About a year ago I saw a video of him citing research about how a high protein breakfast basically kills anxiety. Now, I really struggle to get up in the morning, I have a fifteen minute grace period at work because basically I don’t feel awake and I struggle to get in on time. It used to be that I would feel awake only after lunch and I was conscious that basically I was a zombie until lunchtime but then after that I would be awake and very productive. Also before lunch I’d feel like shit mood wise.

So I started avoiding breakfast cereals and porridge and anything carb related in the morning and just started having bacon and egg and coffee with cream and I fry the egg in butter. Alternatively, I have scrambled egg and smoked salmon. Occasionally I’ll have a yogurt too. The change is remarkable; I still struggle to get up in the morning, I’m zonked as I make breakfast, but by the time I get into work I’m awake and alert and in a good mood with good energy levels. The difference is amazing.

The only time I feel tired is after lunch for a bit and I eat shit for lunch usually. I have a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a flapjack. On Tuesday I decided to go for a caesar salad and I felt much better than I usually do after lunch and I assume this is, if it isn’t just a random one off, down to cutting out the bread. Apparently pasta that’s cooked and cooled produces less of an insulin spike compared to bread. I’ve actually switched from wheat to rye bread at home because I read that rye produces less of an insulin spike. From now on I’m going to avoid sandwiches and see what that does, if anything. Maybe avoid the flapjack and the crisps too, although I do love the flapjack!

Generally I feel better in life after maybe a bit less than a year after making these dietary changes. I feel that my mood is far more stable and that I’m more positive and I’m hoping that I can find a dietary solution to feeling sluggish in the morning. Certainly I think that my depression is much less serious than it used to be, now I feel that it’s situational rather than so much of a health condition. If I’m depressed it’s because of something happening in my life and when I fix that thing the depression lifts.

That said, at the moment I think that I have depression in that I have no motivation to do anything and I don’t enjoy anything, I feel quite numb most of the time and I’m pensive. I’ll lay around just thinking for hours. That’s a lot better than it used to be though. Occasionally I’ll get the odd intrusive thought or a flashback of some humiliating thing but it’s occasionally, it’s not the constant movie reel of my total disaster of my life narrated with comments about how shit I am, like it used to be. Importantly, I’m not catastrophically exhausted all the time.


England v Columbia, in song.

The national anthem starts and immediately the pub erupts into “God Save the Queen” breaking up the singing of “Ten German bombers“. What this actually has to do with Germany is not exactly clear except that the singing of Ten German Bombers is just what you do at any point that England finds itself against another country and you happen to be English. I suppose it’s a generic, “We fucked the germans up, and we’ll fuck you up too” song. Then England scored and naturally the pub went mental, people were on the tables dancing and everyone started singing the chorus of “Three Lions” and I mean everyone.

Relative calm, emphasis on the “relative”, was maintained until the penalty shoot out upon which we all felt the need to chant “Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!” at the Columbian players as they walked up to take their shot.

Then some fool decided to close the pub…….and all the pubs around… everyone spilled out into the street………and stayed there singing the chorus of three lions, Ten German bombers over and over while we blocked the road, climbed on cars and so it stayed until the police turned up. Naturally when they arrived they were met with chants of “Wankers! Wankers! Wankers!” and because they’re British police they reveled in it arms outstretched, huge grins on their faces, gleefully accepting the abuse of the crowd  even as they moved the more unruly members out of the road.

So. Yeah. I get the impression that there’s nothing that Americans or Canadians have that mirrors half the population routinely mooching about in a shirt with the national crest on it. Sad.

Hell raising.

I had a fucked up dream last night. So……C drags me to see Hereditary on Friday night. Critics are all over it but personally I was bored for all six weeks of the firm. It’s the usual thing: Creepy wooden house in the forest in the middle of fuckknowswhere USA. Granny dies, but granny happens to be a fucking cult leading witch trying to summon a demon, as one does.

Fast forward to last night and I’m playing Doom. If you haven’t played any of the Doom series you basically have no life.

So one fucks off to the land of Nod and yeah, the land of Nod is a fucking creepy ass wooden house in the forest in the middle of fuckknowswhere USA and to quote the computer in Doom, demonic presence was at unsafe levels. Naturlich one was running around the house trying to get out being chased by all and sundry and one was not placed in an unduly discommodious mood by this: nightmares tend not to be scary to me because reasons, but one was rather motivated to get the fuck out of the house.

At some point I found myself running for the front door, which was open, and just as I got there, yeah, it slammed shut and “the house” cackled at me and told me that I wouldn’t get out alive. Much running around later I found myself barricaded in a sort of workshop in the basement in which I found a hammer, a hacksaw, a double barreled shotgun and enough ammunition to start world war three, which is useful in a semi-ww3 type situation. I sort of rate being in a possessed house full of demons as kind of in shit/10.

Needless to say the barrel lost a few inches while the scratching on the doors and walls picked up. Then I sat down on a chair and decided to have a think about the situation, at which point it seemed unlikely that YT was getting out. So I pulled my phone out and lo and behold I had a good wifi signal so I opened up YouTube and put the Doom theme on loop, put my earphones in, loaded up just as they came through the door. I’m like, “So, you want to raise hell, eh?” and then pulled the trigger which mowed down a fuck ton of demons.

There was a lot of shooting, a lot of bludgeoning things to death with a hammer until everything went quiet and I found myself by the front door absolutely covered in blood. Then I was like, “Open the fucking door before I blast it off the hinges” and the door opened and that was that.

Das Updaten!

There isn’t much to report. I still haven’t started the new job because…… many departments does it take to organise some basic checks? Touch wood, though, I should have a contract this week or next.

I saw Dakota a couple of weeks back and I’ve sort of been processing the occasion. There’s a guy I thought that she’d slept with who keeps messaging her, despite having a girlfriend and despite having not seen Dakota in years. Obviously I loathe this guy but she started that nothing happened with him while telling me that he still messages her…..which feels…… It feels like she decided to push my buttons, but not too hard. “You know that guy you loathe and think I slept with? He still wants me but I didn’t do anything with him”. “Other men still want me, but I’m leaving the door open for you”.

Maybe I’m over analysing.

If she’s telling the truth, though, then I have to somewhat reevaluate her because I assumed that she was basically sleeping around and it may be that she’s actually been totally celibate, or virtually so. This actually makes a certain amount of sense, she doesn’t really seem to let people get close to her.

Breaking the rules…

So……I’m wearing blue jeans, a Hugo Boss formal shirt with double cuffs and I was wearing my navy blue blazer. For those who understand sartorial rules: Yeah, I know.

The past week or so I’ve found myself wearing white shirts and most of the white shirts that I have are formal, I have two white oxfords but one is ancient and although it’s comfortable as fuck, it’s really only good for around the house. The other is in good shape but I only have one of them.

The other thing is that I love this navy blazer. Usually if I’m out in the pub I’ll wear an oxford shirt and a sport coat and all my sport coats are tweed. The combination of oxford shirt and tweed sport coat really makes me warm bearing in mind that I can walk about in 0C in a t-shirt so usually I take off my sport coat when I arrive. My blazer is comparatively thin, though, and so with a formal shirt it’s really comfortable even indoors.

I’ve been out a lot this week so I ran out of clean oxfords and ended up wearing formals. Then I ran out of those…..except the Hugo Boss with the double cuffs and I thought, “fuck it, why not?” and I have to say that I think that double cuffs are really starting to grow on me. They’re just a little bit smarter, aren’t they? Also I love the fit of them, it feels more relaxed and comfortable and I have some really nice cufflinks so I think from now on I might start wearing more formal shirts when I’m out, sartorial rules be damned.

Queen Elizabeth

So the BBC have made a documentary series about the new carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth . I love the odd quirks of the Royal Navy like every friday is fish and chips night. The other thing is that I was watching a documentary about the US Navy which is ultra formal in the way that our navy just isn’t. I actually found that off putting when I went for a cadetship in the navy, now I realise that this is actually the product of four hundred years of professionalism.

One of the next things on my to do list is to join the Royal Navy Reserve which, given how things are with our navy, means that I could definitely see service on one of the new carriers. I’m quite excited at the possibility.


You know how occasionally you come across one of those, “What would you tell you n year old self?” type things?

So I’m at the bar and I have my blazer on, because I love the thing to death. Under it I have my white Oxford shirt and a pair of jeans. I’m still radiating Blue de Chanel. In front of me and a little to my left are these two women, maybe 18-19, skinny, scantily clad and made up to the nines waiting for their drinks. I’m way taller than them so I’m looking clear over their heads keeping an eye on the bar, waiting my turn, nodding hello to the bar staff that I know. I’m deliberately not engaging with the women, not even looking directly at them but they’re in my peripheral vision and they’re looking around the bar too so they can see me.

Eventually I casually glance over them, as in I’m looking right over their heads to see if the bar still has that bottle of Talisker, and immediately they both start flicking their hair like mad, just constantly doing it. I look away and they stop. I look back over them and they start up again. I don’t even acknowledge their presence, I don’t even directly look at them.

I’d tell my 18 year old self that this kind of stuff would be quite common one day.

Also, is it me or do younger women really dress in a hypersexual way these days? Women have always worn skin tight clothes, shown their cleavage, their legs, their midriff, all that. I don’t remember women going around braless with basically an open top or braless while wearing a white T-shirt. So often over the past two years I’ve seen women who for all intents and purposes are showing the world their nipples and I’m pretty sure that never used to happen.

I have this hypothesis about this: So in the past people would be married in their early twenties and divorce was really hard so the competition for mates was quite a lot lower, people just grabbed whoever and then tried to make it work; they had a lot lower expectations.

Then feminism and the sexual revolution came a long and told women not to settle for anything less than the ideal man. Thing is, women don’t find many men all that attractive and so it’s kicked off an arms race. Eighty percent of women are now fighting for twenty percent, at maximum, of men.

I remember female obesity being a real thing when I was in my early twenties, most women were quite a bit overweight. I remember my male friends and I would sit in bars and clubs and we’d complain that all the women were fat. That’s changed, now they’re all really slim and I think  that’s down to this arms race. If a woman wants a high quality guy then she has to out compete all the other women in a way that women have never had to compete with each other before and it’s become cut throat. It’s at the point where going braless to get an edge has become a thing.