I’m fed up of being positive in the face of negative news.

You know when you just don’t give a fuck anymore? I don’t give a fuck anymore. Not giving a fuck anymore is actually quite a liberating place to be.

Like, maybe it’s me but nothing ever really seems to work out for me. Occasionally it looks like it’s about to, and I get excited and then it just doesn’t work out. I find this quite crushing. I’m fed up of my “life” essentially being a fantasy about how good things could be in the future. I’m fed up of pep talks, praise for being determined, optimists telling me things will work out, people telling me that it could be worse, et cetera.

Then, while writing this, I mooch through YouTube and guess what comes up?


Yeah. Nice. Although in fairness I find it reassuring.




I sort of laugh when I see this kind of thing. The need to import African American culture into the UK seems to be quite strong among black British people and none of it really translates. Slavery has never been legal in the UK, the air of England is too pure for a slave to breathe and so the moment a person breathes it they become free. That’s literal law here. Slavery is so odious to the common law that it would require positive law to institute and there has never been such law. There were no slaves here.

Also Britain was ethnically homogenous until only the last few decades so when I hear that the UK is built on racism I laugh. So a country that was 99+% white set up a racist system and then instituted mass immigration so that we had someone to be racist to? That’s what we’re expected to believe. Who were we supposed to be racist to in an ethnically homogenous country? Without post slavery, post colonial mass immigration there would be nobody here for us to set up structural racism to oppress. There was never a debate over whiteness here because we were ethnically homogenous.

So none of this American nonsense translates to the UK except that it’s arrived with the panoply of African American culture that we now have. There are people in London who dress, walk, talk and act like they’re from Compton or something. They even call the police “the feds”. It’s weird.

The other thing that strikes me is: Why would you move to a racist society? Black people in America had no choice, they’ve been there for four hundred years, but black people here have been here maybe four generations and probably not that long. They chose to come here. If this nonsense is to be believed they left overwhelmingly black societies run by black people to come and be oppressed by us white devils, as if that makes any kind of sense. This doesn’t make black people look all that smart. One morning they woke up, looked around at their homogeneously black societies and thought, “You know what, I’m better off under white supremacy, I’ll move to the UK” then they got here and were like, “Yep, racists and white supremacists everywhere, I think I’ll stay”. This actually makes sense to guys like Andrews.

Sorry, I refuse to believe that black people are that stupid. This American crap needs to go back, don’t bring your identity politics bollocks over here.


Punching Nazis

Actually talking about integrating my shadow and violence and whatnot. When I was on the last Aikido course where R graded I found myself contemplating violence. I’ve practiced martial arts for half my life and I find myself arguing online with people, including close friends, that punching people for their political views just isn’t acceptable.

So there I was on the mat and my hakama is made of this heavy cotton and it’s hot, so I’m sat there as Sensei is demonstrating and I’m hot, bothered, sweaty, tired, sore. I’ve had two days of just being battered. We have this thing “never forget that people died to create these techniques” and I was there contemplating all these people in feudal Japan who died in all these battles and wars and the absurdity of “making nazis afraid again” just by punching them hit me.

Human beings will go into battle totally shitting themselves, face another human being carrying a weapon and get into a life or death fight and people actually think that just punching someone will make them afraid enough to never express themselves publicly. It was the same day that the Catalans had their independence vote and during lunch I was checking out the news on my phone and looking at the video of riot police battering people to try and prevent the vote and I found myself thinking that ultimately the riot police weren’t changing anything. It was an irrelevance. The violence was pointless.

No doubt the Catalonians were afraid but they weren’t going to be stopped by their fear. Human beings are stronger than that.

So I find this “punching Nazis” thing so absurd. I think that it’s something dreamt up by people who have no real experience of violence and also have a real fear of violence. They’ve never been punched, they’ve never been in a proper brawl and so they imagine that violence is actually more powerful than it really is.

My mind is a violent place, my mind immediately wants to respond violently to a whole range of problems but experience and training have taught me that really this is an ego driven response. People imagine themselves beating a nazi and getting public adulation for it and feeling really good and validated by this and the now fearful nazi cowering submissively and they really get off on this fantasy. The problem is that real violence and real people’s response to violence has no relationship to this fantasy of violence that they have.

In reality no one is going to like you for hitting someone. In fact they’re going to be afraid of you, they’re not going to want to be around someone who responds violently to nonviolence and if you’re the kind of person that actually hits nonviolent people you’re generally not that well balanced. You’re habitually violent and the nazi isn’t going to be afraid, they’re going to be hurt, angry and looking for revenge and things have already been escalated to  violence so the result will be violent.

So, to me, this “punch a nazi” thing is just so much adolescent fantasy. It’s the same fantasy that leads young men into the martial arts: you beat up the bad guy and you win the girl. You become strong and powerful and righteous and people like you. It’s the kind of stuff you should grow out of by the age of twenty-five and yet I see guys in their late thirties and forties enthusiastically propagating the idea.

It doesn’t at all fit with my reality of violence, that feeling of pained exhaustion, that feeling of the borderline futility of violence that comes from practicing violence for year after year. It’s not glamorous, it doesn’t make you popular, you’re not going to get the girl and the other guy isn’t going to be afraid of you. In fact we know that if you want to make a bully then bullying someone is a pretty good method of doing it.

The other thing, and this is the Aikido speaking, violence is the easy route. We can all hit people. The harder thing, the thing which shows if you have real balls, is to actually communicate with people and try and talk them around. To recognise their humanity and treat them with civility even when you find them repugnant. That’s hard. That’s the real test of your mettle: can you keep your own humanity and hold yourself to your own standards under that kind of stress or are you just going to degenerate to the level of a nazi and hit someone because you’ve managed, like a nazi, to dehumanise them?

And we’re back in the game.

So jobs got posted and now that I have something productive to do and something which I feel is pushing me forward my depression has lifted. Not fully because it’s that time of the year but quite a lot. I’m not getting miserable feeling like I’m in a rut, I’m not questioning the possibility of good things happening in the future. The future is back on!

In semi-related news I find that I have this annoying desire to look after someone. A female someone naturally. One of two female someones. I find that I go to bed and I think about Dakota and the rest of the time I think about BM and BM has a bf. In a way I feel slightly bad because if my life trajectory pans out I’ll have an awful lot of money to spend and I’ll be on an awesome career path and I feel that this allows me to outcompete her bf. I feel that this makes me somewhat douchey but there it is. I want her. I want her and I want Dakota. I’m only human.

As an aside did I tell you that I’ve become fascinated by the idea of integrating my shadow?  I find that my shadow is pretty well integrated. I’m quite comfortable with my dark desires and my violent impulses, which is probably why I’m a borderline pacifist. I know that my first response to many situations is the desire to simply be violent and to crush whichever fool is irritating me.

Actually, one thing that interests me is that I have a desire to have incredibly rough sex with BM which is curious considering that it’s totally the opposite of my normal sexual desires. I want her to be demanding sex from me and at the same time biting, scratching, hitting, kicking me, really making me have to physically dominate her. I want her red faced scowling at me, spitting in my face at the same time that she demands to be fucked harder. I want her to want me to have to conquer her and I don’t want her to make it easy. This is incredibly curious to me but I digress.

In fairness I can probably have neither of them, but still I have this dream of taking one of them to an expensive restaurant and spoiling them. I like the idea of making them feel special and cared for. I have this Japanese place in mind which is reasonably expensive which I want to go to when I get this new job and I want someone to take with me, someone who is special. Someone who I can say to, “My success is your success. You’re with me, you get the best.” Someone who I can be lavishly altruistic with and not have to worry that I’m being taken advantage of.

I must be having one of my occasional bouts of loneliness. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the future. Maybe it’s a bit of both. I feel like while I’m always changing, the past year has been a steep learning curve for me. “Development curve” is more accurate perhaps, I’m more confident, more future orientated, ready for more responsibility in life, hungry for more responsibility in fact.

I’m sort of wondering if my thoughts about BM are indicative of this change. She’s brash, she’s confident, takes no shit, loves banter. I wonder if this change in my sexuality is something to do with a general increase in confidence. I feel that I can handle a woman like BM, that I actually enjoy her challenges, which I do. I love her verbally poking at me, I love the banter and I miss her a lot if I don’t see her for a few weeks. I miss her wide eyed smile and the way she hammers on the bar with her little fists chanting, “Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!” when she wants me to buy her a jagerbomb. Like, even that look in her eyes has a challenge in it that I want to respond to.

Maybe a year ago I didn’t quite have the confidence to take seriously the idea of being with her. In fact this applies to Dakota as well. With this job, assuming all goes well, I feel that I’m better positioned to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to resolve this Dakota/BM getting nowhere, not being able to choose, thing. I’d like to find someone new, someone who provokes me as much as they do. Yep, definitely feeling lonely.


I’m watching Louis Theroux, he’s in Huntington, West Virginia reminding us all in the UK that to see truly fucked up shit one has to go to America. One would have thought that a country like America would have got a handle on the opioid epidemic. It amazes me that doctors in the US would load up the populace on pain killers and then the government would clamp down on this forcing a whole load of addicted people to take heroin.

Our system doesn’t allow fuck ups like that and our system is really fucked up. Why aren’t doctors being sued into the ground? Like, they’ve caused a huge nationwide social problem, made a fortune out of it, and it doesn’t seem that anyone is holding them responsible.