BM part soixante-neuf

So I used the app to order my drinks. BM hates anyone who uses the app and if she’s working then I don’t use it because I care about BM. So. I tap in the drinks I want, the table we’re at, put in my card details, all good. Then I see BM and I’m like, “I’m in shit”. So she comes around the corner with the drinks, sees me, and there’s that kind of faux angry smile, and she makes to put the drinks down on the nearest table and makes to walk off. I get up and before I can take the drinks off her she brings them over.

A couple of the bar staff are next to us having a drink after their shift and are bemused about this since staff shouldn’t be telling customers not to use the app, never mind refusing to bring their drinks over and one of them is a manager. “I’ve banned him from using the app” she announces.

Later on I’m going to the bar, i.e not using the app, and I bump into her and she has this kind of “I’m watching you” smirk and we walk to the bar. I order my drinks but one of them is a coffee so I have to go to the coffee machine. I turn towards the machine and guess who is there. Yeah. “I wouldn’t have used the app if I knew that you were working” “Damn right! You shouldn’t be using it anyway!”

So then we order food and yeah, she brings it over. She comes through the kitchen doors, makes eye contact with me with that slight smile, that knowing little smile, pauses for a second or two and brings the food over. “Now this is an acceptable use of the app. I don’t mind if there are no drinks”.

Now this is a woman who has regaled me with how much she loves her boyfriend while her head was resting on my shoulder, while her boyfriend was not 4ft away before repeatedly hugging me.

I’ve given up analysing it all. I  just enjoy it. Our thing has always been confrontation, we have mock arguments over everything. Also she’s put on some weight and I’m not going to lie, it looks really good on her. She’s got this amazing hourglass figure which fills her clothes.

I’m also not going to lie in that this constant challenging that she does kind of triggers this dominant tendency in me. Don’t get me wrong, I have really tender feelings about her. I see how hard she works, and I really admire that about her just as I really admire how she takes no shit and how generally strong she is. I hate coming into the pub and seeing how exhausted she is even as she greets me with a sleepy smile. I want to look after her, I want to make her life easier. I want give her everything that she wants. I want to protect her, keep her safe and make her happy but god damn it I want to put the bitch in her place! God she triggers this desire to dominate her in me.

Her challenging me actually turns me on. I don’t want some passive little waif, I want a woman that stands up to me, I want a woman who can match me. I want a woman who I can struggle with. I don’t want someone submissive. I want someone strong willed and fearless, and she is.



I’ve just realised that I’ve been ordering the wrong length of sleeve on my shirts since forever. In fairness this is because I almost always have the sleeves rolled up so it makes little difference but yeah. Normally I b

So I’ve bought myself a shirt with sleeves two inches longer than I normally buy which means that, unbuttoned, the cuff comes down to where my thumb and index finger split. I’m also getting a navy blazer, finally, and so I should have that quarter to half inch of cuff showing.

This is all for the interview and I’m aware that by going business casual rather than in a suit I’m risking things a bit but I’m still going to be exceptionally well turned out, I’ve got a nice new tie to go with it all and I have a hunch that I’m going to be dealing with people who perhaps are not all that sartorially aware.

Missing her.

This is mine and S’s tune.

I remember waking up next to her at roughly 4am and just laying there looking at her. A little while later she woke up. The rain was hammering on the roof and windows, the room was scented with incense and that comforting feminine smell that women’s bedrooms have. For a moment she looked at me sleepily. “Can’t sleep?” Next thing I knew she was wrapped around me, kisses were falling on my forehead. I remember her hair falling over my face and the soft warmth of her skin as I nuzzled around trying to find her nipple and the gentle stroke of her hand as it brushed my face on the way to her breast. Then, security, safety, peace, bliss, everything.



This is why it’s entered British lore, passed down from ye elders, that when fighting with the Americans, as seems to be a thing these days, one makes ABSOLUTELY sure that the Americans are on one of your flanks or in front of you because when the Americans open up they’ll fucking shoot anything indiscriminately. Foe, friend, their granny, next door’s dog, random clumps of earth, scarecrows, trees, any kind of object inanimate or otherwise, clouds, individual blades of grass. They’ll fucking atom bomb an outhouse just in case there’s an enemy in there. Sniper in the only bush for miles around? Fucking call artillery down on him. Obliterate the entire area.

Kicking arse.

The rollercoaster continues……….

Things at work are going from strength to strength. I’m knocking out seriously good marks on my case write ups which is a huge achievement for someone who’s only been in the job for three months. Also my confidence is really rocketing and I feel like I can handle just about anything. I now have enough experience to allow me to see how a situation is going to unfold and to allow me to make snap decisions.

Also, one has an interview, which is good, but better than that my competencies were rated as “outstanding”. So I’m pretty chuffed. Especially since I have a couple of applications out at the moment and I’ve used the same competencies for them, so I’m expecting good things.




I’ve not written much about Aikido for a while. There’s a big course on tomorrow so I’m now feeling meditative. I’ve been practicing martial arts for more than half my life, which is something to think about.

I found myself listening to this and it’s a tune that has memories for me because of how much I used to be a Japanophile, how much I love Shogun Total War and how I used this particular tune to focus myself when I was training for my black belt. Something just struck me: there’s a part of me that would like to be like some martial artists I know who are quite stoic. There’s a part of me that I really hate, a part which is too quick to laugh and entirely too expressive and I was admonishing myself for not being more stoic, being more marital. Coincidently I have my copy of Kodo: Ancient Ways.

“Lessons in the Spiritual Life of the Warrior/Martial Artist” is its subtitle. It’s written by a Zen priest and Aikido teacher and one of the things he says is that you can only become yourself and that enlightenment is about realising your true nature.

It’s curious, the other day, when I was training, we needed a broom to sweep the mat. This meant leaving the sports hall that functions as our dojo and walking a corridor the full length of the sports centre to reception. The sports centre is very busy and naturally I was in my Aikido kit, including hakama and it really does force you to walk and move in a certain way, and generally when I’m all dressed up I naturally take on the role of a martial artist, and not just any martial artist, a black belt martial artist.

So there I am, walking down this crowded corridor, back straight, head up, sleeves rolled up, shoulders back looking at where I’m walking to and ignoring the people around me, arms swinging from my sides. I think I even had my fists clenched, my jaw certainly was. I felt utterly powerful and I could see people noticing me and just getting out of the way and this wasn’t an ego inflating thing, I just noted it dispassionately. I had this sense of filling the whole corridor,which I also noted dispassionately. I was walking with a purpose and that purpose was to get a broom.

That is also me. That is also part of my nature. It’s comfortable. Natural. Neutral. Balanced. Me just being Aikidoka me. I’d like to be like that more often. I think in training for my nidan I’m going to focus on being focused. I’m going to do everything deliberately and carefully, totally mindfully and then I’m going to bring that into my daily life.