Make your own title up.

Ears are clearing up. Fucking w00t.


May be going hyper manic.



Not down. Up! Up! Up!


What even is homecoming? Like in the UK we get all this American stuff and we’re just like, “What are the Americans on about?” “Dunno. They’re Americans, aren’t they?” “Tea?” “Yeah”. Literally.  Watching this. Ask ye not. Funny! When I was a teenager it was mainly all about the air cadets, shooting, flying, fieldcraft….principles of flight, air nav, meteorology, airmanship, chemical warfare training and what to do in the event of WW3, how to take a shit in the woods.

This has memories. We got dragged off to the local uni for a lecture on Physics, I suspect this was to sell us the idea of doing physics at uni. No idea. Anywho. We went for lunch and S and I and about half of us ended up in the student union drinking. We might have been underage. Anywho so we end up in this shop and Teenage dirtbag is playing and here’s S and I with this whole dance routine bopping away in a world of our own.

I miss S dearly. I don’t miss those days per se. Mostly they were about being bullied and although I remember them now through rose tinted glasses now I end up reminding myself that I was depressed nearly all the time and always being picked on. Columbine was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lots of people at school realised that maybe picking on the kid who knew his way around an SA80 and various pistols might not end well for them. I got left alone after that for the most part. My deep appreciation to American lunatics shooting up schools. *thumbs up*

I think S is coming over soon actually. Getting hold of her isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Then it’s all, “Hi! Yeah, my flight gets in at 8am tomorrow, I’ll see you at 9!”. We were a pair of fuck ups clinging to each other for dear life, almost literally. Probably still are in way.  She had such wild wild mania. Then they’d med her up to the eyeballs and she’d be a zombie and then she’d stop taking the meds and she’d be off manic as fuck again. No inhibitions, no control, no filter, no “Should I say this?” just “You’re a twat” or she’d just punch you. Loved her for it. There’s a freedom to not caring about yourself, you can do anything, because consequences don’t matter to you when you don’t matter to you. Don’t let anyone tell you that self-destruction can’t be fun, just remember that the fun is there to take the pain away.

Mixed episode……..

I can feel everything around me. I’m keyed to fuck.

Sometimes I just write for the sake of it. There is no meaning. Nihilism. I’m so bored. I need to sleep really but I’m so keyed up. Mind. Is. Racing.





So I didn’t sleep last night, my ear was playing up. At 8am I called the surgery and got an appointment for 10am. Apparently it’s slightly inflamed. I’d hate to see what an actual infection looks like. Anyway, I have this spray to use and actually it’s pretty good, the symptoms are clearing up fast. Single payer might not be so bad. In America apparently you have to fill out loads of forms. I had to wrestle with the automatic check in thing which is touch screen. This would be fine but I find that you need to be ultra accurate and jab it quite hard, it’s hugely annoying.

As I feared, the guy going for his dan grade on Saturday isn’t anywhere near ready. Seemingly he doesn’t really have a dojo where he consistently trains and I’m not entirely sure how he’s come to be with us or why he’s taking his grading with us. In any case we found ourselves going over things that should really have been learned at 4th kyu. Also he doesn’t have the mind of someone going for dan grade. I’m going to try and get up and uke for him on Saturday.



MEH. So I’m okay.  I’ve got the tail end of an ear infection. I’m okay though. I think the extra Omega-3 from the fish oil is keeping me reasonably balanced from a mental health point of view. In related news the NHS have finally sent me an appointment letter, my appointment is in six weeks. I’ve only been waiting since May/June. This is single payer healthcare for you.

I want a cuddle. My sex drive has fallen off of a cliff but my cuddle drive, this is now a thing btw, has exploded, as it does at this time of year. I keep thinking of being snuggled up to S or Dakota and just drifting off to sleep. Also the “psychological cold” thing has happened, or is happening. I might feel warm but something keeps telling me that I’m cold. I want to be wrapped up under a duvet all the time and basically I have zero motivation or interest in doing anything. I can’t even be bothered with reading. All I do is watch films or stuff on YouTube.

Really I’m bored, I think that part of my problem is that I feel like I’ve come out of my groove. A month or so ago I felt like I was in a groove, that everything was heading somewhere and that I was making progress and now I feel stuck in the mud. If I don’t feel under pressure or in a groove I switch off, I think. I get frustrated and grumpy. I need a challenge in front of me.

I suppose that’s why I’m so stoked about this course on the weekend. Okay, it’s not my grading but it is R’s grading and also I’m going to be getting up and taking ukemi for him so I’m involved. It’s going to be intense, I’m going to be pushing myself, it’s for something, I’m motivated. Plus it’s an event: our whole association, maybe a couple of hundred people, are going to be there and me and R being in the direct line from the head of the association we’re going to be in the limelight, all eyes are going to be on us; people will be seeing what we do to judge whether their students are ready for dan grade. Literally this course is the only thing that I care about at the moment.

I got a text of Sensei saying that a dan grade candidate is coming to train with us tomorrow. That should be interesting. I’m slightly surprised by this considering that visiting another dojo is generally about getting serious training in; you’re going there so that they can point out faults that your own dojo don’t consider to be faults, kinda like a peer review thing. That should have been done before this point and the last week is generally a bit of a break from training, all the “last minute” prep should have been done last week allowing a week to relax and mentally prepare, certainly on the last session before the actual grading. I’ll be telling R to lay off his training this week, get plenty of sleep, keep hydrated and generally relax.

I’m aware of still being quietly, or maybe not so quietly, enchanted by BM. If she’s not there on a Tuesday I miss her. There’s something about seeing her pottering about, her little nose in the air, confidently doing whatever she’s doing. The only thing I can say about her is that there’s something quite wholesome about her, she’s clean, unpretentious, settled in herself. I’ve just realised that she looks like Little My from the Moomins,  “She is a small, determined and fiercely independent Mymble. Little My is brash, aggressive, mischievous and disrespectful, but can also be a good friend when she wants to.” That sounds like BM actually.

I have odd feelings about her. I feel so protective towards her. I can imagine that if something happened in the pub and she was hurt that I would immediately lose it and whoever hurt her would be answering to me. Actually the thing that strikes me when I think about her and my feelings about her is that there isn’t that component that wants to cuddle up to her as there is with Dakota and S, I have no desire to seek emotional support from her, I just want to protect her and look after her and have sex with her. Part of me would quite like to get over her but I find her so interesting.



Mental note: When depression kicks in eat oily fish. I always forget to do this and then when I remember BANG! Depression lifts. So we’re back up and running and from now on I’ll be eating oily fish/taking fish oil supplements until at least spring. I used to do this but one day I ran out and there were no major issues so I just didn’t buy more. Idiot me.

In other news I’m punchy. I think it’s because there’s a big Aikido course on at the end of the month during which R will take his black belt grading so I’m psychologically getting geared up for that. I’ll be up taking ukemi for him and it’s the first really big course I’ve been on since my own black belt grading so it feels like a big event to me.

Also I have this awareness of how much of this year’s success is down to having a mentality that is the product of fifteen years of Aikido training and so I find myself returning to it and deepening my practice.


Here’s where I am at the moment: Yesterday I went into town to get some food and a coffee. Invariably I phone C so I have my phone in one hand, a burger in the other and I’m pinning my coffee between my chest and my arm. I go to a wall, I put my phone down, pick my coffee back up and I wander off leaving my phone on the wall. Fortunately it was still there about ten minutes later when I remembered that I’d left it there. My memory just does not work. I put things down and I forget about them, I get up to talk to someone and by the time I find them I can’t remember what I want to talk to them about.

I feel like I’m struggling to keep on the surface. Every day I feel a little bit more down, a little less positive. Then something good happens and I perk up and things are okay for a bit and then I feel myself sliding under again. I feel like I’m going nowhere, which isn’t strictly true, I’m just not getting where I want to be as fast as I would like. Laugh if you like but I’ve been consulting the I Ching again and it’s very positive about my future, and right now I need that. Fortunately I know that this is seasonal and will ease up soon but I’m not having fun.

I sort of feel that I kind of have to carry myself and by that I mean that I don’t often feel that I get that much support, I find that I have to dig deep a lot when things don’t turn out right and consciously turn my psychology around, which is fine. I’m not owed anything. This is really mentally exhausting though and there are times when I just don’t believe myself.

In other news I’ve suddenly become possessed of the desire to take up Kendo. I feel that my Aikido practice needs supplementing and Kendo is quite good for cardio and of course more aggressive.


Last Night of the Proms.

So this popped up in my FB feed: “The Last Night of the Proms – a postcard from a country that never existed” and, call me racist, but I had the strange inkling that the author would not be a white male and, imagine my shock, I was right.

It’s one of those things that makes me roll my eyes and smile, this attitude of: “I’m as British as anyone……..I just don’t get anything British people do or have any understanding of the country that isn’t “contemporary Britain”. If something is older than about thirty years it’s just utterly baffling. So the fact that the format of LNOTP dates back to the 1950s somehow means that it can’t be traditional, despite the fact that nearly every adult in the country has known nothing but.

This misses the more general point that the reason we like tunes like Rule Britannia  and Land of Hope and Glory  etc is because they connect us to our history. For us Brits, that’s tradition as far as we’re concerned, when we dig deep that’s what comes out. If you strum up the opening bars of Rule Britannia  and it immediately it evokes something in the British psyche.

That something, of course, can’t be put into words; that’s why it’s communicated through music. I hate to be all identity politics, but The Guardian is all about identity politics so I feel like I’m just running with their shit when I say: I’m not sure that an asian male whose family probably haven’t been in the country more than a few decades can quite understand this fully.

I suspect that the people who believe this the most are non-white people. I suspect there’s a whole load of BAME people who are quite aware that they’re not quite getting something which the people with a native ancestry obviously do and their reaction to this is to say, “Well that thing I’m not quite getting is all made up nonsense which doesn’t matter – it’s a postcard from a country that never existed”. Whereas actually it’s more of a distant echo: Rule Britannia was written in the 1740s and if you think that the Battle of Trafalgar was in 1805 – someone on that day, plenty of someone’s I suspect, were humming Rule Britannia as our warships closed with the French and Spanish navies. There’s a thread there which links us to them, in that tune there’s the thunder of that first broadside as HMS Victory smashed through the enemy line with everything that meant for the future of this country.

This, I suspect, is why we get this BS about pulling down Nelson’s column . It’s nothing to do with what Nelson said, it’s about removing anything that reminds people from immigrant backgrounds that they’re from immigrant backgrounds. Something like Nelson’s column or Last Night of the Proms reminds them that in Britishness they’re laying claim to an identity that they themselves are not at all comfortable with because they’re aware that there are things about being British that they just don’t get.

For some reason their insecurity is our problem.


I don’t know but – I may have swung myself an interview. Last Friday, purely on a speculative basis, and because I was pissed off after finding out that I wasn’t getting an interview for the last job I was going for, I randomly applied for another job with the same organisation, but higher up. I expected nothing to come of this and, if I’m honest, I still expect nothing to come of this. Literally I just copied and pasted all of the application from the previous one and submitted it just so that I felt that I was still pushing and driving myself forward – still doing something proactive. Yesterday I got an email asking me to take the online test……… I took it today and passed.

So we’ll see. I don’t even really match the criteria. I didn’t even fully read the criteria! I was just so riled up and fed up that I dismissively did it. This I think is actually an improvement: I think that this kind of reaction is much healthier than how I used to react which was by getting down and disheartened and passive. Now I always want to punch back: I get knocked back and I fire off another application the same day. I don’t care about matching the criteria: It’s their fucking problem to sort out, not mine!

I’m amazed at how much I’ve changed in the past eight or nine months. I’m so much more confident, more assertive, more positive, more future orientated. The thing which frustrates me is that things aren’t moving as fast as I would like. I’m ready to take the next step in my life.

BM was curiously chatty on Tuesday night. Usually I get ignored up to a certain point at which point she becomes chatty and usually I have to initiate. Jboy went off to the bar and R sent me a message which was hilarious and naturally I burst out laughing as she was walking by. Her head swivelled, the eyes narrowed suspiciously, “And what are you laughing at?”  So I explained. Then after that we had a back and forth and naturally at the end of the night I got the usual “Get out!” rather than, “Would you finish your drinks, please”. She makes me laugh; I love her attitude, her toughness, how hard she works and I feel quite protective towards her: if there is anything that looks like trouble I find myself keeping more of an eye on her than usual just incase.

I suppose I’d better get to bed.

Oh, in other news, I bought Cryptonomicon  by Neal Stephenson, who is one of my favorite authors. I didn’t appreciate that it’s 918 pages of small type! I honestly have no idea when I’m going to read it. I’m actually, despite my positivity and whatnot, in a bit of a funk: I’m quite tired and my concentration isn’t great.