It’s August bank holiday here. I was peacefully in the land of Nod when my phone goes off and it’s Jboy calling me. Dakota is in town and is only free today. Fifteen minutes later I’d ironed and shirt, showered and got dressed. Half an hour later I was sitting by her.
I hate myself for this in a mild kind of way. I hate that she can have this power over me which turns me into this adolescent simpering wreck. I hate that I can chase other women with sincerity and yet the moment I see a FB post or get a message from her or hear that she’s back everything immediately becomes about her on reflex. I hate the way I melt when I’m with her.
Everything hits me at once: I want to rip her clothes off and ravish her, I want to make gentle love to her slowly and passionately and I want to bury my face in her cleavage, have her wrap herself around me, and suckle on her nipples as she kisses my forehead and strokes my back until I fall asleep. As if that wasn’t enough I want to look after her and be looked after by her, urges both platonic and pornographic flood my psyche.
The thing I find most interesting about this, though, is that we both have similar jobs at the moment so we can talk shop for hours and I’m very right-wing and she’s very left-wing and she’ll chide me about that and I tell her how I want to switch to a new job, partly because I don’t see myself as the right kind of person to be doing this job and then she chides me for that too. I ended up asking her about that and she said that she totally understood me wanting to get out and I kind of realised that she was just kind of shit testing me.
I just find it weird that we’ve ended up in this situation where we can talk shop, where we have that in common. I suppose that I find most of my life weird at the moment, things ending up where I least expect, things not working out how I want only to work out better, not really feeling in control of any of it, and not being afraid of that.
I have this birthday card that my parents gave me years ago: Zen Dog and I feel like it sums up my life. I have an idea of what I’m doing but the currents take me where they will. When I’m with her, though, I at least have a sense of why I’m doing things, I’m doing them partly because I hope that it’ll give me a shot with her.