All things considered.

So after catching up on the sleep that I haven’t had for three days, sobering up, talking to people and giving it some thought I think that I was actually overreacting last night.

BM and I actually had a normal conversation, which is rare, I rocked into the pub because I was going to ask her out and also I had an hour to kill to find out if my mate wanted me to help him with something. She was feisty as anything, I walked in and she’s like, “Do you live here or something?” and I said that I was trying out the place and thinking of moving in. Then she told me about how they found a homeless guy living in the loft: apparently he’d sneak in every night about closing time and climb into the loft through the hatch in the gents toilets and basically she said that I could sleep there.

As a bit of context I’d been in for breakfast and she was working. “You do realise that this is AM?” was her greeting. She looked at my name badge thingy and said, “Department for Work and Pensions? God you’re boring”. I didn’t realise until I was talking to her that her voice, when she’s just talking rather than chucking out some barbed remark, is actually quite high pitched and feminine.

Later on when I came back in she served me and then she came the other side of the bar because her shift was over, this was about 3:30 and she’d been working since 6am. We got talking and it turned out that she hadn’t slept in three days and I hadn’t either and we were both buzzing because of it. I actually finished her sentence and her big round eyes shot open and she’s like, “Yess!”. Then she told me that it was hardly worth her going home because she was at work again at 6am and I suggested that she sleep in the loft! She laughed and I’m like, “I’ll get you a sleeping bag and you’ll be all set” and she’s like, “I may as well”. So in the last couple of weeks we’ve started actually having normalish conversations instead of just hurling abuse at each other or having flirtatious arguments or greeting each other by sticking our tongues out at each other.

Then I go and sit down to wait for my mate, and I’m reading my book. When I look up she’s at a table close to mine and there are literally six guys around her and you can see that she’s the centre of attention: they’re all hugging her whenever they can they’re all facing towards her and she’s drinking heavily: in the time it took me to drink two pints I think she’d had twice that plus a couple of jagerbombs. Of course eventually one of them succeeds in shoving the others out and he’s all over her and she’s hugging him back but her body is turned away from his and he just will not stop, he’s totally smothering her. By this time Jboy had arrived.

Luckily I didn’t react in any way, I just stayed calm, she had her back to me and every time she went past she smiled at me. Thing is that it was a different barman to the one she was touchy feely with last time so I think she’s just kind of touchy feely or just really loves the attention.

I talked to CM about it and she’s like, in a nutshell, “You’re over thinking this all, she’s drunk, tired, she probably won’t even remember it in the morning”. C said pretty much the same thing and I think when I talk to S she’ll probably concur also. Certainly the morning after I’m more positive and calmer about things. I think I’ll go in Tuesday, as normal and Thursday and Friday morning for breakfast, as normal. I’ll just carry on regardless. I think, having thought things over, that the reason she’s so playfully argumentative is that she’s constantly testing my confidence and also she feels comfortable doing it, isn’t that basically what flirting is? A way of testing out and sizing up someone? I think that maybe we’re moving beyond that to a point where we’re actually calmly talking.

CM says that I should take my time and build on this. Maybe I’ve been rushing into things, without actually doing anything, just because this has been going on for the best part of a year and I need to start measuring things in terms of how we actually are together. Maybe I can change things from a mutual testing via flirtation into a situation where I’m actually building a real connection though just talking to her and finding out how she is, taking her seriously. Thinking about it now if we’re going to sit across from each other at a table and talk maybe that’s better accomplished if we start from point where we usually talk?

I suppose seeing her with some guy all over her just brings up a lot of insecurities in me and dredges up a whole load of pain.

I hate to say it but I’m getting to a point where I want to care for her. When I see her carrying in a whole load of dirty plates and looking tired I want to take them off her and say, “I’ll do that, you go and sit down”and give her a kiss and a cuddle. I want her to bury her head in my shoulder as I kiss her forehead and I want her to feel cared for. This terrifies the shit out of me because I don’t want to feel something that isn’t reciprocated, and end up getting really hurt. Then again maybe we’re moving into a period where having serious conversations indicates that it’s a least partially mutual.



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