It’s still weird knowing what I’m doing in life. I’ve not really sat down and thought about things recently and it feels like Christmas was about three months ago. I suspect that’s because of the learning curve at work.
The other day I was in the shower just enjoying the hot water and mulling things over and needling myself over not having sorted out driving lessons yet. Then it occurred to me that I only decided to have them about a month ago and that the plan was, and is, to take a week off and do the whole driving course in that week once things have settled down. So in a month or two I’ll be in a place to actually take that week off and do the course.
Then the other thing that’s playing on my mind is something that I think is an inherent part of my nature that I’ve obviously been suppressing for however long. Jordan Peterson talks about when you’re at the bottom of the social hierarchy and just clinging on you make yourself innocuous and harmless so that other people leave you alone and you become too agreeable.
I’m in this weird place where I can’t quite communicate what’s going on with the precision and clarity that I would like. The sort of quick and dirty version is that there’s something up with my sexuality. I’m getting more and more dominant and I think that’s because I’m getting more and more confident in life generally and a whole load of stuff which I suppressed when I was just hanging on at that stage of my life dominated by depression and self-loathing.
Now, in fairness, there’s always been something. S and I can have some pretty rough sex but I feel like over the past three years this dominance is really accelerating. This all started with India’s second boxing match. We were out in the crowd before her fight, the room was hot and the air was sweat laden. She’s maybe 5’1, 5’2 at most, she’s tiny and athletically built, she’s much, much smaller than me. We were watching her friend’s fight and India was getting worked up, she was yelling and shouting, the aggression was obviously flowing in her.
I found myself standing behind her looking over her body, noting how the light sheen of sweat made it glisten, taking in her passionate mood, and I could feel myself starting to pant. There was this enormous feeling of power and strength, an edge of aggression as I’m now fully checking out her body and she’s only wearing a pair of shorts and a sleeveless top. I could smell her scent, feel her body heat and all I could think about was ripping her clothes off, holding her down and fucking her. Not in an angry, hurtful way, but definitely in a way which showed her who’s boss. I didn’t want her to be afraid, I didn’t want to hurt her, in fact there was a powerfully protective if possessive element to it, but I wanted her to feel dominated. I’m quite metacognitive, I’m used to watching my thoughts as if I’m a distant observer, I was aware that I’m hard, I’m panting, I’m keyed up, that all I’m thinking about is the physical feeling of thrusting inside her and it was……I won’t say that the feeling was overwhelming because I didn’t actually rip her clothes off, hold her down and fuck her, but it was one of the most intense feelings of my life. I don’t think that I’ve even felt that way about Dakota, more of which later.
So, fast forward eighteen-months-ish, and admittedly I’d been doing the no fap thing for about a month, but I’m in the coffee shop flirting with, I think I called her EY. We’d been flirting for months, she used to hang out in the same pub as me so we’d seen each other a little outside of work hours and it was getting to the point where it seemed that the natural thing to do was to ask her out for a drink. There I am waiting for my cappuccino and I’m watching her make it and again one’s metacognition came into play and, this in my blog somewhere, but this imperious, confident, voice popped in my head and said something like, “She’s just a piece of meat to fuck your cum into”.
Now, the curious thing about this is that I was aware that there was, like, three layers of cognition going on at the same time. There’s the layer that likes EY as a person and realises all her good qualities and is busily not regarding her a sex object, engaging her in conversation and waiting for my coffee like a normal human being, there’s the metacognitive me and there’s this voice. I mean, it’s my voice, it’s the voice…..
Ah, epiphany; it’s the same voice that tells me that I’m shit and useless when I’m depressed. That’s……..wow, which is pretty much the reaction that the metacognitive layer and the me (?) layer had. It was a real moment of “Where did that come from?” because it was new and it had never happened before and it was so direct and confident.
Skip a few months down the line and I’m laying in bed thinking about BM and I started fantasising about her and what came out also got recorded in this blog and it was basically a fantasy of her telling me to fuck her while fighting me off every time I tried to do so resulting in me slapping her, pinning her and fucking her.
I can’t say that any of this makes me all that comfortable. Partly it’s wondering where the hell its come from and why all of a sudden it’s manifesting itself now and partly that it’s not something that I would necessarily choose to have as part of myself; it feels dangerous, it’s like waking up and finding yourself sitting on top of a mustang. Often as a man you come across men who flat out perve on women; a woman walks past and they have no compunction about making some absolutely objectifying remark, “I bet she loves it up the arse” “I’d give that one” which normally I find repugnant, so for my brain to suddenly come out with, “She’s just a piece of meat to fuck your cum into” is disconcerting to say the least.
The only comfort I get in this is the fact that so many women I’ve talked to want men that want to dominate them and that this new dominant streak seems to apply only to women I actually know; I’m not looking at random women in the street this way. Except Dakota, although, thinking about it, I think that last time I saw her I was having some pretty dominant thoughts, so, maybe even including her.
So much for my inability to find my Jungian shadow…….. I pretty much plan to explore it and see if I can’t usefully integrate it into myself.