Birthday blues.

So I realised today that I’m going into my pre-birthday funk. It’s not that I mind getting old, I don’t, it’s just that at this time of year my life is thrown into sharp relief. Kudos to myself: compared to where I was 12 months ago I’ve made a lot of progress and things are looking very positive for me at the moment. Literally I am looking at a situation where in a couple of months I could have 20K pure spending money, maybe more, so I’m thinking a lot about traveling. For one thing there I have plenty of foreign female friends who will jump into bed with me ten minutes after I arrive from the airport which is a strong incentive to get on a plane. Visiting S is high on the priority list for just that reason.

I’m also conscious that I can do a lot of damage to myself with this much money.

Effectively I’ve stopped masturbating as in I’ve cum once in the past two weeks which is unusual for me in that I’m pretty much a compulsive masturbator, especially with a touch of mania. This has led to erections at inconvenient times but not much else. I feel more assertive, more serious, I emote less, I feel more masculine, more alert and focused, more dominant, but I don’t know if this is directly related. Most curiously I feel like I’ve actually become less interested in sex; I don’t seem to think about it as much; my usually perverse little mind isn’t quite so perverse. I don’t find myself eyeing up women all that much. I suppose that I feel less sexual towards women, but more dominant. Maybe it’s just making me grouchy? I think I also feel more confident, I’m less inclined to take shit.

So I’m aware of the pre-birthday funk but I’m also aware that I feel a lot more centred than I usually do. Curious.

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