Well that went to shit.

When I left she was resting her head on this guy’s shoulder.

I have this situation in my head: I’m on a date and she asks about my previous relationships and I point out that there aren’t any and that, effectively, is the end of the date as she concludes that I’m a loser.

The consolation, the way I reassure myself about this, is to point out to myself that I’m never going to be on a date so this scenario won’t happen.

This actually makes me chuckle. My sense of humour is that fucked up.

There’s this thing in my life where I seem to have to see every woman I ever feel emotionally engaged with with some other guy and I remember one night ending up in this wooded area by my house totally numb and emotionally exhausted after watching Dakota slobber over some guy and I’m like, “Okay God, fine. Fine, obviously there’s a thing here where you build my hopes up and then you totally destroy them, but why? Okay, I’m going to be lonely and miserable forever, is this not enough? Like, what’s with the whole ,”Oh look, there’s the girl that you really like with someone else!” thing? Like, I don’t really think that I deserve that, not repeatedly. Like, there are  men out there who will smack the fuck out of the women that they’re with and, apparently, I’m less attractive than they are. Why have you done this to me? What could I have possibly done to deserve this? Like, weren’t the years of bullying enough? Isn’t the whole bipolar thing enough? ”

Like, I see these heroin addicts with three teeth on Jeremy Kyle and there are three women arguing over him and I’m like, “That guy is more attractive than I am”. If our metric is stable long term relationships, this guy is kicking my ass.

And then occasionally, well quite frequently given my absurdist stance on life, my understandably absurdist stance on life, I feel, I’m like, “Well, actually, it’s not you, is it? Like, rationally……you develop feelings for people, you don’t feel a need to control them, you have all these female friends only one of which you’ve been violent towards, but that did get her through 5th kyu, you are the archetypal “defender of women” quite alpha male and confident, you end up in bed with random women……….Rationally, it’s not you, is it?”

I can feel myself shutting down. It’s just going to be like this forever. Nothing changes but my capacity to take it.

I suppose I’ll overcome this.

Rough day. I’ll be alright in the morning.

Food, sleep.

Now that I’m shut down and thinking it might not be all that bad. I’ll write it up tomorrow or sunday and try and clarify things in my skull.

You know what strikes me, thinking about things in an overview sense? Nothing ever goes wrong from a neutral, equilibrium point. It’s only when I’m optimistic that things go to shit.

I was going to ask her out again today.


One thought on “BM2

  1. I spent the last six years being rejected and rejected by the people I fell for, and in the end I was convinced it must be me, even though rationally my brain said I wasn’t all that completely bad. To the point where I’d just end up asking these men what was wrong with me, why I was so undateable to them. I must have looked completely autistic because it isn’t societally acceptable to ask people flat out “why not me, exactly?”, but I’m not autistic – I was just tired of bullshit and flannel, and curious to know if it was me, just gathering empirical evidence to see if a change was actually required.
    I’m not going to say “have faith” or “Miss Right is out there” or the usual comforting but totally meaningless nonsense: it sucks being rejected, it sucks seeing people you like with other people – really fucking sucks. For me, asking outright blunt questions helped me to eventually move on, however masochistic it felt at the time, and it actually amused me to put these men who dangled me around in such an awkward position. Heheh.

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