So jobs got posted and now that I have something productive to do and something which I feel is pushing me forward my depression has lifted. Not fully because it’s that time of the year but quite a lot. I’m not getting miserable feeling like I’m in a rut, I’m not questioning the possibility of good things happening in the future. The future is back on!
In semi-related news I find that I have this annoying desire to look after someone. A female someone naturally. One of two female someones. I find that I go to bed and I think about Dakota and the rest of the time I think about BM and BM has a bf. In a way I feel slightly bad because if my life trajectory pans out I’ll have an awful lot of money to spend and I’ll be on an awesome career path and I feel that this allows me to outcompete her bf. I feel that this makes me somewhat douchey but there it is. I want her. I want her and I want Dakota. I’m only human.
As an aside did I tell you that I’ve become fascinated by the idea of integrating my shadow? I find that my shadow is pretty well integrated. I’m quite comfortable with my dark desires and my violent impulses, which is probably why I’m a borderline pacifist. I know that my first response to many situations is the desire to simply be violent and to crush whichever fool is irritating me.
Actually, one thing that interests me is that I have a desire to have incredibly rough sex with BM which is curious considering that it’s totally the opposite of my normal sexual desires. I want her to be demanding sex from me and at the same time biting, scratching, hitting, kicking me, really making me have to physically dominate her. I want her red faced scowling at me, spitting in my face at the same time that she demands to be fucked harder. I want her to want me to have to conquer her and I don’t want her to make it easy. This is incredibly curious to me but I digress.
In fairness I can probably have neither of them, but still I have this dream of taking one of them to an expensive restaurant and spoiling them. I like the idea of making them feel special and cared for. I have this Japanese place in mind which is reasonably expensive which I want to go to when I get this new job and I want someone to take with me, someone who is special. Someone who I can say to, “My success is your success. You’re with me, you get the best.” Someone who I can be lavishly altruistic with and not have to worry that I’m being taken advantage of.
I must be having one of my occasional bouts of loneliness. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the future. Maybe it’s a bit of both. I feel like while I’m always changing, the past year has been a steep learning curve for me. “Development curve” is more accurate perhaps, I’m more confident, more future orientated, ready for more responsibility in life, hungry for more responsibility in fact.
I’m sort of wondering if my thoughts about BM are indicative of this change. She’s brash, she’s confident, takes no shit, loves banter. I wonder if this change in my sexuality is something to do with a general increase in confidence. I feel that I can handle a woman like BM, that I actually enjoy her challenges, which I do. I love her verbally poking at me, I love the banter and I miss her a lot if I don’t see her for a few weeks. I miss her wide eyed smile and the way she hammers on the bar with her little fists chanting, “Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!” when she wants me to buy her a jagerbomb. Like, even that look in her eyes has a challenge in it that I want to respond to.
Maybe a year ago I didn’t quite have the confidence to take seriously the idea of being with her. In fact this applies to Dakota as well. With this job, assuming all goes well, I feel that I’m better positioned to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to resolve this Dakota/BM getting nowhere, not being able to choose, thing. I’d like to find someone new, someone who provokes me as much as they do. Yep, definitely feeling lonely.