I’m watching Louis Theroux, he’s in Huntington, West Virginia reminding us all in the UK that to see truly fucked up shit one has to go to America. One would have thought that a country like America would have got a handle on the opioid epidemic. It amazes me that doctors in the US would load up the populace on pain killers and then the government would clamp down on this forcing a whole load of addicted people to take heroin.

Our system doesn’t allow fuck ups like that and our system is really fucked up. Why aren’t doctors being sued into the ground? Like, they’ve caused a huge nationwide social problem, made a fortune out of it, and it doesn’t seem that anyone is holding them responsible.



Turns out that it was our mistake. Our association sent off an incorrect date of birth to hombu. I must say that hombu are remarkably on the ball. I just provided them with my name and the country I’m in and within an hour I got an email back with a photo of the physical form that we sent off a year ago with our head of association Cc’d into it. No organisation in the UK is that efficient.

Today is a day of pensiveness. I feel sleepy but not tired which is normal for this time of year. I was looking down the garden as I was making tea earlier and noting how the leaves are turning yellow. Everything has that damp heaviness that signals the arrival of autumn. Yesterday I found myself in the front room watching the sunset, the  yellows, the pinks, the blues, the fading of the light. I find that I’m withdrawn, always looking to hunker down somewhere, wanting the next hot sweet thing, a cup of hot chocolate, a rich coffee. So basically I’m undergoing my normal reaction to autumn.

Another curious thing, which is normal for this time of year, is that I want to read fiction and write. Normally my reading habits centre on nonfiction, except during the autumn and winter. I suppose that’s why I’ve been blogging more than usual, I feel the need to write, even if it’s complete nonsense.

For some reason I feel the need to read Henry Miller. Sex. I suppose that I like him because he’s so masculine. Camille Paglia says that our culture is so feminised that we no longer produce authors like Miller and we’re not comfortable with raw male sexuality anymore and part of me would like to write something that redresses that. I reckon that I could write something that would trigger feminists so hard and cause such scandal that I’d be world famous. I just don’t have the patience to write.

I’d like to write a book that just fucks up our current culture’s narrative about male views of women and rubs male sexuality in it’s face in a totally unapologetic way but without it being pornographic. The point wouldn’t be to write sex scenes but to really convey male psychology with all its facets from looking at some women as pure fuck meat to rut with to falling in love with someone and desperately wanting an emotional connection with her through sex and these two extremes can coexist with each other.

I want to write a book that teenagers read to shock their parents and I think that with the dominance of left wing thought and feminist moralising doing that is a piece of piss. I want to release my inner enfant terrible. I want to be sat opposite some seething feminist presenter on a late night culture show and to say, “You’re only angry because you’ve never been fucked like that” and grin as I take a sip from my whisky.

The more I think about this the more I grin to myself and think that it’s a really good idea.


Weekend update.

So R got his dan grade. I got my shodan certificate and yudansha passport which is a little blue book that records your rank and the courses that you’ve attended. When you reach dan grade you become a member of Hombu dojo in Japan and the blue book is kind of your membership book, I also have a membership card. There is a slight problem though: They’ve got my date of birth wrong in the book………. They have, in fact, made me eighteen months older!

So, I have emailed them and we’ll see what can be done. I’m hoping that they just send me a new one for free, seeing as it’s their mistake, but I have a feeling that they won’t. In anycase a new one is ¥1000 which equates to about £10 and I’m guessing that postage won’t be too much.

Other than that I got battered at the weekend. I spent most of the time training with this guy, let’s call him Oni, which is actually a nickname of mine in certain places, because basically he’s unnecessarily brutal with people. He’ll does short, rough, techniques by locking up your wrist, elbow and shoulder and then throw you which means that you have limited options as regards ukemi and on top of the pain you therefore also have a very high risk of breaking a joint. Unsurprisingly a lot of people hate training with him because of this. In fairness you learn a lot training with him but it’s not a pleasant experience. If you make a mistake he very helpfully demonstrates again, and again, which means that you get smashed into the mat again and again.

It got to about lunchtime and my instructor was taking the class and had to tell Oni to basically leave me alone because he needed me to take ukemi on the gradings. At that point I went to train with R and R basically told me to get off the mat and I’m glad that I did. I was exhausted and hugely overheating. I ended up sat in the changing room in just a t-shirt and my gi bottoms just cooling off. Perhaps if R hadn’t of been grading I’d have knocked the whole thing on the head and sat out for the rest of the day but I recover pretty fast and after lunch I was fine.

The next problem was that Oni was grading and guess who is highly regarded for his ukemi and is expected to take ukemi on gradings: exactly YT. So the call comes to change ukemi and I made a dash for Oni. This might sound insane and it kind of was but the reason I made a dash for him is that I wanted to get there first so that no one else had to risk injury. At least I knew what I was getting myself into and I’m quite good at getting myself out of things, other people from other dojo aren’t as fortunate as me and it only needs one slip up and someone is off to hospital with a broken arm.

We got to one point where we were doing shiho nage and my elbow was locked and I only had my big toe and the ball of my right foot and not much else on the mat as he’s pulling me down to the mat. I don’t know how I managed to get into a flip, probably a combination of a powerful snap of the hips and luck. I thought at that point that my elbow was probably going to go. Like I say, I like training with him. When you throw him, you’ve really done a good technique and I learn a lot from him, but I like it in short bursts, not for hours on end.

My instructor was furious because it’s apparent to everyone that it’s not a case of if but when he seriously injures someone.

Make your own title up.

Ears are clearing up. Fucking w00t.


May be going hyper manic.



Not down. Up! Up! Up!


What even is homecoming? Like in the UK we get all this American stuff and we’re just like, “What are the Americans on about?” “Dunno. They’re Americans, aren’t they?” “Tea?” “Yeah”. Literally.  Watching this. Ask ye not. Funny! When I was a teenager it was mainly all about the air cadets, shooting, flying, fieldcraft….principles of flight, air nav, meteorology, airmanship, chemical warfare training and what to do in the event of WW3, how to take a shit in the woods.

This has memories. We got dragged off to the local uni for a lecture on Physics, I suspect this was to sell us the idea of doing physics at uni. No idea. Anywho. We went for lunch and S and I and about half of us ended up in the student union drinking. We might have been underage. Anywho so we end up in this shop and Teenage dirtbag is playing and here’s S and I with this whole dance routine bopping away in a world of our own.

I miss S dearly. I don’t miss those days per se. Mostly they were about being bullied and although I remember them now through rose tinted glasses now I end up reminding myself that I was depressed nearly all the time and always being picked on. Columbine was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lots of people at school realised that maybe picking on the kid who knew his way around an SA80 and various pistols might not end well for them. I got left alone after that for the most part. My deep appreciation to American lunatics shooting up schools. *thumbs up*

I think S is coming over soon actually. Getting hold of her isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Then it’s all, “Hi! Yeah, my flight gets in at 8am tomorrow, I’ll see you at 9!”. We were a pair of fuck ups clinging to each other for dear life, almost literally. Probably still are in way.  She had such wild wild mania. Then they’d med her up to the eyeballs and she’d be a zombie and then she’d stop taking the meds and she’d be off manic as fuck again. No inhibitions, no control, no filter, no “Should I say this?” just “You’re a twat” or she’d just punch you. Loved her for it. There’s a freedom to not caring about yourself, you can do anything, because consequences don’t matter to you when you don’t matter to you. Don’t let anyone tell you that self-destruction can’t be fun, just remember that the fun is there to take the pain away.

Mixed episode……..

I can feel everything around me. I’m keyed to fuck.

Sometimes I just write for the sake of it. There is no meaning. Nihilism. I’m so bored. I need to sleep really but I’m so keyed up. Mind. Is. Racing.




So I didn’t sleep last night, my ear was playing up. At 8am I called the surgery and got an appointment for 10am. Apparently it’s slightly inflamed. I’d hate to see what an actual infection looks like. Anyway, I have this spray to use and actually it’s pretty good, the symptoms are clearing up fast. Single payer might not be so bad. In America apparently you have to fill out loads of forms. I had to wrestle with the automatic check in thing which is touch screen. This would be fine but I find that you need to be ultra accurate and jab it quite hard, it’s hugely annoying.

As I feared, the guy going for his dan grade on Saturday isn’t anywhere near ready. Seemingly he doesn’t really have a dojo where he consistently trains and I’m not entirely sure how he’s come to be with us or why he’s taking his grading with us. In any case we found ourselves going over things that should really have been learned at 4th kyu. Also he doesn’t have the mind of someone going for dan grade. I’m going to try and get up and uke for him on Saturday.



MEH. So I’m okay.  I’ve got the tail end of an ear infection. I’m okay though. I think the extra Omega-3 from the fish oil is keeping me reasonably balanced from a mental health point of view. In related news the NHS have finally sent me an appointment letter, my appointment is in six weeks. I’ve only been waiting since May/June. This is single payer healthcare for you.

I want a cuddle. My sex drive has fallen off of a cliff but my cuddle drive, this is now a thing btw, has exploded, as it does at this time of year. I keep thinking of being snuggled up to S or Dakota and just drifting off to sleep. Also the “psychological cold” thing has happened, or is happening. I might feel warm but something keeps telling me that I’m cold. I want to be wrapped up under a duvet all the time and basically I have zero motivation or interest in doing anything. I can’t even be bothered with reading. All I do is watch films or stuff on YouTube.

Really I’m bored, I think that part of my problem is that I feel like I’ve come out of my groove. A month or so ago I felt like I was in a groove, that everything was heading somewhere and that I was making progress and now I feel stuck in the mud. If I don’t feel under pressure or in a groove I switch off, I think. I get frustrated and grumpy. I need a challenge in front of me.

I suppose that’s why I’m so stoked about this course on the weekend. Okay, it’s not my grading but it is R’s grading and also I’m going to be getting up and taking ukemi for him so I’m involved. It’s going to be intense, I’m going to be pushing myself, it’s for something, I’m motivated. Plus it’s an event: our whole association, maybe a couple of hundred people, are going to be there and me and R being in the direct line from the head of the association we’re going to be in the limelight, all eyes are going to be on us; people will be seeing what we do to judge whether their students are ready for dan grade. Literally this course is the only thing that I care about at the moment.

I got a text of Sensei saying that a dan grade candidate is coming to train with us tomorrow. That should be interesting. I’m slightly surprised by this considering that visiting another dojo is generally about getting serious training in; you’re going there so that they can point out faults that your own dojo don’t consider to be faults, kinda like a peer review thing. That should have been done before this point and the last week is generally a bit of a break from training, all the “last minute” prep should have been done last week allowing a week to relax and mentally prepare, certainly on the last session before the actual grading. I’ll be telling R to lay off his training this week, get plenty of sleep, keep hydrated and generally relax.

I’m aware of still being quietly, or maybe not so quietly, enchanted by BM. If she’s not there on a Tuesday I miss her. There’s something about seeing her pottering about, her little nose in the air, confidently doing whatever she’s doing. The only thing I can say about her is that there’s something quite wholesome about her, she’s clean, unpretentious, settled in herself. I’ve just realised that she looks like Little My from the Moomins,  “She is a small, determined and fiercely independent Mymble. Little My is brash, aggressive, mischievous and disrespectful, but can also be a good friend when she wants to.” That sounds like BM actually.

I have odd feelings about her. I feel so protective towards her. I can imagine that if something happened in the pub and she was hurt that I would immediately lose it and whoever hurt her would be answering to me. Actually the thing that strikes me when I think about her and my feelings about her is that there isn’t that component that wants to cuddle up to her as there is with Dakota and S, I have no desire to seek emotional support from her, I just want to protect her and look after her and have sex with her. Part of me would quite like to get over her but I find her so interesting.



Mental note: When depression kicks in eat oily fish. I always forget to do this and then when I remember BANG! Depression lifts. So we’re back up and running and from now on I’ll be eating oily fish/taking fish oil supplements until at least spring. I used to do this but one day I ran out and there were no major issues so I just didn’t buy more. Idiot me.

In other news I’m punchy. I think it’s because there’s a big Aikido course on at the end of the month during which R will take his black belt grading so I’m psychologically getting geared up for that. I’ll be up taking ukemi for him and it’s the first really big course I’ve been on since my own black belt grading so it feels like a big event to me.

Also I have this awareness of how much of this year’s success is down to having a mentality that is the product of fifteen years of Aikido training and so I find myself returning to it and deepening my practice.