Paris.

So I’m sitting opposite her, Jboy goes off to the bar, the conversation becomes more personal. She leans forward, puts her folded arms on the table, her boobs on her arms and I’m thinking to myself, “You have to say something”. So I mentioned about this job that I’m going for and how if I get it I’d like to do some traveling. We talk about traveling for a bit and I say, “Would you come traveling with me?” “Ahh, I like to travel alone. Where are you thinking of going?” “Paris” “I want to go back to Paris” “How about we go together around March?” “Yeah, that sounds good. How would we get there? Fly or take the train?” “I reckon we can get some cheap flights”. Then Jboy came back and the conversation switched.

Naturally I was ecstatic.I told C over the phone and she put the phone down on me….and has defriended me on FB……great. I told S and S was like “You jammy little shit! Even if nothing happens this is a huge step forward!” Maple is happy too. CM is ignoring me because I didn’t respond to her and CC is ecstatic also.

More later, I feel like playing games.

Isn’t it?

There’s nothing worse than terrible sex.

In other news I flushed out Dakota. I think. I spotted her on Tinder which meant that she was back home from uni. I’ve been so wrapped up in BM that I haven’t really been all that fussed about Dakota – more of which later – so I dropped a her a FB message to say hi and that I wouldn’t tell Jboy. Jboy isn’t going to be happy that she’s been back and not told him. The curious thing is that Dakota then read that message, so on Tuesday night I was in cheeky mood so I started basically taunting her “Oh now you’re reading my messages?” then I told her that I still quite liked her because she was intelligent and blah blah.

Now for some context about two hours before this I was doing jagerbombs with BM. BM is an odd one. C has taken a disliking to her because she is very flirty with everyone and I see where she’s coming from. One thing that’s, not bugging me, but I suppose sticks in my mind. Things have changed: Before she’d be bold as brass, stick her tongue out at me on sight, have some flirty quip ready for the moment we met. Now she looks at me and she looks quite uncertain. We’ll make eye contact and she waits to see what I’m going to do. So I gave her a wave and she gives me this nervous little wave and a smile back and then after that she was back to being bold as brass.

There’s something quite vulnerable about her. Anyway so I had this gut feeling so I posted a status on FB that basically said that I had this gut feeling and asking who wanted to be best man. It was a vague status, it said nothing but, probably because of that, it elicited huge attention with everyone wanting to know what was going on. I’ll be honest, I was totally evasive because after the debacle with B and India I’m buggered if I’m letting anyone near her and also because I’m aware that, essentially, nothing is going on. We flirt, we talk, we have a few drinks together, maybe we hug, that’s it. This blog for weeks has basically about me getting everything down while it’s fresh so I can mull things over because basically nothing is really happening. The last thing I want is all my mates piling into the place to see her and her getting the impression that I’ve said something big is happening. I’ve said nothing because there is nothing really to tell. I’ve spent literally months patiently building a relationship with her, I’m not risking it.

Either way it created a huge fuss on FB, Sensei was demanding more information, as was B, other people were planning the stag do, Gman, who knows everything and has met her, was offering to reveal her name for a bottle of 18 Year old Talisker and sharing anecdotes about her and it would have been popping up in all my friend’s feeds for hours.

The upshot about all this and whether there is a connection between be being a cheeky ass, the FB status and this is an uncertain thing in my mind, but, guess who I’m going for a drink with tonight? Mhmm, yeah. Guess who after ignoring me as she does now wants to meet up? Yeah. I’m telling her fuck all. I’m waiting for the moment she says, “So, who is this person you were talking about on FB”.How I’m going to respond to this I don’t know. I might say, “Well there’s no immediate need to storm off in a jealous rage like you did over India and the low cut top and the leaning forward thing…… I’m not stupid.”

I am manic as fuck.

Update.

I find this hard to write for reasons I might explain at the end. Trigger warnings for perversion, TMI, etc.

So Tuesday drinking happened as normal, not sure what’s happening with Dakota, i.e when she’s back from uni, seeing Rogue One, etc. I assume that’ll happen next week.

BM was working, the bar was rammed and at first I didn’t notice her until, and I’m not sure how I feel about myself for this, but I noticed this huge pair of boobs bouncing down the stairs. BM has a habit of running up and down the stairs and since my usual spot is on the sofa side onto the stairs I see her running up and down quite a lot. Needless to say that when you have huge boobs and you run up and down stairs they jiggle around a lot and needless to say one’s mammary obsession and general maleness ensures that the processing power of one’s wetware is immediately and almost exclusively, save for basic homeostasis, devoted to said motion the moment it is detected.

We didn’t really talk, she was too busy and obviously tired and stressed. I did speak to her, briefly just to ask if she was okay and I bought her a jagerbomb and she smiled with that cheeky smile. Then as I was leaving I opened my arms to hug her and she dived underneath and vanished around the corner, which I laughed about. When she’s working she’s always in a very focused mindset. When she’s at work, she’s at work and it’s only when there’s nothing to do that she’ll come and flirt or talk.

Speaking of talking: I’ve taken to going in on a Thursday and Friday morning for breakfast because my chances of getting a lunch break on either day are somewhere around nil. Partly this is my fault since I seem to be a selective workaholic: when I’ve started on a task I work through until it’s done and actually if I have two tasks then I’d rather complete them both and then go for lunch than go for lunch and get out of my little zone. I suppose BM and I share that kind of attitude. Curious. So it makes sense to go for a large breakfast because that will carry me through the day and on a Friday it gives me a chance to see her when I’m alone and the pub is quiet.

Of course, I went for breakfast today and she was pottering about and I always make something of a point to not disturb her if she’s obviously busy, I think that giving her space is important also because I don’t want to be creepy or obviously into her too much. I’m just a customer in for breakfast and if she wants to talk or there’s a need to talk then we do. Frequent readers will know that this usually takes the form of banter and flirting but recently things are now shifting over to just talking, which I regard as progress because we’re now taking each other seriously.

So she was pottering about and she cleans the table next to mine: I’m reading The Times on my phone and she says, “You’re in early again” and I explained how I have no time for lunch so a big breakfast is better for me, “Fair enough”. I asked how she was and I know that they have her working all hours, she looks so tired recently. Turns out that she was working last night and was meant to have this morning off, which means that she’s been in since 6am and I assume that, as with last week, she’s not really getting much sleep. She said that she was pissed off and tempted to walk out.

My current plan is therefore to just keep going for breakfast and keep having little conversations to build some common ground rather than just asking her out outright. I think that if we get to know each other a bit more and that I’m interested in how she is and in her as a person that things will eventually reach a point where going for a drink will be natural.

In related news I was around at Gman’s house dropping off presents for his little ones, he’s just acquired a new one, a daughter, as in literally acquired since they’re adopting again, and so it was the first time I’ve seen her. Mr and Mrs Gman managed to get them off to sleep and then she went out to see her mum which left Gman and I in the house with enough wine to drown a small african country. Leaving us in charge is always a recipe for chaos and sure enough I was soon updating him on the BM situation.

It has come to our attention that few things in life get more female approval than children and we have two of them. “So you go for breakfast every week?” “Yeah” “How about I bring one of the kids? She gets to see you with children which women always love, Mrs Gman gets a bit of a break since she’s been having both of them since I went back to work and I get to spend time with my best mate”. Genius. Especially since feeding duties often devolve onto me since sprog number one rather likes me. This is an understatement: My arrival is always greeted with positive jubilation and often when it comes to lunch he refuses to be fed by Gman and demands that I do it.

I admit that there is a certain amount of low cunning here, but I figure that all is fair in love and war and, actually, we’ve been in there before with sprog one many times so it’s not entirely a ruse de guerre.

 

I find this hard to write because for some reason – and I think this is to do with the fact that I’ve been taking vitamin C tablets which contain zinc, which boosts testosterone – I am outrageously horny and have been for a couple of weeks. S got a very white Christmas. Everything went to shit: I was meant to see her today but family commitments ruined that so she decided that we’d meet up last night, only I was out with C until late so nothing happened until about 2am before anything happened.

Fortunately she has the top floor of the house to herself which meant going up three flights of stairs which seems simple until you realise that I’m not very good at keeping my hands off her, so it was a case of me always trying to touch and her swatting my hands away. Eventually we got into her room and we had a cuddle, by which I mean that I buried my face in her cleavage and found this so calming that I went completely dopey. The stroking and the little kisses didn’t help. S managed to get us onto the bed after some maneuvering, clothes came off, breasts were liberated and I had my first long suckle in months, during which I nearly fell asleep. This happens.

The next thing I know I get slapped and she says, “Oi, I need to be fucked” to which I wasn’t entirely responsive. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t my finest moment of sexual performance. The next thing I know my cock is getting hot and wet and I realised I’m getting a blow job and a pretty amazing one. That woke me up. I guided her to the edge of the bed and she knew what I wanted. She got on her knees and wrapped her breasts around my cock and they were so soft and warm and she was cooing at me like, “I know what you want, I’m going to give you everything and be so good to you” and that was like a trip wire.

I pushed her on her back, buried my face in her pussy and started licking. I love licking S because she’s very responsive and kind of dominant so she doesn’t just lay there like a fish, I know if I’m doing a good job or not. Plus there’s just something I love about having a face full of pussy, the wetness, the heat, the smell especially. Turns out that I wasn’t doing a good job, “Don’t lick me like a girl, I’ve been licked by girls for months, I need a man”. Dear reader, I was very not happy. So I pretty much threw her on the bed. She tried sitting up so I pushed her back down, I bit her inner thigh gently and then licked her clit like a wild thing, shoved my fingers right into her, everything. There was nothing gentle about it. Then I knew I was doing something right because she shut up and just grabbed my head and I could feel her body tensing and then relaxing, tensing, relaxing, and she started writhing.

By now I was ravenous. I flipped her over, she tried getting up again, I pushed her back down again and then realised that this, while enormously satisfying, was not going to work anatomically, so I ended up picking her back up again. The next, however long it lasted, was pretty rough: I pretty much just grabbed her shoulders and started slam fucking her.

I was like, “Is this what you want?” and she said nothing, which I always take as a good sign, so I asked her again and she still didn’t respond, so I slapped her arse and told her to answer me and I got a kind of “gyah” sound out of her. I got bored of doggy, flipped her over, put her legs over my shoulders and went in again, just as rough as before and she sort of just reached out to me briefly before just laying back and taking it. So I slapped her arse again and she totally came back to life. I put her legs down, we got into missionary and we were sort of back to being sort sensual because I was trying to pace myself. That lasted for a while until she suddenly said, “You can spunk on face if you want” “Do you want me to?” “Yes, spunk on my face” “I don’t think you want it” “Fucking spunk on my face” “You want it?” “I want it, give it to me” and this was all done rather aggressively and I totally lost control at this point and started fucking the shit out of her and then she growls at me “Call me a slut” so I called her a slut, she went into some patter about looking after me and then went quiet, her body tensed up, she started panting, gave one big grown and then relaxed and started telling me to spunk on her face……..so I did.

 

 

Carnage and Culture.

So I picked up Why the West Has Won: Carnage and Culture   which is a most excellent book. I find that the more books like this that I read the more certain I am that the whole social justice thing is bat shit insane and intellectually lazy. The West is culturally unique and culturally superior. I think, at this point, if you disagree with this statement you’re actually ignorant of other cultures. The moment anyone starts comparing cultures, in the way that Hanson contrasts Classical Greece with the Persian empire, the idea that the West isn’t superior completely breaks down. You can do the same with the modern West and say, China or India or Islam.

So when the social justice crazies start talking about institutional racism and such I start asking if we’re not comparing apples and oranges. The West is the way it is because of the culture of the West which is contained in individual Westerners and so I question if it’s entirely unexpected that migrants from other cultures don’t perform as well in the West. Even when we’re talking about black people, I ask if we should be entirely surprised that people who are from “black culture” don’t perform as well in Western culture as…well as…I suppose, Westerners.

If we want to talk about racism I think we first have to ensure that we’re starting from a point of cultural equality and I don’t think that we do that. This is, frankly, too difficult a discussion for most people. I find that talking about culture with Westerners is extraordinarily difficult because most Westerners think everyone on earth is a Westerner and so when you say, “Well, we’re a guilt based culture with an internal locus of control but this is actually rare among cultures generally” they have no idea what you’re on about. To them culture is food, music and dress and nothing deeper.

I find that when I talk about culture, therefore, the discussion goes nowhere. The left has no concept of culture and will insist on the equality of culture and one of the great things about this book is that it compares and contrasts cultures and then it says, essentially, “And you can’t dismiss this because the real world result of this is Western armies continually trashing non-Western armies”. Logically it therefore makes sense to ask if freedom of speech, individualism, rationality and open debate, etc allow Westerners to demolish non-Western armies over the past three millennia, why would we be surprised that these same cultural institutions allow Westerners to outcompete non-Westerners in all other areas of life?

This, I don’t think, is a question that’s really been asked and certainly not answered. It’s much easier to just say, “racism”. This is much lower information, you don’t have to survey millennia of history or ask difficult questions or do much thought and yet you’ll be lauded for it. You don’t even have to get to grips with cultural differences, in fact, thirteen year olds can do it on tumblr.

The other thing, of course, is that it requires people who are profoundly anti-Western to acknowledge that Westerners do things better, which is incredibly difficult. If you’ve been habitually and reflexively attacking white males then coming around to the idea that white males are where they are because they behave in certain ways and have certain values that give them a huge advantage, rather than there is some system that privileges them must, be nigh on impossible.

All things considered.

So after catching up on the sleep that I haven’t had for three days, sobering up, talking to people and giving it some thought I think that I was actually overreacting last night.

BM and I actually had a normal conversation, which is rare, I rocked into the pub because I was going to ask her out and also I had an hour to kill to find out if my mate wanted me to help him with something. She was feisty as anything, I walked in and she’s like, “Do you live here or something?” and I said that I was trying out the place and thinking of moving in. Then she told me about how they found a homeless guy living in the loft: apparently he’d sneak in every night about closing time and climb into the loft through the hatch in the gents toilets and basically she said that I could sleep there.

As a bit of context I’d been in for breakfast and she was working. “You do realise that this is AM?” was her greeting. She looked at my name badge thingy and said, “Department for Work and Pensions? God you’re boring”. I didn’t realise until I was talking to her that her voice, when she’s just talking rather than chucking out some barbed remark, is actually quite high pitched and feminine.

Later on when I came back in she served me and then she came the other side of the bar because her shift was over, this was about 3:30 and she’d been working since 6am. We got talking and it turned out that she hadn’t slept in three days and I hadn’t either and we were both buzzing because of it. I actually finished her sentence and her big round eyes shot open and she’s like, “Yess!”. Then she told me that it was hardly worth her going home because she was at work again at 6am and I suggested that she sleep in the loft! She laughed and I’m like, “I’ll get you a sleeping bag and you’ll be all set” and she’s like, “I may as well”. So in the last couple of weeks we’ve started actually having normalish conversations instead of just hurling abuse at each other or having flirtatious arguments or greeting each other by sticking our tongues out at each other.

Then I go and sit down to wait for my mate, and I’m reading my book. When I look up she’s at a table close to mine and there are literally six guys around her and you can see that she’s the centre of attention: they’re all hugging her whenever they can they’re all facing towards her and she’s drinking heavily: in the time it took me to drink two pints I think she’d had twice that plus a couple of jagerbombs. Of course eventually one of them succeeds in shoving the others out and he’s all over her and she’s hugging him back but her body is turned away from his and he just will not stop, he’s totally smothering her. By this time Jboy had arrived.

Luckily I didn’t react in any way, I just stayed calm, she had her back to me and every time she went past she smiled at me. Thing is that it was a different barman to the one she was touchy feely with last time so I think she’s just kind of touchy feely or just really loves the attention.

I talked to CM about it and she’s like, in a nutshell, “You’re over thinking this all, she’s drunk, tired, she probably won’t even remember it in the morning”. C said pretty much the same thing and I think when I talk to S she’ll probably concur also. Certainly the morning after I’m more positive and calmer about things. I think I’ll go in Tuesday, as normal and Thursday and Friday morning for breakfast, as normal. I’ll just carry on regardless. I think, having thought things over, that the reason she’s so playfully argumentative is that she’s constantly testing my confidence and also she feels comfortable doing it, isn’t that basically what flirting is? A way of testing out and sizing up someone? I think that maybe we’re moving beyond that to a point where we’re actually calmly talking.

CM says that I should take my time and build on this. Maybe I’ve been rushing into things, without actually doing anything, just because this has been going on for the best part of a year and I need to start measuring things in terms of how we actually are together. Maybe I can change things from a mutual testing via flirtation into a situation where I’m actually building a real connection though just talking to her and finding out how she is, taking her seriously. Thinking about it now if we’re going to sit across from each other at a table and talk maybe that’s better accomplished if we start from point where we usually talk?

I suppose seeing her with some guy all over her just brings up a lot of insecurities in me and dredges up a whole load of pain.

I hate to say it but I’m getting to a point where I want to care for her. When I see her carrying in a whole load of dirty plates and looking tired I want to take them off her and say, “I’ll do that, you go and sit down”and give her a kiss and a cuddle. I want her to bury her head in my shoulder as I kiss her forehead and I want her to feel cared for. This terrifies the shit out of me because I don’t want to feel something that isn’t reciprocated, and end up getting really hurt. Then again maybe we’re moving into a period where having serious conversations indicates that it’s a least partially mutual.