I’m glad that I keep this blog; it’s useful for reading over past events and keeping a rough timeline and sense of what’s gone on in my life.
As it gets towards Christmas I’m conscious that Dakota will be back soon and she preoccupies my thoughts more than usual, especially with the possibility of a new job soon which will finally provide funds for travel and other exciting things. Finally I might be able to seriously plan to take her away somewhere in concrete terms.
Speaking of Christmas, I find myself oddly at peace with Christmas this year; normally it’s something that I loathe intently. For me Christmas started this year when I was chatting with BM and she said that she had to come into work on a Sunday to put up the decorations. We exchanged mutual groans and eye rolling but actually I rather like the pub with Christmas trees and decorations: it adds a certain cosiness to the place.
Maybe it’s that this is the first Christmas in ages where I’ve felt this positive, albeit cautiously so, about the future?
So I have an interview in a couple of hours and I’m absolutely calm about it because a) I don’t really expect to get the job b) I just want to sleep. This is why I resist medication: my main symptom is drowsiness and the side effects of the medication are, yep, drowsiness. Also there’s this continual desire to find somewhere comfy to snuggle up and sleep. I genuinely think that my body is trying to get me to hibernate.
So at this point I just want to go, get it over with, and get back to bed.
I find it really annoying when people feel the need to dick around with things. For instance: I put the washing machine on the timer to start at 6am. Mum switches it off. I’m actually a bit dubious about her thinking that it had finished because usually she unloads it but whatever. So it’ll be dark soon, I’m three hours behind where I thought I would be and I still have another load of washing to get done and dried and the drier is in the garage which has no light.
I find that mum is endlessly doing these kind of small, niggling, no one incident that really merits complaining about type things and that cumulative mass of things is really grating on me. She’s not someone that ever really considers the impact of what she does on people or really thinks things through so she ends up doing weird things for no real reason. I find that two or three times a week I end up saying to her, “Why are you always trying to do things in the hardest possible way?”. Why are you hanging washing out on damp days when it’s 5C, the lawn is soaking, water clearly isn’t evaporating, only to then, when it gets dark, fumble around in the dark garage with the tumble drier? Why not just put it straight in the drier?
Why are you washing things and then putting them in the dishwasher? Why did you coil up the extension cable causing it to get tangled rather than used winding it up? Why do you do the same with the hoover?
I find it grinding.
Cannot be bothered.
Literally at the moment I don’t really want to do anything. I have a subscription to The Economist, I finally decided to take the plunge and get a subscription rather than picking it up now and again when I remember. Literally all I’ve done today is sit and read this week’s issue and try and find some peace and quiet.
Reminds me of this time when I was with Dakota and I started a sentence with, “There was a good article in The Economist about that” and there was this look of surprise and she’s like, “You. Read. The. Econ-o-mist. Question mark” as if this was deeply impressive and I’m like, “Yes, I read The Economist” in that “Of course I do” tone of voice. I suspect that this kind of thing kind of impresses her and I’d be lying if I said that there isn’t a tiny part of me that wants to read it because she likes it.
The publication has described itself as “…a product of the Caledonian liberalism of Adam Smith and David Hume”. It targets highly educated, cultured readers and claims an audience containing many influential executives and policy-makers.
That’s another part of why I read it: One is part Caledonian, you know. Also if you’re going to read the news why would you read shit? I don’t understand people who read tabloids like the Daily Mail or crap like The Guardian. I want to read high quality news that allows me to look in the mirror and say, “I’m getting my news from the same place industry and world leaders get their news”. So I read The Times and The Economist.
Also it’s quite funny: For those who don’t know if you accuse someone of being a Daily Mail reader it’s casting serious doubts on their intelligence and it’s really funny how when I find myself arguing with lefties and they’re like, “Where did you get that? The Daily Mail” and I can say, “No, actually I got it from The Economist” because it shuts them up immediately. It’s like: Yes retarded lefty! I read more high brow news than you do! Look upon me and despair! Most lefties are middling IQ numpties.
Other than that R is coming up tomorrow and wants to go drinking. I find myself ambivalent about this. I’m not in the mood for going into town. I’m not sure that I’m in the mood for all day drinking either. It’s that time of year where I seek solitude and quiet, comfy, familiar, surroundings and women with big breasts that I can fall asleep on.
So we’ll see how that goes. In other news I had an ECG on Thursday, just a routine thing they do to check I don’t have heart problems that could be aggravated by medication for being a nutter. That looks normal, which is obviously good news.
Well that was interesting. BM and I have this thing: I try and make eye contact with her and she ignores me. She ignores me all the time until…. J-boy goes to the bar and he’s having a vodka and lemonade, I’m having a Guinness and the barrel needs changing. I look up as J-boy comes back to the table, he as one drink, “It’s coming over in a minute”. “Wait, BM isn’t bringing it, is she? I’ll never get it!” Everytime we use the app BM just leaves our drinks on the bar.
So the barman brings my guinness and as he does so suddenly BM’s head pops around the corner, “DID YOU USE THE APP?” Naturally, I’m like “The fuck? No! Even when I don’t use the app I get in trouble for using the app”. Her eyes narrow and she looks at me with that, “Hmm, I’ll let you off. This time”.
Now I’m riled. So I try to use the app to order a double Talisker and a mineral water only Talisker isn’t on the app. I go to the bar and she’s cleaning this table, “I was going to use the app” “You better not!” “Well what I wanted isn’t on it, so……” “What did you want?” “Talisker” “Ha. Haha. Hahahaha” “Yeah, go on, laugh”. I get my drink.
So I’m sitting there, drinking my Talisker, and I see BM coming over. No biggie, she’s obviously coming to clean tables or something, this happens. Instead she pulls out a chair, sits down and we have this really long chat. Last orders is called. She goes to do some stuff, I go to the bar to get my last order, I sit down. She comes back, we have another really long chat.
That’s never happened before. Her boyfriend wasn’t working tonight, maybe that has something to do with it?
Well, things be looking up. One has an interview. In less good news, one has a chest infection albeit mild. The main problem with it is that around 3am I start coughing and I don’t stop. I suspect that this is something to do with the air being too dry because if I open my window the cough vanishes. The thing about that is that it’s usually around 0C outside at night.
In other news, I’ve ordered some jeans. I have a thing about jeans in that everyone wears jeans and I have a natural inclination to avoid herd behavior. I actually find it irritating to look around a place and see a sea of guys in blue jeans. A friend has been nagging me to get jeans for ages and I’ve always said that I don’t want to blend into that herd but I figure that I can be a bit different than 90% of guys in that I’m never going to be doing the jeans and t-shirt thing.
I’ve got myself a new white oxford shirt. Regular readers will know of my love for oxford shirts, especially sky blue oxfords. I’m also planning on finally getting a navy blue blazer. I’m actually planning on asking dad to get it, because reasons. I know. I’m spoiled.
Anywho I think the whole ensemble will look pretty good. I’m even toying with the idea of wearing the blazer to the interview rather than going in a suit but then I look awesome in a suit.
So I had my assessment on Monday. Guess what? I have rapid cycling bipolar disorder! Yeah, already knew that. They want me to think about medication specifically Valproate and Lithium. To be honest, I don’t think that I’m in a serious enough condition to need meds. Plus the “You’ll need regular blood tests to make sure that we’re not poisoning you” thing. I have to go back at some point for a full medical including bloods. Great. How about we not pump my body with toxic metals? How about we decide that this is not a good thing.
I think that at the moment if I’m down it’s because I’m facing real problems and my efforts to build for the future feel like they’re stuck in the mud, none of which the NHS really helps with. I feel very much on my own with that. Very much bored of that.