This week.

So the date/coffee didn’t happen. I was so shocked that I went for curry with C which I had already lined up in preparation. D sent me a message a couple of days later apologising and asking for a “rain check” but I’m sort of feeling that I’m glad that we didn’t meet and if I’m really quite honest I’ve had my fill of noncommunicative women. She didn’t even read the message I sent in reply to that, which I read nothing into because my experience of women is that they’re just shit at reading their messages and even worse at responding. Even close female friends are like this.

I feel a certain ennui surrounding women. “Effort” and “disappointment” are two words I would strongly associate with them. I think that I have some kind of emotional fatigue when it comes to them. Hence things with BM drag on. It’s one thing to flirt with her week in, week out, it’s another to face the grinding effort without much hope of any positive return if I ask her out.

Also for the price of a date I can buy a really good bottle of whisky, like an 18 year Talisker which so far is more enjoyable than any date I’ve been on and has more complexity than any woman I’ve been on a date with. Dakota is the other end of the spectrum: entirely too complex although more responsive than usual.

In other news I started taking vitamin C tablets with zinc, again, and it’s having the same effect on me as it did last time. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that my testosterone levels have gone up; I’ve been feeling more……aggressive and definitely more sexual. I feel more like myself.

At work there is some interesting news. I’m not sure how much I’m actually allowed to talk about publicly except that I will say that cancelling things without the boss’s permission and then attempting to hide this fact from them is a really bad idea. This is an especially bad idea when a large number of people are coming in for a presentation, because no one told them it was cancelled, and the boss thinks that they now have to rush around doing the prep that should take a day in a couple of hours. Also throw in that the boss’s boss was in the office………

Needless to say that the guy that says to the boss, “This isn’t really a problem, I did all the prep anyway, so we’re all good to go” is a guy who is in the boss’s good books and the phrase, “recognition and commendation” is used of this guy. Go me.

I find it curious how much praise I get at work. “Professional” “on the ball” “hardworking” aren’t really terms I would automatically associate with myself but they’re terms which superiors use when talking to me and others about me so I accept them.

So I expect an interesting week ahead.




So I was walking home last Thursday and I got nabbed by a charity mugger. A small, female ball of energy who was entirely too engaging. Hugging ensued. Then yesterday I went into town and seconds after leaving the train station I hear my name screamed at me from out of the crowd and sure enough, it’s her.

Let’s call her D. D and I ended up chatting, so I asked her out for coffee, which is happening tomorrow.


I am feeling quite lonely though. I’m missing S and her affection and things with Dakota are not going at the pace I would like and blah blah blah. I want a cuddle. I actually want cuddles more than I want sex, albeit naked cuddles. There’s something about being snuggled up to S, with her legs wrapped around me, little kisses on my forehead, the warmth and softness of her skin on mine. The sense of peace and of being cared for.

The older I get the more I crave this feeling of being cared for, looked after, protected even. This is why I like strong women, I like women who can give me a sense of security which I know is the inverse of how things are meant to work, but whatever.


Wine and hypomania…..hmmm. We are here.  We have set condition 1SQ for strategic missile launch and the use of nuclear weapons has been authorised.

Apparently I, of all people, am professional and hard working. Actually over the past couple of years I’ve surprised myself. Well, maybe not surprised myself. What is it when you realise that you could do what you always suspected and were told that you could? The past couple of months have been amazing.

S says that I play life in the same way that I play RTS games and now I’ve finished turtling and I’m starting the breakout and what comes next is the fast paced, aggressive assault. Feels like that some days. I’m growing, learning, pushing, always ready for the next challenge. My horizons are limitless, my self-belief is total, my energy boundless. I can be stalled but not stopped.



I find that the more I do the less I feel the need to blog and I’m so busy at the moment. Mental health wise I’m okay, a touch of insomnia but nothing serious. I think that part of this is the warm sunny weather that we’ve been having which often leaves me hypomanically blissed. Give me a coffee or a G&T and a world to watch go by and essentially I’m happy.


So Tuesday night drinking happened. I looked through the window as we were entering the pub and there was BM’s arse in her usual stripey dress wandering into the kitchen area. We got some drinks and settled down and then I noticed her delivering drinks to various tables which is most unusual. Then we spotted that there was a drinks ordering app.

Naturally we took advantage of this and so out she comes carrying our drinks, scanning around, looking for the table until she spots us grinning away. She smiles, shakes her head, calls us lazy and tells us that if we use the app again she won’t bring the drinks over, she’ll just leave them on the side. So we use the app again only we put in the table next to us so that she doesn’t realise that it us. Out she comes again, realises that it’s us and turns around and puts the drinks on the side by the hatch!