Kan – intuition.

Something’s bugging me. Two conversations. The usual nonsense that I’m trying to make sense of. It’s been bugging me off and on for a couple of months now.

Omote – in front. In budo this means two things. The first simply means to execute a technique which goes in front of your partner. The second is the obvious meaning of the technique which anyone can pick up from watching or doing it.

Ura – behind. Executing a technique by going behind your partner or the things about the kata or technique which are not obvious and which can only be communicated instructor to student verbally or by some other special means. The ura is the okuden: the hidden teachings which can sometimes be diametrically different from the omote.

So conversation one, Jboy goes to the bar and she talks about having a rough time at university. Fine. Conversation one Jboy goes to the bar and she starts talking about her mum offering to pay for a boob job. She’s always been insecure about her breasts.

This is one of those “trying to clarify my own thoughts” posts, don’t expect coherence.

I suppose what I want to say to her is that she obviously feels secure enough talking to me about her insecurities. The later one: She knows how I feel about her and she knows how I feel about breasts; my breast fetish is something that we talk about everytime we meet. Logically therefore I presume that she must understand how amazingly positively I view her breasts.

This is one of those conversations that we have where I feel that there is a subtext. It’s very Japanese, the omote of the conversation is that we’re talking in the abstract about how fake boobs are crap and she doesn’t need one. The ura of the conversation is her drawing my attention to her boobs and receiving compliments and confirmation that I’m still interested. This is why she, knowing how I feel about her and about boobs, sits opposite me and leans forward knowing full well that it takes all of my will power not to have a damn good oggle and that given half a chance she would be topless in seconds.

Another level is her letting me into her insecurities, allowing herself to be vulnerable and me putting her at ease. Hopefully.

Like we have this conversation of which the omote is about porn and men dominating women in porn, which neither of us like and how terrible this is. The ura of the conversation is her asking how I’d treat her and me telling her that I have no wish to dominate her. I’m going to stick a note about omote and ura at the start.

I think. All of this is kan – intuition.

What’s bugging me is that she was away at university and having a rough time and I only found out about it afterwards when every fiber of my being wants to look after her and make her happy and secure. It’s this pattern of open up, then shut out, open up, shut out. If she’s going to come to be for support, great, but she should let me support her. I want her to know that it’s okay to be insecure around me; she doesn’t have to be the bright, bubbly , extroverted social butterfly. She can just relax and be herself and actually I’d quite like that.

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