Stuff.

The other thing that’s on my mind is this kind of loneliness. To say that I’ve been missing and pining for Dakota would be an understatement. I’m missing S too. I’ve managed not to do anything stupid while looking for sex, which is a huge achievement, but that leaves me quite conscious that I’m not having sex and I’m quite alone. I’m a human being: I need physical affection and encouragement and someone to listen to my problems and at the moment I basically don’t have much of that.

There are only a few people I can talk to the Dakota situation about, I can’t talk to C about it otherwise she’ll ignore me for months again, I can’t talk to Jboy about it on the basis that  judging by Dakota’s behavior he’s not supposed to know about the Paris thing; S is as noncommunicative as Dakota at the moment.

It’s even got to the point where I struggle to watch porn: it feels like the universe laughing in my face. Here’s me wanting something that I apparently can’t have and watching other people having it just makes me miserable. I’m fed up of preparing for some future that never becomes present. The working for things never seems to result in getting those things.

I’m slightly narked because C is doing this whole, “Come away with me and I’ll give you a bj” thing and I think that we both know that this isn’t going to happen so it just feels like teasing. Like, give or don’t give don’t make promises. I’m not even sure that I want it anymore. I feel like I’m in a transitional state where I’m actually learning to control myself and only go for things that I want.

Like with W, I could go to hers and have sex with her. I could do this, and not so long ago I would have done, but if the truth be told I’m not actually attracted to her and I don’t think that it would end well if I actually had sex with her, so I’m avoiding that.  This is amazingly mature for me. Kinda. I’m not sure if the calculation that it will be yet more sex that I don’t enjoy with someone I’m not actually into is maturity. I don’t want to be in a relationship with C and I don’t want to go down that kind of a path with her, even if I do have trouble keeping my hands to myself when she’s in my room. That is a definite lack of maturity and something that I need to work on.

So anyway I have this horrible feeling that I’m deeply unattractive and could be alone forever.

I need to get back into training. I need to find that thing which shuts down self-doubt and allows me to charge in against guys twice my size.

On my shodan grading there was a moment where I was doing three man attack and I threw one guy and I turned to face the other two and time almost stopped. I can see them moving in and I know that I’m going to step to the right of the right hand guy so that he blocks the third guy but I have to move at the right moment. I remember being totally calm, totally centred, totally aware of everything around me and just waiting and waiting and waiting for what felt like minutes and then I just stepped.

I need that back. I find it now and then during the day, like a flickering light bulb in the dark. It feels amazing. I swear on my shodan when R was taking ukemi for me I was totally committed, I wasn’t holding anything back, it was 99.9% a real fight. I was there making kiai and it wasn’t anything affected it was just pouring out of me. I want that again.

Soon.

Blah – update.

So I’m still waiting for a psychiatrist for this assessment. I’ve been watching a lot of Jordan Peterson videos and thinking things over and I think that this is actually an existential crisis type of depression rather than a chemical imbalance type depression: Life just isn’t great at the moment.

I’m worried about the Paris with Dakota thing: admittedly it’s always been a longshot thing but I thought that I would at least be in the financial position to be thinking about it seriously and I’m just not and of course she’s totally uncommunicative, as usual.  I just feel like I’ve been working my arse off for six months and I don’t see it paying off in anyway.  I have been working my arse off too: my boss loves me, I’ve got a reputation for being on the ball and hard working but it’s not paying off; it’s not getting me any further to where I want to be. Or at least it feels that way a lot of the time.

That said I feel quite optimistic a lot of the time too. I’m banging out lots of applications to try and move myself a long and I’m starting to focus on what I need to do for my 2nd dan grading.

Update

So on monday I called up the surgery, my usual GP wasn’t in so I decided that I’d just go and see any doctor. During the consultation it was established that I have the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder; a shocking revelation for someone with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I wanted medication, specifically I wanted ritalin because there is literature to support its use with bipolar disorder and it’ll help me concentrate and focus. Instead what happened is I got referred to my community mental health team. Personally I think that this is a bit OTT, but whatever. They called on Tuesday and basically gave me the choice of a talking therapy or an assessment with a psychiatrist, which could lead to a talking therapy. On advice I chose to go for the assessment. I have no idea when this will be. I think maybe that because it’s been so long since I was under medical supervision that they want to drag me in and see where I am. Where I am, all in all, is a pretty good place.

At the moment my only real symptoms are that I’m exhausted all the time, I’m a bit subdued and I don’t enjoy anything or am able to motivate myself to do anything. That said, I did have a real moment at work today where I almost broke down. I sat there with my head in my hands and just stared out of the window for a good ten minutes crushed by what I can only describe as a wave of hopelessness. I nearly cried. Then it passed and I cracked on.

Oh and at lunch today I decided to actually just sit in Starbucks and read. Usually I grab a sandwich and a coffee and head back to the office, but I felt the need to be out. I’m reading The Fall by Camus. Reading Camus is very much a depression thing I think. Reading serious fiction, as opposed to sci-fi is a depression thing actually: I think something about being depressed and introspective makes me want to read fiction as a way of exploring alternative perspectives on life. Or something.

-2

So -2 is about where my mood is at the moment. I had a bit of a knock on Friday and I think it’s actually hit me harder than I thought it did. I’ve not been feeling as full of pep as I was anyway.

Now I just feel mildly fed up of it all. There’s a disconnect between the amount of effort that I’m putting in and the results that I’m getting out of it. Normally, rational me would be wondering if I need to be finding ways of working smarter but it seems like I’m doing all the right things and getting nowhere.

Last week I had a seriously good opportunity pretty much just fall into my lap and I couldn’t take it up because of some bureaucratic mess about who funds what. So a little crisis of confidence is going on. Ish. I would state it that I’m aware that it’s not entirely impossible that things might not work out.

The only bright spot is how supportive everyone is at work. They’re pretty much bending over backwards for me and doing a fair bit of rule bending, I really can’t fault them and I seem to have acquired a reputation as a very hard worker. I’m not sure who she is in the grand scheme of things, she must be fairly senior, anyway we’d not been introduced and she came and sat in on one of the group sessions and then afterwards she asked me what I did there. So I went through my weekly routine and told her everything that I did and I’m not exaggerating, but for the final two hours that we were in the office she must have thanked me a dozen times and that’s normal.

Everyone in the place is always dumping praise on me to the point where it’s pretty much routine to be called invaluable and have my praises sung. It’s a bit discomforting actually, but I’m sort of wondering if they don’t mean it because what I do takes a day or a day and a half depending, and if I didn’t do it that means that someone else, whose primary job is dealing with customers and all that kind of admin, would have to do it and they haven’t got time. It’s a real “For want of a nail” situation; what I do is trivial in some senses, I’m pretty sure an orangutan could do it, but if it doesn’t get done the whole machine grinds to a halt.

The other thing is that I’m feeling quite lonely. Partly this is a continuation of missing S and partly it’s that I’m feeling shit and can’t get a decent cuddle. Looking back over my last few posts I can see myself slipping into depression, my self esteem is definitely taking a knock. I had a panic attack last week when I went to see Trainspotting with C which is often a depression thing and I’m getting horribly introspective, even by my standards of horrible introspection.I just want to snuggle up to Dakota or S and fall asleep. It’s the affection and the emotional intimacy that I’m really craving.

Meh. I’ll get through it.

 

Sex

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Theme of the post.

So a friend of mine, female, asks why I haven’t signed up on fetlife and I was like, “There’s no point, I’m male”. If I had to rate myself I’d put myself as that guy on the bottom. Not that I’m unattractive physically it’s just that somehow things never work out for me. I actually think that avoiding online dating is a good idea if you’re male because coming out of it with your self-esteem intact is really difficult. C, before we stopped talking, would say that I was attractive and I would respond with, “I do not attract, ergo I am not attractive”. I say the same thing to S.

I look at guys with humongous girlfriends or those guys that you see on Jeremy Kyle and I’m like “Those guys have got something I haven’t”. It’s not even money although I wonder if the whole Dakota thing isn’t because of the prospect of my income dramatically increasing. One tries not to be cynical………but one is cynical.

So one is hypomanic and hypersexual and so one went onto a dodgy site and placed an ad. The success rate of this is probably best measures in the tens of one percent but I got a reply, from a woman, close by……which three weeks later has lead to nothing.

You know I’ve realised something doing this internship: I’ve never really considered myself an adult and a lot of that is due to never being in a serious relationship or having regular sex. It’s always been a bit of a novelty, something I’ve had to work my arse off to get and never really on a regular basis.

I’ve never really had an adult relationship with a woman or the demands that places on a man. I think that if you’re a guy and you figure out that you’re not all that attractive it’s really easy to take life really easy. You don’t need a car, a career, you don’t need to man up because there’s no real reason to, it takes up a lot of time and effort that you could be spending doing what you actually want.

It’s like women and cake: If you’re attractive you can’t eat cake because you’ll get fat. If you’re unattractive you can eat all the cake you want because it makes no difference. If you’re a guy and you’re unattractive it’s similarly liberating. There are no standards to try and meet, no one’s approval to worry about and this is not a good thing because you let everything go to shit.

Lord knows where I’d be without S…..dead probably. I’m sure my increasing babyishness and general desire to be looked after is down purely to the fact that I’ve just never got enough affection. If you’re hungry and you don’t eat, you just get hungrier and whereas a burger would have done before, now you’re dreaming up seven course meals.

I feel like such a loser sometimes, like a really sad, pathetic creature. Then other times I sort of go into a passive aggressive kind of malaise “it is what it is” you lost the game before it even started, why worry about it?

Protip, don’t get bipolar disorder, it really fucks your life up.

Pushing.

Application done. Online test done. Went for a drink with Jboy after work since I was feeling anxious and needed to chill. Definitely a day that reminds me that I have a disability, which sucks. At this stage I do wonder if things are actually going to work out, because I think they really are. Weird feeling.

Totally exhausted by the way, only got about five hours last night and I was in the office for seven hours which doesn’t sound much to normal people but it nigh on kills me sometimes. I know I’m pushing myself a bit too hard with everything but if it all works out I’m going to be laughing this time next year.

I can feel the hypomania kicking in.

I’ll still go for the MoD job……. It’s not much less money and it requires security clearance which might come in useful when I get to where I’m going, plus career progression is really good, which also might come in useful.

Did I mention that I’m a megalomaniac?

Bored.

I feel like I’m really changing, really growing. Everything I’ve learned up to now is now coming to fruition. I’m reaching the end of something and the start of something else. I suppose that whole period of my life that was centred on depression, from when I was 13 to the breakdown at 26 is now run it’s course. I’ve overcome that and I’m ready to really get started on life and my natural positivity, natural confidence and optimism, natural aggression and determination is coming through and it’s going to take me far.

2017 is going to be awesome.

 

Stuff

Not being funny but I might not drink the next time I’m hypomanic because it actually kills my buzz. It brings me down to normal then as I sober up the buzz starts to come back.

I miss dancing with S. Our bodies so close together moving to the rhythm of the music. I look up, our eyes meet, she smiles, runs her fingers through her hair, tosses it, I smile as she runs her hands down her swaying body. I can see guys around us, all of them trying to cut in. She looks up and around at them, then at me, down at the floor, that smile. Her eyes come up, meet mine, I look down and give that long blink that we both understand and now we’re snuggled up.moving together.

The “long blink” is that thing people do when they’re really tired, that thing where you rest your eyes for a second or two but between us it basically means, “want a cuddle”. Thinking about it makes me sleepy actually since usually that’s basically what it’s for: eliciting snuggles and sleepy time.

I’ve been thinking about BM a lot recently. Frequent readers will be surprised about this but, as with so much in my blog, I often blog about things I don’t actually think about that much. I use this to crystallize my thoughts on something and then it gets filed away. Actually a lot of my day to day life, in fact the bulk of it, I never talk about on here so things that you would think are important because I blog a lot about them aren’t that important and often vice versa.

So I find myself thinking about her. I don’t think about her in the same way that I do about Dakota, or S: I just enjoy being around her and I suppose I look forward to being around her when I’m not. I need a fix every now and then, a little sultry look off of her. It’s meant to be a look of mock disapproval but it just comes off as this deeply smoldering, sensual, sultry look. It seductively whispers, “kiss me”.