MEH. So I’m okay. I’ve got the tail end of an ear infection. I’m okay though. I think the extra Omega-3 from the fish oil is keeping me reasonably balanced from a mental health point of view. In related news the NHS have finally sent me an appointment letter, my appointment is in six weeks. I’ve only been waiting since May/June. This is single payer healthcare for you.
I want a cuddle. My sex drive has fallen off of a cliff but my cuddle drive, this is now a thing btw, has exploded, as it does at this time of year. I keep thinking of being snuggled up to S or Dakota and just drifting off to sleep. Also the “psychological cold” thing has happened, or is happening. I might feel warm but something keeps telling me that I’m cold. I want to be wrapped up under a duvet all the time and basically I have zero motivation or interest in doing anything. I can’t even be bothered with reading. All I do is watch films or stuff on YouTube.
Really I’m bored, I think that part of my problem is that I feel like I’ve come out of my groove. A month or so ago I felt like I was in a groove, that everything was heading somewhere and that I was making progress and now I feel stuck in the mud. If I don’t feel under pressure or in a groove I switch off, I think. I get frustrated and grumpy. I need a challenge in front of me.
I suppose that’s why I’m so stoked about this course on the weekend. Okay, it’s not my grading but it is R’s grading and also I’m going to be getting up and taking ukemi for him so I’m involved. It’s going to be intense, I’m going to be pushing myself, it’s for something, I’m motivated. Plus it’s an event: our whole association, maybe a couple of hundred people, are going to be there and me and R being in the direct line from the head of the association we’re going to be in the limelight, all eyes are going to be on us; people will be seeing what we do to judge whether their students are ready for dan grade. Literally this course is the only thing that I care about at the moment.
I got a text of Sensei saying that a dan grade candidate is coming to train with us tomorrow. That should be interesting. I’m slightly surprised by this considering that visiting another dojo is generally about getting serious training in; you’re going there so that they can point out faults that your own dojo don’t consider to be faults, kinda like a peer review thing. That should have been done before this point and the last week is generally a bit of a break from training, all the “last minute” prep should have been done last week allowing a week to relax and mentally prepare, certainly on the last session before the actual grading. I’ll be telling R to lay off his training this week, get plenty of sleep, keep hydrated and generally relax.
I’m aware of still being quietly, or maybe not so quietly, enchanted by BM. If she’s not there on a Tuesday I miss her. There’s something about seeing her pottering about, her little nose in the air, confidently doing whatever she’s doing. The only thing I can say about her is that there’s something quite wholesome about her, she’s clean, unpretentious, settled in herself. I’ve just realised that she looks like Little My from the Moomins, “She is a small, determined and fiercely independent Mymble. Little My is brash, aggressive, mischievous and disrespectful, but can also be a good friend when she wants to.” That sounds like BM actually.
I have odd feelings about her. I feel so protective towards her. I can imagine that if something happened in the pub and she was hurt that I would immediately lose it and whoever hurt her would be answering to me. Actually the thing that strikes me when I think about her and my feelings about her is that there isn’t that component that wants to cuddle up to her as there is with Dakota and S, I have no desire to seek emotional support from her, I just want to protect her and look after her and have sex with her. Part of me would quite like to get over her but I find her so interesting.