So on monday I called up the surgery, my usual GP wasn’t in so I decided that I’d just go and see any doctor. During the consultation it was established that I have the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder; a shocking revelation for someone with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

I wanted medication, specifically I wanted ritalin because there is literature to support its use with bipolar disorder and it’ll help me concentrate and focus. Instead what happened is I got referred to my community mental health team. Personally I think that this is a bit OTT, but whatever. They called on Tuesday and basically gave me the choice of a talking therapy or an assessment with a psychiatrist, which could lead to a talking therapy. On advice I chose to go for the assessment. I have no idea when this will be. I think maybe that because it’s been so long since I was under medical supervision that they want to drag me in and see where I am. Where I am, all in all, is a pretty good place.

At the moment my only real symptoms are that I’m exhausted all the time, I’m a bit subdued and I don’t enjoy anything or am able to motivate myself to do anything. That said, I did have a real moment at work today where I almost broke down. I sat there with my head in my hands and just stared out of the window for a good ten minutes crushed by what I can only describe as a wave of hopelessness. I nearly cried. Then it passed and I cracked on.

Oh and at lunch today I decided to actually just sit in Starbucks and read. Usually I grab a sandwich and a coffee and head back to the office, but I felt the need to be out. I’m reading The Fall by Camus. Reading Camus is very much a depression thing I think. Reading serious fiction, as opposed to sci-fi is a depression thing actually: I think something about being depressed and introspective makes me want to read fiction as a way of exploring alternative perspectives on life. Or something.



You know what I find with mental health issues? The mental health issues themselves are the least of the problem: you have your depression then you recover, you have your mania….and then you recover. The issues are that our society literally blocks you at every turn as you try to get back on track and the irony of it all is often that it’s so busy doing unproductive stuff in an attempt to help you that it doesn’t bother listening to you when you say, “I don’t need your help, I just need you to get out of my way. Stop fussing over me, you’re making things worse.”

Lunacy update.

I hate OK buttons “Device will actually do what you want it to do, okay?” “Yes, fucking get on with it, why are you asking approval for something I just told you to do?”

I feel like shit today. It’s cold, grey, I feel so tired and anxious. I’m probably going to endure some wailing in a minute. Earlier I just wrapped myself in essentially three duvets, kept my curtains closed, and basically hibernated. This is fairly normal behavior for me in the winter but in august it’s ridiculous. I was just laying there because I didn’t want to face the world, I still don’t. I’m supposed to be going to a friends birthday thing on Saturday and right now the very idea of it just fills me with dread. I’m kinda resisting the urge to go back to bed. I find that I really want to be on my own and left alone. 

On the upside I haven’t got that little voice telling me that I’ll be happy when I’m dead or that I’d be better off dead or that things will be fine soon…….because I’ll be dead. I swear if it were possible to take this little voice out of my head and make it a person I would torture that person to death. 

I could murder a can of rockstar. M-U-R-D-E-R. I have a bottle of coke for dealing with panic attacks, I wonder if my body will make do with that or if I’m going on mission to get rockstar? 

The other thing is that I’m incredibly irritable, noise especially irritates me.  


I think I’m slipping into depression. I don’t sleep all that well, I’m tired, I can’t really concentrate. I always feel like avoiding going out and instead just want to stay in. I can feel my confidence slipping away too and anxiety slipping in. I’m going to bed now. I’ll read for an hour so that I get the whole “You need to be away from computer screens and other sources of blue light for an hour” thing. 

Hopefully this all passes very quickly. Anyway, in the words of Samuel Pepys, And so to bed. I’m working my way, astonishingly rapidly, through Xenophon’s Anabasis. It’s the one bright spot; while I struggle with everything else I find that in the quiet of the night I can read though Anabasis quite easily.


The thing that strikes me about mental health care in the UK is that the NHS isn’t needed, for the simple reason that the bulk of mental health care is actually done by charities rather than the NHS, which only really concerns itself with emergency care and dishing out meds. If you go to your GP or consultant here they give you this booklet; if you hold this booklet by the first page at arms length you find it opens up to a list of numbers and charities so long that it literally reaches the floor. This leaves me wondering if really the NHS could step back from even that with any real loss of service. In fact working in a market system with real prices and limited funds I reckon that charities are probably vastly more efficient than the NHS. 


The racism of anti-racism.

It’s stuff like this that worries me. Fortunately there’s four thousand miles of water between us and most of this nonsense. The reason it worries me is basically down in the comments section; that’s what I think of as fertile soil for genocide. 


“I have to everyday wake up and acknowledge that I am so deeply imbedded with racist thoughts and notions and actions in my body that I have to choose everyday to do anti-racist work and think in an anti-racist way.”


“I came to higher ed to study. What is this problem that I’m scared of? I don’t know what to do. My principal is scared of this. Where do I point? Who’s at fault? My white body is at fault,” she said. “My racial identity, as a white person who believes that I am somehow better or more deserving, is the problem. The white supremacy, the structure is the problem.” 


Radersma is a racist, and she thinks that she is a racist because something about the pigmentation of her skin makes her a racist. She is, in her opinion, physically, biologically, racially, a racist. I’m sure there must be something in DSM-V which covers this kind of thing.I’m pretty sure that if I went to my next consultation and stated that I had an obsession like that which forced me to constantly monitor and hate myself that there would be serious discussions about medication.

I think she really is really racist and I think that she is really racist because she spends so much time and effort on not being racist. Consider a thought experiment: What would happen if you spent all day thinking about not eating. Imagine you sat there thinking “I must not eat cake” “I must not eat chips” “I must not eat crisps” you basically spent all day thinking about food. How mad would you drive yourself, how much would you start to crave the food and long to rebel against yourself and stuff you face until you died of cake poisoning? Right. It’s an old story, isn’t it? The person who sets out to rid the world of something ends up becoming the thing that they hate.The antiracists have fought so hard against racism that they are now the most racist people in society.

If we all spent all our time beating ourselves up, destroying our self-esteem and celebrating self hatred there would come a day where we would snap and it would feel so good doing all the things we denied ourselves, our self-esteem would rocket we and we would feel god-like and liberated.


“My partner, who is a man, can’t tell you about feminism. He knows a lot about it. He considers himself a feminist, but you want to learn feminism from him? No,” she commented during the session. “You need to learn feminism from a woman. You need to learn what it is like to be a woman from a woman. He can’t teach that. I can’t teach students of color nearly as well as a person of color [sic] can.”


If that’s not a direct statement that students of colour need to be segregated I don’t know what is. Of course, it must also be true that white students must need exclusively white teachers if they’re to get the most out of the education system. So already this anti-racist is tacitly espousing racial segregation. Presumably this is because white students are biologically different from black students just as she is, by her own admission, biologically different from black people because of her racist white body. The only concept we’re lacking here to make this full blown white supremacy is a sense of superiority, but if we follow her logic and separate people how long with a sense of superiority take to creep in? Incidentally I doubt that I, as a man, could learn from a woman; there’s no way a woman could teach me as well as a man could.


“It’s that savior mentality, like ‘save them, because they are not like us,’ and that normalization of whiteness.” 



“That experience, and the fact that her boss did not know how to tackle the problem, led her to leave the classroom and work toward her Ph. D. Radersma told the group she realized the problem was the institutionalized racist structure of education and her white privilege was causing the racial achievement gap.”



Isn’t it a good job that black students have Radersma and teachers like her to save them from oppression? People who will scourge and flagellate themselves, mortify their evil white flesh and take on the sins of white people in order to save the oppressed. Maybe it’s me but, Jesus Christ, everything she says screams of this savior mentality she supposedly looks down on, and this kind of need for redemption to me. She realises that she is the problem and she goes off to learn how to be the solution. You could call it a personal crusade. 


“Radersma agreed and said the family that was helped likely felt discriminated against.” 

Thank the Lord we have Radersma to pontificate and pronounce on how an Indian family felt, right after making it quite clear that she as a white person would have no clue on the lived experiences of people of other races. It’s not like, you know, asking a selection of Indian families might give you an idea of how they felt, no you need to be studying for a Ph.D in critical whiteness studies to know that an Indian family would feel discriminated against by someone helping them.  Not to mention the obvious that feelings are not reality. 

The flipside of this is the people who refuse to engage in self flagellation and the other mortifications of the psyche in the holy cause. If you want to reinforce someone’s identity, attack them. We know that wars have a profound tendency to create nations because when you put a group of people under attack they will find things in common, and if they can’t find things in common they will invent things to have in common, and these commonalities will last far longer than the war will. How do you create a management team that is more cohesive, you send them off to do something unpleasant for a weekend as a “team building” exercise, if you want to create unit cohesion in the army you take a bunch of recruits and put them through hell. We’ve seen that strategic bombing never breaks the morale of the people being bombed, instead it increases it because everyone in the bombed populace pulls together, individual needs are put aside to fight the common threat. 

The upshot of this is that if you want to create a white identity then hammer away at white people, because people who are hammered will become more entrenched in their identity, and while they’re sitting there in that trench they’ll be growing closer and closer and a mythology and ideology of why they’re in that trench getting attacked will form. Now, true, some of these people will put up their hands and surrender, but most of them will be fixing bayonets and getting ready to come storming out of their now extremely secure ideological redoubt fully confident of their own superiority, and with an axe to grind. 

So what have we got here? We’ve got a confessed racist and borderline segregationist who is representative of an ideology which inadvertently is working to create and reinforce a distinct sense of a homogenous white identity and a reactionary group who are becoming conscious for the first time that they are now apparently part of this homogenous group called “white people” and that as a white person they can expect to be constantly demonised just because of their biology. 

Does anyone else think this is a rather volatile mixture?


You know, I’m really not sure this isn’t all a poe. You know satire so realistic that you think it is real. The social justice types are getting so ridiculous that it’s actually getting almost impossible to satirise them. 


Curious how I can concentrate after training, and about half a bottle of white wine. “Oh, but alcohol is a depressant”. Which is true, but it’s also true that in the right dosage (ooooh medical terminology) it actually makes you relaxed and happy and it slows your thoughts down to a semi reasonable rate. 


The things you do to feel normal…………..