Theme of the post.
So a friend of mine, female, asks why I haven’t signed up on fetlife and I was like, “There’s no point, I’m male”. If I had to rate myself I’d put myself as that guy on the bottom. Not that I’m unattractive physically it’s just that somehow things never work out for me. I actually think that avoiding online dating is a good idea if you’re male because coming out of it with your self-esteem intact is really difficult. C, before we stopped talking, would say that I was attractive and I would respond with, “I do not attract, ergo I am not attractive”. I say the same thing to S.
I look at guys with humongous girlfriends or those guys that you see on Jeremy Kyle and I’m like “Those guys have got something I haven’t”. It’s not even money although I wonder if the whole Dakota thing isn’t because of the prospect of my income dramatically increasing. One tries not to be cynical………but one is cynical.
So one is hypomanic and hypersexual and so one went onto a dodgy site and placed an ad. The success rate of this is probably best measures in the tens of one percent but I got a reply, from a woman, close by……which three weeks later has lead to nothing.
You know I’ve realised something doing this internship: I’ve never really considered myself an adult and a lot of that is due to never being in a serious relationship or having regular sex. It’s always been a bit of a novelty, something I’ve had to work my arse off to get and never really on a regular basis.
I’ve never really had an adult relationship with a woman or the demands that places on a man. I think that if you’re a guy and you figure out that you’re not all that attractive it’s really easy to take life really easy. You don’t need a car, a career, you don’t need to man up because there’s no real reason to, it takes up a lot of time and effort that you could be spending doing what you actually want.
It’s like women and cake: If you’re attractive you can’t eat cake because you’ll get fat. If you’re unattractive you can eat all the cake you want because it makes no difference. If you’re a guy and you’re unattractive it’s similarly liberating. There are no standards to try and meet, no one’s approval to worry about and this is not a good thing because you let everything go to shit.
Lord knows where I’d be without S…..dead probably. I’m sure my increasing babyishness and general desire to be looked after is down purely to the fact that I’ve just never got enough affection. If you’re hungry and you don’t eat, you just get hungrier and whereas a burger would have done before, now you’re dreaming up seven course meals.
I feel like such a loser sometimes, like a really sad, pathetic creature. Then other times I sort of go into a passive aggressive kind of malaise “it is what it is” you lost the game before it even started, why worry about it?
Protip, don’t get bipolar disorder, it really fucks your life up.