And we’re back in the game.

So jobs got posted and now that I have something productive to do and something which I feel is pushing me forward my depression has lifted. Not fully because it’s that time of the year but quite a lot. I’m not getting miserable feeling like I’m in a rut, I’m not questioning the possibility of good things happening in the future. The future is back on!

In semi-related news I find that I have this annoying desire to look after someone. A female someone naturally. One of two female someones. I find that I go to bed and I think about Dakota and the rest of the time I think about BM and BM has a bf. In a way I feel slightly bad because if my life trajectory pans out I’ll have an awful lot of money to spend and I’ll be on an awesome career path and I feel that this allows me to outcompete her bf. I feel that this makes me somewhat douchey but there it is. I want her. I want her and I want Dakota. I’m only human.

As an aside did I tell you that I’ve become fascinated by the idea of integrating my shadow?  I find that my shadow is pretty well integrated. I’m quite comfortable with my dark desires and my violent impulses, which is probably why I’m a borderline pacifist. I know that my first response to many situations is the desire to simply be violent and to crush whichever fool is irritating me.

Actually, one thing that interests me is that I have a desire to have incredibly rough sex with BM which is curious considering that it’s totally the opposite of my normal sexual desires. I want her to be demanding sex from me and at the same time biting, scratching, hitting, kicking me, really making me have to physically dominate her. I want her red faced scowling at me, spitting in my face at the same time that she demands to be fucked harder. I want her to want me to have to conquer her and I don’t want her to make it easy. This is incredibly curious to me but I digress.

In fairness I can probably have neither of them, but still I have this dream of taking one of them to an expensive restaurant and spoiling them. I like the idea of making them feel special and cared for. I have this Japanese place in mind which is reasonably expensive which I want to go to when I get this new job and I want someone to take with me, someone who is special. Someone who I can say to, “My success is your success. You’re with me, you get the best.” Someone who I can be lavishly altruistic with and not have to worry that I’m being taken advantage of.

I must be having one of my occasional bouts of loneliness. Or maybe I’m just thinking of the future. Maybe it’s a bit of both. I feel like while I’m always changing, the past year has been a steep learning curve for me. “Development curve” is more accurate perhaps, I’m more confident, more future orientated, ready for more responsibility in life, hungry for more responsibility in fact.

I’m sort of wondering if my thoughts about BM are indicative of this change. She’s brash, she’s confident, takes no shit, loves banter. I wonder if this change in my sexuality is something to do with a general increase in confidence. I feel that I can handle a woman like BM, that I actually enjoy her challenges, which I do. I love her verbally poking at me, I love the banter and I miss her a lot if I don’t see her for a few weeks. I miss her wide eyed smile and the way she hammers on the bar with her little fists chanting, “Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs! Jagerbombs!” when she wants me to buy her a jagerbomb. Like, even that look in her eyes has a challenge in it that I want to respond to.

Maybe a year ago I didn’t quite have the confidence to take seriously the idea of being with her. In fact this applies to Dakota as well. With this job, assuming all goes well, I feel that I’m better positioned to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to resolve this Dakota/BM getting nowhere, not being able to choose, thing. I’d like to find someone new, someone who provokes me as much as they do. Yep, definitely feeling lonely.

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Make your own title up.

Ears are clearing up. Fucking w00t.

Bored.

May be going hyper manic.

Hypomanic*

Up.

Not down. Up! Up! Up!

Bored.

What even is homecoming? Like in the UK we get all this American stuff and we’re just like, “What are the Americans on about?” “Dunno. They’re Americans, aren’t they?” “Tea?” “Yeah”. Literally.  Watching this. Ask ye not. Funny! When I was a teenager it was mainly all about the air cadets, shooting, flying, fieldcraft….principles of flight, air nav, meteorology, airmanship, chemical warfare training and what to do in the event of WW3, how to take a shit in the woods.

This has memories. We got dragged off to the local uni for a lecture on Physics, I suspect this was to sell us the idea of doing physics at uni. No idea. Anywho. We went for lunch and S and I and about half of us ended up in the student union drinking. We might have been underage. Anywho so we end up in this shop and Teenage dirtbag is playing and here’s S and I with this whole dance routine bopping away in a world of our own.

I miss S dearly. I don’t miss those days per se. Mostly they were about being bullied and although I remember them now through rose tinted glasses now I end up reminding myself that I was depressed nearly all the time and always being picked on. Columbine was the best thing that ever happened to me. Lots of people at school realised that maybe picking on the kid who knew his way around an SA80 and various pistols might not end well for them. I got left alone after that for the most part. My deep appreciation to American lunatics shooting up schools. *thumbs up*

I think S is coming over soon actually. Getting hold of her isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Then it’s all, “Hi! Yeah, my flight gets in at 8am tomorrow, I’ll see you at 9!”. We were a pair of fuck ups clinging to each other for dear life, almost literally. Probably still are in way.  She had such wild wild mania. Then they’d med her up to the eyeballs and she’d be a zombie and then she’d stop taking the meds and she’d be off manic as fuck again. No inhibitions, no control, no filter, no “Should I say this?” just “You’re a twat” or she’d just punch you. Loved her for it. There’s a freedom to not caring about yourself, you can do anything, because consequences don’t matter to you when you don’t matter to you. Don’t let anyone tell you that self-destruction can’t be fun, just remember that the fun is there to take the pain away.

Mixed episode……..

I can feel everything around me. I’m keyed to fuck.

Sometimes I just write for the sake of it. There is no meaning. Nihilism. I’m so bored. I need to sleep really but I’m so keyed up. Mind. Is. Racing.

Fishy!

Mental note: When depression kicks in eat oily fish. I always forget to do this and then when I remember BANG! Depression lifts. So we’re back up and running and from now on I’ll be eating oily fish/taking fish oil supplements until at least spring. I used to do this but one day I ran out and there were no major issues so I just didn’t buy more. Idiot me.

In other news I’m punchy. I think it’s because there’s a big Aikido course on at the end of the month during which R will take his black belt grading so I’m psychologically getting geared up for that. I’ll be up taking ukemi for him and it’s the first really big course I’ve been on since my own black belt grading so it feels like a big event to me.

Also I have this awareness of how much of this year’s success is down to having a mentality that is the product of fifteen years of Aikido training and so I find myself returning to it and deepening my practice.

Swimming

Here’s where I am at the moment: Yesterday I went into town to get some food and a coffee. Invariably I phone C so I have my phone in one hand, a burger in the other and I’m pinning my coffee between my chest and my arm. I go to a wall, I put my phone down, pick my coffee back up and I wander off leaving my phone on the wall. Fortunately it was still there about ten minutes later when I remembered that I’d left it there. My memory just does not work. I put things down and I forget about them, I get up to talk to someone and by the time I find them I can’t remember what I want to talk to them about.

I feel like I’m struggling to keep on the surface. Every day I feel a little bit more down, a little less positive. Then something good happens and I perk up and things are okay for a bit and then I feel myself sliding under again. I feel like I’m going nowhere, which isn’t strictly true, I’m just not getting where I want to be as fast as I would like. Laugh if you like but I’ve been consulting the I Ching again and it’s very positive about my future, and right now I need that. Fortunately I know that this is seasonal and will ease up soon but I’m not having fun.

I sort of feel that I kind of have to carry myself and by that I mean that I don’t often feel that I get that much support, I find that I have to dig deep a lot when things don’t turn out right and consciously turn my psychology around, which is fine. I’m not owed anything. This is really mentally exhausting though and there are times when I just don’t believe myself.

In other news I’ve suddenly become possessed of the desire to take up Kendo. I feel that my Aikido practice needs supplementing and Kendo is quite good for cardio and of course more aggressive.

 

Pensive.

Something’s bugging me and I can’t quite verbalise it or fully conceptualise it. On one hand everything is going stupidly well and…………..and………………materially I’m going to be better off than ever and on path to material prosperity and social status ra ra ra. But.

But there’s this part of me that’s like, “This really isn’t you” and I keep interrogating this little voice and I feel like it’s not giving me any answers but somehow it feels right.  I keep thinking about S. It’s been months since I’ve seen her and I don’t know. I don’t know. I think maybe it’s the feeling of giving up freedom, trading it for the 9-5, the normal, the material prosperity and none of it being worth the freedom but I just don’t know what the alternative is. I just can’t shake this feeling of it being wrong. I’m so confused. I feel lost.

So much of me is so optimistic for the future, so proud of myself, so impatient to get on with it all and yet there’s this part which feels like I’m making a kind of Faustian pact for things that I don’t really want.

I keep thinking of S and her gothiness. That feeling of how things used to be when she was here in the UK and we spent so much time together. That feeling. I can’t describe it, cyberpunk, goth, freedom, hope, optimism, a lack of worry. I don’t worry now but I feel like maybe I’m not as unconstrained as I was.

Maybe I need to actually think about what I’m doing and why. Why am I doing it? Okay, more money, but why? I’d like to be more independent, which I suppose is more free but I sort of wonder. Like where am I going to be in a year?

I think that maybe I have a touch of depression coming on. I’m so pensive. I’m having an actual existential crisis.

Seriously though, where am I going to be in a year, tons of money in the bank? Yeah, good chance of that. Am I going to have a girlfriend? Maybe. A car? Possibly. The house I’m not worrying about at the minute and I suppose I’m thinking, “What’s it all for?” am I going to be happier? I don’t know.

On the flip side. what am I giving up? Not much at this stage.

I’m going to have a whisky and watch Blade Runner.

Sex and Bipolar

So I came across this. I suppose that in a way I was looking for it seeing as hypomania has most definitely kicked in which for me means hypersexuality, which means deep sexual frustration and suffering.  Literally I could fuck all day and still be horny and it’s the absolute worst feeling in the world, especially when I can’t fuck all day.

It’s been so bad at times that I actually started looking into chemical castration because it’s a kind of hell that I wouldn’t inflict on my worst enemy.

 

Stuff.

The other thing that’s on my mind is this kind of loneliness. To say that I’ve been missing and pining for Dakota would be an understatement. I’m missing S too. I’ve managed not to do anything stupid while looking for sex, which is a huge achievement, but that leaves me quite conscious that I’m not having sex and I’m quite alone. I’m a human being: I need physical affection and encouragement and someone to listen to my problems and at the moment I basically don’t have much of that.

There are only a few people I can talk to the Dakota situation about, I can’t talk to C about it otherwise she’ll ignore me for months again, I can’t talk to Jboy about it on the basis that  judging by Dakota’s behavior he’s not supposed to know about the Paris thing; S is as noncommunicative as Dakota at the moment.

It’s even got to the point where I struggle to watch porn: it feels like the universe laughing in my face. Here’s me wanting something that I apparently can’t have and watching other people having it just makes me miserable. I’m fed up of preparing for some future that never becomes present. The working for things never seems to result in getting those things.

I’m slightly narked because C is doing this whole, “Come away with me and I’ll give you a bj” thing and I think that we both know that this isn’t going to happen so it just feels like teasing. Like, give or don’t give don’t make promises. I’m not even sure that I want it anymore. I feel like I’m in a transitional state where I’m actually learning to control myself and only go for things that I want.

Like with W, I could go to hers and have sex with her. I could do this, and not so long ago I would have done, but if the truth be told I’m not actually attracted to her and I don’t think that it would end well if I actually had sex with her, so I’m avoiding that.  This is amazingly mature for me. Kinda. I’m not sure if the calculation that it will be yet more sex that I don’t enjoy with someone I’m not actually into is maturity. I don’t want to be in a relationship with C and I don’t want to go down that kind of a path with her, even if I do have trouble keeping my hands to myself when she’s in my room. That is a definite lack of maturity and something that I need to work on.

So anyway I have this horrible feeling that I’m deeply unattractive and could be alone forever.

I need to get back into training. I need to find that thing which shuts down self-doubt and allows me to charge in against guys twice my size.

On my shodan grading there was a moment where I was doing three man attack and I threw one guy and I turned to face the other two and time almost stopped. I can see them moving in and I know that I’m going to step to the right of the right hand guy so that he blocks the third guy but I have to move at the right moment. I remember being totally calm, totally centred, totally aware of everything around me and just waiting and waiting and waiting for what felt like minutes and then I just stepped.

I need that back. I find it now and then during the day, like a flickering light bulb in the dark. It feels amazing. I swear on my shodan when R was taking ukemi for me I was totally committed, I wasn’t holding anything back, it was 99.9% a real fight. I was there making kiai and it wasn’t anything affected it was just pouring out of me. I want that again.

Soon.