It’s August bank holiday here. I was peacefully in the land of Nod when my phone goes off and it’s Jboy calling me. Dakota is in town and is only free today. Fifteen minutes later I’d ironed and shirt, showered and got dressed. Half an hour later I was sitting by her.

I hate myself for this in a mild kind of way. I hate that she can have this power over me which turns me into this adolescent simpering wreck. I hate that I can chase other women with sincerity and yet the moment I see a FB post or get a message from her or hear that she’s back everything immediately becomes about her on reflex. I hate the way I melt when I’m with her.

Everything hits me at once: I want to rip her clothes off and ravish her, I want to make gentle love to her slowly and passionately and I want to bury my face in her cleavage, have her wrap herself around me, and suckle on her nipples as she kisses my forehead and strokes my back until I fall asleep. As if that wasn’t enough I want to look after her and be looked after by her, urges both platonic and pornographic flood my psyche.

The thing I find most interesting about this, though, is that we both have similar jobs at the moment so we can talk shop for hours and I’m very right-wing and she’s very left-wing and she’ll chide me about that and I tell her how I want to switch to a new job, partly because I don’t see myself as the right kind of person to be doing this job and then she chides me for that too. I ended up asking her about that and she said that she totally understood me wanting to get out and I kind of realised that she was just kind of shit testing me.

I just find it weird that we’ve ended up in this situation where we can talk shop, where we have that in common. I suppose that I find most of my life weird at the moment, things ending up where I least expect, things not working out how I want only to work out better, not really feeling in control of any of it, and not being afraid of that.

I have this birthday card that my parents gave me years ago: Zen Dog and I feel like it sums up my life. I have an idea of what I’m doing but the currents take me where they will. When I’m with her, though, I at least have a sense of why I’m doing things, I’m doing them partly because I hope that it’ll give me a shot with her.

Weird weekend.



Annoyingly I am missing Dakota and my thoughts are dominated by snuggling up to her and sucking her nipples.

Woe. Is. Me.

On the bright side I’m on track to be on 30k with no bills by the end of next month…….


Something’s bugging me and I can’t quite verbalise it or fully conceptualise it. On one hand everything is going stupidly well and…………..and………………materially I’m going to be better off than ever and on path to material prosperity and social status ra ra ra. But.

But there’s this part of me that’s like, “This really isn’t you” and I keep interrogating this little voice and I feel like it’s not giving me any answers but somehow it feels right.  I keep thinking about S. It’s been months since I’ve seen her and I don’t know. I don’t know. I think maybe it’s the feeling of giving up freedom, trading it for the 9-5, the normal, the material prosperity and none of it being worth the freedom but I just don’t know what the alternative is. I just can’t shake this feeling of it being wrong. I’m so confused. I feel lost.

So much of me is so optimistic for the future, so proud of myself, so impatient to get on with it all and yet there’s this part which feels like I’m making a kind of Faustian pact for things that I don’t really want.

I keep thinking of S and her gothiness. That feeling of how things used to be when she was here in the UK and we spent so much time together. That feeling. I can’t describe it, cyberpunk, goth, freedom, hope, optimism, a lack of worry. I don’t worry now but I feel like maybe I’m not as unconstrained as I was.

Maybe I need to actually think about what I’m doing and why. Why am I doing it? Okay, more money, but why? I’d like to be more independent, which I suppose is more free but I sort of wonder. Like where am I going to be in a year?

I think that maybe I have a touch of depression coming on. I’m so pensive. I’m having an actual existential crisis.

Seriously though, where am I going to be in a year, tons of money in the bank? Yeah, good chance of that. Am I going to have a girlfriend? Maybe. A car? Possibly. The house I’m not worrying about at the minute and I suppose I’m thinking, “What’s it all for?” am I going to be happier? I don’t know.

On the flip side. what am I giving up? Not much at this stage.

I’m going to have a whisky and watch Blade Runner.


One of the things I’ve been saying over the past few months is, “I’d really like to find out who reads the applications and scores them. Then I could pick their brains and see what they’re looking for”.

So today I roll into the office and there’s someone at my desk. This is annoyingly common: lots of senior people rotate through our office because there are always desks free and for some reason, probably the reason I picked it, people pick my desk to sit at. I found myself by the printer, which is next to my desk and this person introduces herself: Guess what? Yeah, she does the recruiting for the department. So, I got her email and she wants me to send over my application so that she can look over it and give me feedback…..and there are jobs coming up in September in the department…..


So if things go tits up with my application to the other department then I have a fallback, a fallback which pays more although it lacks glamour and the promotion prospects aren’t good, but then again it gives me more experience and I could do it for six months, save a fortune up and still go for the job that I actually want.

So. Much. Win.





My next application is about ready for submission and it is a thing of beauty. It’s composed of four questions about situations where you have met the various criteria and you have two hundred and fifty words to answer each question. So the challenge is to communicate a complex situation in two hundred and fifty words.

If I’ve learned anything over the past few months it’s concision and also to really sell myself. “I’m not really staff” becomes “I saw the opportunity to expand my role” etc. You can’t mention anyone except maybe in passing and this person is always passive and acting because of you, even if it’s your boss. So I emailed my boss and she implemented a new email system, but in the application I initiated change and innovation and a new email system was implemented. It’s an exercise in pure narcissism!

Neo-Nazism and the left.

You know, I can’t help thinking that the average “liberal” or leftie is actually a neo-nazi. I’m one of those people who think that national socialists are socialists by the way. There’s nothing about an extreme free market ideology that leads to fascism: if you hand everything over to the market then you arrive at anarcho-capitalism: there isn’t a state, never mind a totalitarian one that pushes conservative values. So Nazi’s belong at the other end of the political spectrum and I shall now demonstrate that nazism, neo-nazism and mainstream “liberalism” are actually quite similar.

So we have the rise of the “alt-right” who are deemed to be white nationalists, white supremacists, neo-nazis, you get the idea. Is their ideology so very different from “liberalism”? The answer is no. Consider this:

The left at the moment essentially sounds like a school teacher having a psychotic rant as follows:

“WESTERN CIVILISATION?!? You mean white-cis-hetero-patriarchy! White males have oppressed everyone and still oppress everyone! Philosophy? Created by white males! Science? Dominated by white males! Art? White males! Mathematics? White males again! Literature? So white male! Everything is dominated by white males! Leibniz? White male! Newton? White male! Plato? White male! Euler? White male! Picasso? White male! Rembrandt? White male! Thomas Aquinas? White male! All white males who created white-cis-hetero-patriachy which oppresses everyone! *points to white boy in the class* AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE THEM!”.

Which gives our white boy a choice: He can decide that he is a she or that he is gender fluid and join the group of oppressed victims or he can decide that he’s just like all these men and can achieve what they can and chose to think of himself essentially as an Aryan God-man who by virtue of being white and male and despite being part of a group which is only seven percent of the population is powerful enough to oppress the other ninety-three percent.

So, you see, “liberal” ideology and neo-nazism differ only in their interpretation and viewpoint, the basic facts are agreed upon.


So BM got herself a bf, maybe. She was out a lot with one of the staff who Gman termed “a microwave technician” and C named “M.T Buzzer” and over the last must be couple of months now I’ve seen them out together in the pub. It never looked like a particularly passionate relationship since they never seemed to really talk.

Anywho I was out with C on Monday and BM was out drinking with a couple of the staff but curiously not M.T Buzzer and she looked absolutely miserable so I’m thinking that she’s now definately single again.