Application done. Online test done. Went for a drink with Jboy after work since I was feeling anxious and needed to chill. Definitely a day that reminds me that I have a disability, which sucks. At this stage I do wonder if things are actually going to work out, because I think they really are. Weird feeling.

Totally exhausted by the way, only got about five hours last night and I was in the office for seven hours which doesn’t sound much to normal people but it nigh on kills me sometimes. I know I’m pushing myself a bit too hard with everything but if it all works out I’m going to be laughing this time next year.

I can feel the hypomania kicking in.

I’ll still go for the MoD job……. It’s not much less money and it requires security clearance which might come in useful when I get to where I’m going, plus career progression is really good, which also might come in useful.

Did I mention that I’m a megalomaniac?


I feel like I’m really changing, really growing. Everything I’ve learned up to now is now coming to fruition. I’m reaching the end of something and the start of something else. I suppose that whole period of my life that was centred on depression, from when I was 13 to the breakdown at 26 is now run it’s course. I’ve overcome that and I’m ready to really get started on life and my natural positivity, natural confidence and optimism, natural aggression and determination is coming through and it’s going to take me far.

2017 is going to be awesome.




So this internship thing was meant to be eight weeks and yesterday was meant to be my last day. I got in at 10:30 since no one really cares when I come and when I go and I went to see my boss who talked about making sure that my keycard and smart card were handed in and about jobs coming up in March. That done I sauntered back upstairs to the desk that I’ve more or less claimed and I was talking with the guy I usually work under.

“How do you feel about it being your last day?” “If I’m honest, not too happy, I really like it here, if I could I’d do another eight weeks”. Then just before lunch I was working on something and he and my boss suddenly appeared at my desk. There was a conspiratorial air and for a few moments I looked at one and then the other gauging if their slight smiles meant what they obviously meant. Eventually I broke the silence “What?”

“How would you feel about extending your internship?” “Pretty damn good actually” Then there was a brief discussion about the technicalities of it. The pair of them looked at each other like two men plotting something devious. “Come in next week as normal, I’ll see about having you shadow someone”. Shadowing people is generally not done since customer details are not for the eyes of plebs like me, so I suspect that the realisation has dawned on them, as it did on me, that if there are jobs coming up and there is someone enthusiastic enough to want to stick around and who has slotted into the team rather well, and has a reputation for working hard that it makes sense to train that person up and slip them into a job when they come up.

So I’m quite optimistic about the future. I’m still going for this MoD job but I feel like I have a bit of a safety net under me which is good because I need the extra money if I’m serious about going to Paris with Dakota, which I am. Actually I think the pay is actually higher on this job than at the MoD, I’m not sure, and it takes me literally twelve minutes to get from the office to my home.

In other news C still isn’t talking to me.

I’m missing S, I spent about three weeks with her more or less over Xmas and new year and into January and we hadn’t seen each other for months before that so it was a huge catch up session basically. I always forget how calming she can be sometimes. When she’s wild she’s wild, and when we argue it’s like a howling storm, but a lot of the time she’s like a cool still mountain pond. She never lets me say anything negative, even in jest. I have this real sense of being looked after when I’m around her, she’s a little ball of positivity.




My life.

“Have you been for lunch yet?”

“Not yet, just let me finish this up. I’ll be about ten minutes”


“Yeah, yeah, ten minutes”

“NOW!” *stern look*

*goes for lunch*

I always end up getting mothered by older women.


I love telling my American friends about what I was taught in the cadets. It’s so amazing how a country where you can buy an AR-15 doesn’t teach its teenagers the finer points of  nuclear, chemical and biological warfare, small unit tactics, and fieldcraft.



Thus when we in America speak of that paradox “multiculturalism,” we Classicists must be honest, even if brutally so, and say that we are enriched by different foods, music, art, literature and language – satellite experiences around our unchanging Western center. Even the most rigid defenders of the West have always acknowledged that other cultures offer aesthetically impressive, moving expressions of the human condition. A Chinese poem, an African play, a novel from the Punjab, or American Indian chants can invoke human emotion and reveal the tragedy of man every bit as passionately and accurately as Sophocles or Virgil.
But not one of the multiculturalist Classicists (despite the flashy rhetoric) really wishes to adulterate our Greek core so as to live under indigenous pre-Columbian ideas of government, Haitian religious practice, Arabic protocols for female behaviour, Chinese canons of medical ethics, Islamic traditions of church and state, African approaches to science, Japanese ideas of race, Indian social castes, or Native American notions of private property.
Intercontinental immigration is largely a one way affair. Few Westerners, even the most vociferous critics, flee the structures of their government, law, economy, and culture for pristine paradises beyond the borders where the Greeks’ legacy has no sway. The world, past and present, has always voted with its feet, and the only check on the great migration toward the West has been for other cultures to reinvent themselves in its image.”

Victor Davis Hanson and John Heath, Who Killed Homer? The Demise of Classical Education and the Recovery of Greek Wisdom. 




So my brother has been with us for a few days and I hate to say it but the guy has hardly ever done Aikido in his life and he has more actual Aiki than me. That said he’s worked more on developing Aiki than I have, although I do have my moments.

Quite frustrating.

Paris and the future.

I’m keeping myself grounded over all this. It might not happen for a start and if it does happen then we might just mooch around museums for a couple of days with nothing of a romantic or sexual nature happening. I know this, I’m not stupid. Life has, apparently, taught me patience and cynicism and that having hopes and dreams means seeing those hopes dashed against the rocks like a dingy in a tsunami.

That said, even if we simply go there and see museums I regard it as a huge step forward. Me, the woman who I regard as the most beautiful in the world, in the city which is notionally the most beautiful in the world. What could be better?

Of course I let myself dream now and then. Standing on top of the Eiffel tower, at night, there’s a chill in the air. I take her in my arms and I say, “I’m with you, the most beautiful woman in the world, in the most beautiful city, looking over the most beautiful view and if I don’t kiss you right now I feel like I’ll die”. Then we kiss and we cuddle up to each other and just look over Paris.

Life’s so good at the moment and it’s only getting better.I have total confidence in myself and the future. I feel permanently hypomanic. Things I used to worry about I no longer worry about, I look forward to problems as challenges, I embrace the struggle as an opportunity to grow, I look to the future and I set goals.

I look at this situation and I try not to go into it with preconceived notions as to its outcome. It’s a step forward, how big of a step forward or where it leads I naturally have hopes for, but I try not to let the hopes become expectations. I want to see where I am on the other side of it. Maybe where we are on the other side of it. It’s giving me something to aim for, a goal to achieve since logistically I’m not ready to go traveling. I need the money, I need to plan it all out and for a bipolar nut like me still kind of recovering from a breakdown traveling is a huge step.

Like, I might go to Munich because there’s someone there to meet me at the airport and my accommodation is sorted and I have someone who speaks the language with me and if push comes to shove there are friends a couple of hundred miles away that will come and get me. I suppose they’re just as close to Paris as they are to Munich now that I think on it but anyway. Traveling somewhere else makes me incredibly nervous. I don’t even like getting on busses because I worry about getting on the wrong one. The idea of going through an airport on my own terrifies me but this is the challenge, this is the thing to be overcome. This is the next step.