Want cuddles. Lot’s of cuddles. Insomnia. Need sleep.

Apparently on Friday night, while out drinking with my mate from Aikido an ex-bouncer who knows all the bouncers around here, a group of five guys wanted to fight us and I was more than up for it. Fortunately for all concerned the bouncers informed said group of guys that this was not a wise decision and they fucked off.

I have a huge craving for Chicken McNuggets. Listening to Ringworld. 



So -2 is about where my mood is at the moment. I had a bit of a knock on Friday and I think it’s actually hit me harder than I thought it did. I’ve not been feeling as full of pep as I was anyway.

Now I just feel mildly fed up of it all. There’s a disconnect between the amount of effort that I’m putting in and the results that I’m getting out of it. Normally, rational me would be wondering if I need to be finding ways of working smarter but it seems like I’m doing all the right things and getting nowhere.

Last week I had a seriously good opportunity pretty much just fall into my lap and I couldn’t take it up because of some bureaucratic mess about who funds what. So a little crisis of confidence is going on. Ish. I would state it that I’m aware that it’s not entirely impossible that things might not work out.

The only bright spot is how supportive everyone is at work. They’re pretty much bending over backwards for me and doing a fair bit of rule bending, I really can’t fault them and I seem to have acquired a reputation as a very hard worker. I’m not sure who she is in the grand scheme of things, she must be fairly senior, anyway we’d not been introduced and she came and sat in on one of the group sessions and then afterwards she asked me what I did there. So I went through my weekly routine and told her everything that I did and I’m not exaggerating, but for the final two hours that we were in the office she must have thanked me a dozen times and that’s normal.

Everyone in the place is always dumping praise on me to the point where it’s pretty much routine to be called invaluable and have my praises sung. It’s a bit discomforting actually, but I’m sort of wondering if they don’t mean it because what I do takes a day or a day and a half depending, and if I didn’t do it that means that someone else, whose primary job is dealing with customers and all that kind of admin, would have to do it and they haven’t got time. It’s a real “For want of a nail” situation; what I do is trivial in some senses, I’m pretty sure an orangutan could do it, but if it doesn’t get done the whole machine grinds to a halt.

The other thing is that I’m feeling quite lonely. Partly this is a continuation of missing S and partly it’s that I’m feeling shit and can’t get a decent cuddle. Looking back over my last few posts I can see myself slipping into depression, my self esteem is definitely taking a knock. I had a panic attack last week when I went to see Trainspotting with C which is often a depression thing and I’m getting horribly introspective, even by my standards of horrible introspection.I just want to snuggle up to Dakota or S and fall asleep. It’s the affection and the emotional intimacy that I’m really craving.

Meh. I’ll get through it.




Theme of the post.

So a friend of mine, female, asks why I haven’t signed up on fetlife and I was like, “There’s no point, I’m male”. If I had to rate myself I’d put myself as that guy on the bottom. Not that I’m unattractive physically it’s just that somehow things never work out for me. I actually think that avoiding online dating is a good idea if you’re male because coming out of it with your self-esteem intact is really difficult. C, before we stopped talking, would say that I was attractive and I would respond with, “I do not attract, ergo I am not attractive”. I say the same thing to S.

I look at guys with humongous girlfriends or those guys that you see on Jeremy Kyle and I’m like “Those guys have got something I haven’t”. It’s not even money although I wonder if the whole Dakota thing isn’t because of the prospect of my income dramatically increasing. One tries not to be cynical………but one is cynical.

So one is hypomanic and hypersexual and so one went onto a dodgy site and placed an ad. The success rate of this is probably best measures in the tens of one percent but I got a reply, from a woman, close by……which three weeks later has lead to nothing.

You know I’ve realised something doing this internship: I’ve never really considered myself an adult and a lot of that is due to never being in a serious relationship or having regular sex. It’s always been a bit of a novelty, something I’ve had to work my arse off to get and never really on a regular basis.

I’ve never really had an adult relationship with a woman or the demands that places on a man. I think that if you’re a guy and you figure out that you’re not all that attractive it’s really easy to take life really easy. You don’t need a car, a career, you don’t need to man up because there’s no real reason to, it takes up a lot of time and effort that you could be spending doing what you actually want.

It’s like women and cake: If you’re attractive you can’t eat cake because you’ll get fat. If you’re unattractive you can eat all the cake you want because it makes no difference. If you’re a guy and you’re unattractive it’s similarly liberating. There are no standards to try and meet, no one’s approval to worry about and this is not a good thing because you let everything go to shit.

Lord knows where I’d be without S…..dead probably. I’m sure my increasing babyishness and general desire to be looked after is down purely to the fact that I’ve just never got enough affection. If you’re hungry and you don’t eat, you just get hungrier and whereas a burger would have done before, now you’re dreaming up seven course meals.

I feel like such a loser sometimes, like a really sad, pathetic creature. Then other times I sort of go into a passive aggressive kind of malaise “it is what it is” you lost the game before it even started, why worry about it?

Protip, don’t get bipolar disorder, it really fucks your life up.


Curious: The more things that happen the less I feel that I have to blog about. That said there is a sort of stability to my life at the moment. Or a new stability, my life is always fairly stable. Actually that’s probably the problem at the moment, if I have any, I’m expecting things to happen in the future and so it feels like nothing is happening now.

Things with BM are stable. Things with Dakota are, by the glacial standards of how we are, perhaps not so stable? I don’t know. We chat about films. Things with C are better in that we’re sort of talking, just “How are you?” chitchat but that’s better than nothing. S and I have fallen into our usual comfortable silence.

That said, I’m missing S and I keep replaying this incident in my mind where I was suffering from insomnia and ended up on the day bed in the conservatory, as usual. In theory she makes lunch and then I make dinner but in practice we sort of both do both together, it’s worryingly couply but whatever. So I was laying there half asleep and was going to get up and sort of help with lunch and basically she told me not to get up and then stroked my face until I fell asleep. When I woke up she was putting lunch on the table and I felt really rather cared for.

But yeah, stasis.

Everytime I go into the office I get asked if anything new has happened and it hasn’t. So time seems to be going by rather slowly. Xmas feels like about two years ago. That said my role there is being expanded, I’m shadowing more people and being asked to do more stuff. I’m actually planning on going in tomorrow for two hours or so just to get some stuff done that I was too tired to do on Friday.

In book news I’m reading The Invention of Science: A New History of the Scientific Revolution. I highly recommend this book, it is most awesome although the opening chapter is basically a rather annoying bit of housekeeping where the relativist language games are put to bed, which is interesting because it defines terms and makes preliminary arguments but is also quite boring because dealing with relativists just is boring. “You can’t say that other cultures are less scientific than the West”…….Yeah we can – where’s your culture’s moon rocket?

I finally got through The Grand Strategy of Classical Sparta which is a good book, but, if you’re expecting to learn much about Sparta and you’re fairly up to speed about Athenian history isn’t all that fascinating. The book talks more about Themistocles than it does about any Spartan figure.

Anyway, yeah, so. Whatever.