Love this song.

Reminds of the time Dakota stormed out because I brought India along only to be consoled when I told her that I loved her and couldn’t love India. “Am I supposed to believe that you couldn’t feel the same way about her!?!” “YES, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!!!” “Then everything’s good then, enjoy the rest of your night”.




Literally every rap song sounds like this to me. I’m like, “Yes, you’re from some shit hole, you’re in a gang, you deal drugs, you drive fast cars and you fuck “bitches” “hoes” and you smoke tons of weed, and you’re a really violent and insecure person yada yada”. So it took me about a week to realise that this is actually a parody.



I’m glad that I keep this blog; it’s useful for reading over past events and keeping a rough timeline and sense of what’s gone on in my life.

As it gets towards Christmas I’m conscious that Dakota will be back soon and she preoccupies my thoughts more than usual, especially with the possibility of a new job soon which will finally provide funds for travel and other exciting things. Finally I might be able to seriously plan to take her away somewhere in concrete terms.

Speaking of Christmas, I find myself oddly at peace with Christmas this year; normally it’s something that I loathe intently. For me Christmas started this year when I was chatting with BM and she said that she had to come into work on a Sunday to put up the decorations. We exchanged mutual groans and eye rolling but actually I rather like the pub with Christmas trees and decorations: it adds a certain cosiness to the place.

Maybe it’s that this is the first Christmas in ages where I’ve felt this positive, albeit cautiously so, about the future?


I can tell if BM’s BF is working or not by how she acts around me. If he’s working, i.e if he’s in the kitchen, she’s aloof. If he isn’t then she’s chatty and engaging.


So I have an interview in a couple of hours and I’m absolutely calm about it because a) I don’t really expect to get the job b) I just want to sleep. This is why I resist medication: my main symptom is drowsiness and the side effects of the medication are, yep, drowsiness. Also there’s this continual desire to find somewhere comfy to snuggle up and sleep. I genuinely think that my body is trying to get me to hibernate.

So at this point I just want to go, get it over with, and get back to bed.


I find it really annoying when people feel the need to dick around with things. For instance: I put the washing machine on the timer to start at 6am. Mum switches it off. I’m actually a bit dubious about her thinking that it had finished because usually she unloads it but whatever. So it’ll be dark soon, I’m three hours behind where I thought I would be and I still have another load of washing to get done and dried and the drier is in the garage which has no light.

I find that mum is endlessly doing these kind of small, niggling, no one incident that really merits complaining about type things and that cumulative mass of things is really grating on me. She’s not someone that ever really considers the impact of what she does on people or really thinks things through so she ends up doing weird things for no real reason. I find that two or three times a week I end up saying to her, “Why are you always trying to do things in the hardest possible way?”. Why are you hanging washing out on damp days when it’s 5C, the lawn is soaking, water clearly isn’t evaporating, only to then, when it gets dark, fumble around in the dark garage with the tumble drier? Why not just put it straight in the drier?

Why are you washing things and then putting them in the dishwasher? Why did you coil up the extension cable causing it to get tangled rather than used winding it up? Why do you do the same with the hoover?

I find it grinding.