sometimes wears sports bras when she’s out. Anyway, on this night they were most definitely out and she kept leaning forward and normally I’m good at keeping eye contact, not looking but this is Dakota and I could not help myself for love or money. She must notice, she must know that this is going to happen when she puts a top like that on………so I’m thinking that this is planned………but then I feel like I’m reading too much in but then my female friends think, by a decent majority, that it’s planned. Obviously it’s just an attention grabbing thing but, I suppose I feel used.

I’m used for attention, emotional support, I’m always there when people need me and I don’t really feel that it’s reciprocated. There have been times over the past couple of weeks where if I sit down for long enough I pretty much zone out and end up getting kind of weepy over it all. Life just feels like one arse kicking after another and usually handling one arse kicking after another is something I do well but right now I just can’t. Now I’m asking when exactly the arse kicking stops and something good actually happens. I feel like too much of my life is good if nothing bad is happening; any day without disasters is a good day.


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