“Do you want me to move over so you can sit at the table or are you happy in the space between tables?” says, C. “I usually sit here, actually” “That’s so alpha male”. I’m manspreading, hands behind my head, watching the world go by. If there was something to put my foot up on, my foot would have been up on it.

I’m looking around the room: blue jeans, t-shirts, trainers, hoodies……and me in my white chinos, tan leather shoes and sky blue oxford shirt sitting in a cloud of Bleu de Chanel (EdP). Even my socks match my outfit. Sleeves rolled up, top two buttons undone, I’m pretty chilled. I see these guys and they’ve bought these really expensive designer oxford shirts and they have them totally buttoned up, cuffs done up and they look like their mum has dressed them and it gives off a sense of insecurity somehow too. To me anyway. It’s an unrelaxed look and being unrelaxed means that you’re tense, nervous, you want the security of being covered up.

It’s always the trousers: the white ones, the red ones, the purple ones. Guys stare in that kind of challenging way and I glance at them to give them that acknowledgement that I’m not afraid of them and then carry on past like I own the place, which is easy to do after fifteen years of having your posture sorted out in Aikido. Also I’ve got into the habit of not reacting to anything said to me.

R says, “Women like you because you’re so self confident” and I actually don’t feel all that confident and I don’t really feel that women like me. I realise, though, that obviously other people see me differently to how I see me. I think maybe I’m so introspective, he says in his incredibly self-absorbed blog, that I don’t actually stop to look at myself in context. I don’t stop to look at this room full of nigh on identically dressed men and think, “Oooh actually, I’m really standing out here, maybe I’m actually more confident than those guys”.

In related news a colleague/friend of BM was in the bar and was possibly maybe having a good look at me and C so I’m wondering if maybe things will be reported back to BM. C certainly got the impression that she was looking over at us a lot. BM has actually seen me with C before.


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