The other thing that’s on my mind is this kind of loneliness. To say that I’ve been missing and pining for Dakota would be an understatement. I’m missing S too. I’ve managed not to do anything stupid while looking for sex, which is a huge achievement, but that leaves me quite conscious that I’m not having sex and I’m quite alone. I’m a human being: I need physical affection and encouragement and someone to listen to my problems and at the moment I basically don’t have much of that.

There are only a few people I can talk to the Dakota situation about, I can’t talk to C about it otherwise she’ll ignore me for months again, I can’t talk to Jboy about it on the basis that  judging by Dakota’s behavior he’s not supposed to know about the Paris thing; S is as noncommunicative as Dakota at the moment.

It’s even got to the point where I struggle to watch porn: it feels like the universe laughing in my face. Here’s me wanting something that I apparently can’t have and watching other people having it just makes me miserable. I’m fed up of preparing for some future that never becomes present. The working for things never seems to result in getting those things.

I’m slightly narked because C is doing this whole, “Come away with me and I’ll give you a bj” thing and I think that we both know that this isn’t going to happen so it just feels like teasing. Like, give or don’t give don’t make promises. I’m not even sure that I want it anymore. I feel like I’m in a transitional state where I’m actually learning to control myself and only go for things that I want.

Like with W, I could go to hers and have sex with her. I could do this, and not so long ago I would have done, but if the truth be told I’m not actually attracted to her and I don’t think that it would end well if I actually had sex with her, so I’m avoiding that.  This is amazingly mature for me. Kinda. I’m not sure if the calculation that it will be yet more sex that I don’t enjoy with someone I’m not actually into is maturity. I don’t want to be in a relationship with C and I don’t want to go down that kind of a path with her, even if I do have trouble keeping my hands to myself when she’s in my room. That is a definite lack of maturity and something that I need to work on.

So anyway I have this horrible feeling that I’m deeply unattractive and could be alone forever.

I need to get back into training. I need to find that thing which shuts down self-doubt and allows me to charge in against guys twice my size.

On my shodan grading there was a moment where I was doing three man attack and I threw one guy and I turned to face the other two and time almost stopped. I can see them moving in and I know that I’m going to step to the right of the right hand guy so that he blocks the third guy but I have to move at the right moment. I remember being totally calm, totally centred, totally aware of everything around me and just waiting and waiting and waiting for what felt like minutes and then I just stepped.

I need that back. I find it now and then during the day, like a flickering light bulb in the dark. It feels amazing. I swear on my shodan when R was taking ukemi for me I was totally committed, I wasn’t holding anything back, it was 99.9% a real fight. I was there making kiai and it wasn’t anything affected it was just pouring out of me. I want that again.



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