-2

So -2 is about where my mood is at the moment. I had a bit of a knock on Friday and I think it’s actually hit me harder than I thought it did. I’ve not been feeling as full of pep as I was anyway.

Now I just feel mildly fed up of it all. There’s a disconnect between the amount of effort that I’m putting in and the results that I’m getting out of it. Normally, rational me would be wondering if I need to be finding ways of working smarter but it seems like I’m doing all the right things and getting nowhere.

Last week I had a seriously good opportunity pretty much just fall into my lap and I couldn’t take it up because of some bureaucratic mess about who funds what. So a little crisis of confidence is going on. Ish. I would state it that I’m aware that it’s not entirely impossible that things might not work out.

The only bright spot is how supportive everyone is at work. They’re pretty much bending over backwards for me and doing a fair bit of rule bending, I really can’t fault them and I seem to have acquired a reputation as a very hard worker. I’m not sure who she is in the grand scheme of things, she must be fairly senior, anyway we’d not been introduced and she came and sat in on one of the group sessions and then afterwards she asked me what I did there. So I went through my weekly routine and told her everything that I did and I’m not exaggerating, but for the final two hours that we were in the office she must have thanked me a dozen times and that’s normal.

Everyone in the place is always dumping praise on me to the point where it’s pretty much routine to be called invaluable and have my praises sung. It’s a bit discomforting actually, but I’m sort of wondering if they don’t mean it because what I do takes a day or a day and a half depending, and if I didn’t do it that means that someone else, whose primary job is dealing with customers and all that kind of admin, would have to do it and they haven’t got time. It’s a real “For want of a nail” situation; what I do is trivial in some senses, I’m pretty sure an orangutan could do it, but if it doesn’t get done the whole machine grinds to a halt.

The other thing is that I’m feeling quite lonely. Partly this is a continuation of missing S and partly it’s that I’m feeling shit and can’t get a decent cuddle. Looking back over my last few posts I can see myself slipping into depression, my self esteem is definitely taking a knock. I had a panic attack last week when I went to see Trainspotting with C which is often a depression thing and I’m getting horribly introspective, even by my standards of horrible introspection.I just want to snuggle up to Dakota or S and fall asleep. It’s the affection and the emotional intimacy that I’m really craving.

Meh. I’ll get through it.

 

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