Jordan Peterson.

If you have not heard of Dr Jordan Peterson then here he is and you need to check him out because he’s probably the saviour of the West.

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Wimin.

Women are so perplexing. M ignores me a good eighty percent of the time. So today I had cause to go into the shop where she manages and she was as warm and friendly as ever, we had a really good chat and went for a meal but you can guarantee that she’ll ignore me again now for however long.

This is actually pretty normal behavior from women, I find. Women on the whole are shit communicators. Whether it be random women that you have to email for work reasons or very good friends getting a response from a woman to any kind of digital communication seems to be a real struggle. Often I think that they just don’t want to talk to me but I’ve sort of come to see it as women don’t really understand that there’s a person messaging them, it’s just that their phone makes weird beeping sounds.

Like S: Will quite happily have sex with me, lets me cum all over her, blah, blah, blah. Can I get her to message me back consistently? No. She goes from being gentle and tender, intimately concerned with my emotional well being, affectionate, willing to do virtually anything to make me feel good to totally ignoring me for weeks on end.

Dakota is the sameish: When we’re alone together she opens up and we talk, we talk about going to Paris, and intimate stuff and then the moment I’m out of eyesight she ignores me……….and all our mutual friends. It’s fucking annoying.

The joke about M is that if I came onto her there’s a good chance we would be having sex right now. I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t, actually.

It gets to be quite……….annoying.

Update

So on monday I called up the surgery, my usual GP wasn’t in so I decided that I’d just go and see any doctor. During the consultation it was established that I have the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder; a shocking revelation for someone with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I wanted medication, specifically I wanted ritalin because there is literature to support its use with bipolar disorder and it’ll help me concentrate and focus. Instead what happened is I got referred to my community mental health team. Personally I think that this is a bit OTT, but whatever. They called on Tuesday and basically gave me the choice of a talking therapy or an assessment with a psychiatrist, which could lead to a talking therapy. On advice I chose to go for the assessment. I have no idea when this will be. I think maybe that because it’s been so long since I was under medical supervision that they want to drag me in and see where I am. Where I am, all in all, is a pretty good place.

At the moment my only real symptoms are that I’m exhausted all the time, I’m a bit subdued and I don’t enjoy anything or am able to motivate myself to do anything. That said, I did have a real moment at work today where I almost broke down. I sat there with my head in my hands and just stared out of the window for a good ten minutes crushed by what I can only describe as a wave of hopelessness. I nearly cried. Then it passed and I cracked on.

Oh and at lunch today I decided to actually just sit in Starbucks and read. Usually I grab a sandwich and a coffee and head back to the office, but I felt the need to be out. I’m reading The Fall by Camus. Reading Camus is very much a depression thing I think. Reading serious fiction, as opposed to sci-fi is a depression thing actually: I think something about being depressed and introspective makes me want to read fiction as a way of exploring alternative perspectives on life. Or something.

Soft

Actually I’m getting quite………. Generally when I feel the need for a long suckle I think of S but increasingly I think of Dakota like that too.

The breast fetish thing is something I’m still not entirely comfortable with. It’s a side of me which I don’t always like. On one hand I’m a professional, confident, quite testosterone driven male but then this other side is border line babyish, if not actually babyish. C says that I’m like a six month old that hasn’t been properly weaned. It feels weak and vulnerable and I don’t like that.

God, I want to cuddle up to Dakota and suckle her nipples though.  This is quite….. Most women I just want to fuck, even BM. BM has huge boobs but I’m sort of so so on the suckling thing with her. W I want to fuck, out and out fuck. Dakota though, it’s like a physical need, it’s like hunger combined with a deep emotional need, it’s beyond sexual, way beyond. It’s some kind of deep seated emotional need. Which is why I feel vulnerable about it.

Tired. More later.

 

Update

Meh.

What can I say? I have a touch of depression. I don’t enjoy life right now. I’m not even enjoying going out drinking and everything feels hopeless. I just want to sleep all of the time and I’ve spent basically as much time as I can in bed. Rationally I know that everything in my life is at least no worse than it has been recently so I try and constantly check my moods with a bit of rational thinking, but you feel how you feel at the end of the day.

Also I’ve started using the I-ching again. Yes, I know, divination is bullshit. At least I think I know. I find it remarkably accurate but then I suppose the entire point of it is that you can read into it whatever you like. It’s unrelentingly positive about Dakota and things that it says will end badly end badly and things that it says will end well end well. It’s a crutch at a difficult time. Then again if it’s random chance what is the statistical likelihood of a positive result every single time?

I just have this profound ennui. I’ve started reading fiction, which is semi-rare. I’m reading Tropic of Cancer and I suppose I just feel trapped and bored. I long for something a bit more bohemian in my life. I want to take Dakota to Paris, sit in a bar and listen to jazz and just talk and talk and talk. I feel the need to write too, but I’m not inspired so I don’t know what to write about.

Actually, I’m just restless.

Meh.