I occasionally wish I could get over Dakota. This is….you know. There are always multiple women in my life and it’s not by design or desire, it’s that I never have what I need and I’m always searching for it which doesn’t look good to women because I just end up looking like a player or something when actually I’m just incredibly lost and putting a brave face on it.
What do I want? I want to cuddle up to Dakota in bed, I want to suck on her breasts, have her wrap herself around me, kiss my forehead, whisper gently in my ear, stroke me, let me be totally vulnerable, literally let my inner child out with its need to be comforted and made to feel secure and if that ever happens I’ll never look at another woman again.
It’s not that I want to have these feelings for her or that I don’t realise the ridiculousness of the whole situation, and maybe of myself, it’s that I can’t seem to help it and I can’t seem to find anyone to give me what I apparently need.
Then I remind myself that, actually, taking an interest in other women is entirely healthy, I can’t be obsessed with Dakota if I’m willing to pursue BM and whoever else, or that I would consider a relationship with S if that was a possibility. I’m more than willing to consider other options, but none of them are good or if they are good then they’re rather nascent and inchoate at this stage. It’s not like BM and I are going to be a couple by next week. Or ever. It’s not like C and I aren’t in each other’s friendzone.
That and my feelings for Dakota are qualitatively different. S and I can do the whole snuggly breast sucking thing and, yes, I love it, yes it feels great but it’s missing something. Yes, I want BM, but doing the whole snuggly breast sucking thing with her at this point in time – the idea of it makes me feel a bit……I’m not willing to be that vulnerable with an almost total stranger. My thoughts about BM are still in that stage of being purely sexual, whereas I’ve been friends with Dakota for years and curiously I struggle to think about her in the same kind of way. It does happen – but it’s not what I really want from her.
As an aside to you who are reading – you know who you are – I asked to suck your breasts despite the near total stranger stuff because you read my blog: you know things about me that a lot of people close to me don’t. It’s an atypical situation.
Anywho. So I have this image of BM in my head when I think about her and it’s filthy. Her on her knees, holding her huge breasts and absolutely plastered in my semen and clearly loving every minute of it. Oddly I can’t quite picture Dakota like this. When I think of being naked with Dakota I actually start to feel calm and sleepy. The worst thing I can do in the morning is wake up thinking about her because I roll over, hunker down and go back to sleep whereas if I wake up thinking of BM I end up having to masturbate.
That said there are times when I can sort of force myself to think about Dakota in a sexual way and it is mind blowing. It’s hypererotic. It sends me into this extremely primal place. I want to be inside her with my hands cupped over her breasts, feeling her soft skin against mine, the heat of her body, kissing her neck, squeezing her to me, feeling her hot juice all over my cock and being desperate to join with her totally.
I think that maybe my brain puts a block on me going there because I’d end up going mental.