Kampfgruppen Vistula

I just awoke from the most fucked up dream ever. It started when I was being carried into this huge tent on a stretcher absolutely shitfaced. As in so shitfaced that I was basically unable to move and all these people were around me and looking at me with total disdain and it turned out that I was the new corps commander.

So I’m laying there, barely able to move and I’m like “Water, get me some water” and someone got me some water and I managed to get myself to sit up. Then I spent a few minutes looking around the tent and I notice that they’re all fucking Germans. This displeases me. Eventually I made it over to the map table and I’m looking at it and I’m like, “What’s this?” “Third panzer division” “This?” “Twenty-sixth panzer” and I realise that I have three panzer divisions and a division of mechanised infantry and they’re all strung out in a line. This displeases me. I have them sorted out so that twenty-sixth is up front, third on the left flank in echelon, thirtieth in support behind twenty-sixth and the mechanised infantry out on the rear right.

This is done and I’m like “We’re going for these bridges on the Vistula” This displeases both Army and Army Group who are ordering a general withdrawal.  This displeases me because I can see a gap opening up between two Russian armies, in their pursuit of us they’re losing their cohesion. So I ignore both Army and Army group and I go rushing through the gap. Naturally we punch through and we’re on our way to the Vistula and I send a signal back to army basically saying, “All of army to follow my corps through the breech” and army send back a signal basically saying, “Who the fuck are you to be issuing orders to army?” and I’m like, “I’m the fucker in the enemy rear heading for the bridges on the Vistula”.

So we get to the bridges and we’re so far in the rear that we can cross them unopposed and I’m about to move my lead elements across and some fucking American is on the radio yelling at me about falling back and I’m like, “Fuck off, I’m in front of my lead vehicle right now and there is exactly fuck all between me and Moscow; I’m securing these bridges, I’m cutting off their supply lines and their line of retreat, order a general offensive in support of me or fuck off”. This guy is looking at me and I’m like, “To beat me quickly they’re going to have to have at least a three to one superiority which means that they have to throw a whole army at my corps which means pulling a whole army off the front line. If nothing else it’ll totally fuck up their offensive.

And then I woke up.

I suppose that’s what you get for coming home shitfaced from a BBQ and having a nap after reading a chapter of Lost Victories.


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