We are here – too much testosterone edition. NSFW.

 

So we’re doing three man attack. I say we; I am doing three man attack. I’m surrounded by three guys, all of them are taller than me, one is a 6’5 ex-kickboxer who could literally KO me with a slap, another does weights and is entirely too strong for his own good and the third is my uchi deshi, I trained him myself and when he wants to be – like now – he’s fucking vicious. What am I doing while I’m waiting for them to jump me? I’m hypomanically bopping to music that only I can hear.

Sensei calls hajime and they all rush in and I move and two of them run into each other as I’m throwing my uchi deshi into them. Result: Heap of bodies. I knew that was going to happen, I planned it, I am that good. How did I feel? Nonchalant, insouciant, blase. It’s what I do.

Now how do I feel? Bored. I want to fuck. I wouldn’t even say that I’m horny, I just want to fuck. Nothing romantic, I want to go at her like I’m chucking people around and I want her to be growling and talking filth back at me the whole time. I want someone who fights back, I want to feel like I’m playing with fire. I want insane levels of intensity. I want all the bullshit cut out, the nonsense that gets between the fact that we both want to fuck, we both want maximum intensity, I want to chuck out the inhibitions because they’re such horseshit.

I want a slut, a total slut. Someone who can stand there and nonchalantly say that she loves sex, does what she wants with who she wants and doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her or what she does. Someone who makes no apologies, no compromises and doesn’t expect any from me. Someone who doesn’t justify herself to anyone and doesn’t expect any justification from me.

I want someone who can sip her whisky, provocatively look me right in the eye over the top of the glass and say, “Of course you want to fuck my tits, they’re awesome. So? Go on, fuck me”. No horseshit, no, “but we hardly know each other” no holding back. I want a woman who leaves why I find her attractive up to me, doesn’t question it, just accepts that I find her attractive, enjoys feeling attractive, and leaves it at that.

It’d be nice to find a woman who gets that I find her attractive and want to fuck her because fucking her feels good and doesn’t feel the need to complicate things and can just enjoy getting fucked and enjoy being the centre of my attention as much as I enjoy being the centre of hers.

By nature I’m an extremist; moderation is just a fancy way of making being half arsed sound reasonable. I used to think that I didn’t like parties and going out and things of that nature until I realised that what other people think of as being a wild party I find sedate and what I consider wild usually terrifies people half to death. I think I lack a basic sense of inhibition at the best of times and when I’m hypomanic I have none at all – and I see nothing wrong with this because, in the final analysis we’re all going to die and so holding back, being inhibited, makes no sense. I’m here to do as much with as much intensity as possible, I want to live as close to the edge as I can for the most amount of time as I can.

I think this is probably something to do with martial arts and paintball and all the basically combative things that I do, plus a helping of bipolar disorder: the whole lot is about being uninhibited, not messing around, getting right into the thick of high pressure situations and not just surviving, but thriving. That’s probably why I’m pretty unreactive to most things: after fighting, and mania, the rest of life kinda has the volume turned down.

The trouble is that, practically speaking, extremists like myself are pretty rare. Getting that rush that I need is quite hard even if getting sex is fairly easy.

 

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4 thoughts on “We are here – too much testosterone edition. NSFW.

  1. Why is it ok to label a women who enjoys sex a slut? I’m not the last of the fanatic feminists by any means, but it’s a label that really irritates me with its inherent double-standards.

    Everything else you write – sure, cool, yeah, great. And then that rancid demeaning little word – just, ugh. It’s fine to be all those things and it’s also fine to not expect to be called a slut because you’re not uptight…

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